Page 22 of Senseless
My ears were so fucked, I didn’t notice the arriving vehicles until I saw movement at the corner of my eye. Even then, I didn’t stop. My arms were numb, movements clumsy and inefficient, but I could not fucking stop.
People came into the corners of my vision, wearing camo uniforms with red crosses—the medics! They came in from the sides with shovels, tossing huge clods of dirt over their shoulders. Still, I didn’t stop.
Not until a small, gloved hand touched my arm, the other hand on my cheek to turn my face gently. My wife’s face filled my vision, so beautiful even with the dark circles under her eyes and her brows knitted together.
“We’re getting them out.” I could barely hear Mari’s voice, but watched her lips move slowly so I understood her. “Rest, my love. Let me help them, then I’ll check on you.”
I nodded, the fatigue settling deep into my joints with painful aches. Leaning away from the cave-in, I fell unceremoniously on my ass again and stayed there.
Cloudy sky filled my vision now, soft, gray, and endless. Before my exhausted eyelids closed, I saw Horus’s dark shape as he circled over us.
Seven
IVAN
“Keep your knees slightly bent. Elbows too.” I didn’t stand too close to Jen, but touched my fingers to her elbows as a small reminder. “Don’t hold your breath. You want to stand firm, but keep some flexibility. Try not to lock anything.”
Jen nodded tightly, her shoulders relaxing a few centimeters away from her ears as she remembered to take a breath. She was still tense, but wasn’t shaking anymore at least. Guns made her nervous. Almost as nervous as women used to make me.
Now she could hold one, and I could stand by and observe, teaching her a few things. Even touch her to help fix her stance, without worrying I was doing something wrong.
“Line up the sights like I showed you,” I said, taking a few steps away. “And squeeze when you’re ready.”
She took a few more breaths before pulling the trigger, her eyes squeezing shut and her whole body startling at the noise. But she shot again and again at the rusted metal target we set up in the junkyard, until her magazine clicked empty.
Jen laughed as she set the gun down and removed her ear and eye protection. “I totally suck.”
“You’re getting better. You just need practice,” I said, bringing over the case to put the gun away. “No one becomes a perfect shot overnight.”
“How long did it take you?” She watched me remove the mag and return it to the foam placeholder.
“Two nights.” She laughed and my chest relaxed, relieved that she understood I was joking. “I did take to weapons and bikes pretty quickly, to be honest. But I suck at plenty of other things.”
“Like what?” Jen tilted her head as she peered up at me, chewing at the metal jewelry through her lip.
“Like people.”
“I don’t think that’s true.” She placed a hand on my arm, the second time she did that within a week. “Everyone here likes you.”
“Because I keep to myself and don’t bother anyone.” I closed the case and slowly turned to move out of her reach. I liked Jen, but not to the point of touching each other regularly. Still, I didn’t want to be abrupt and hurt her feelings.
“Well yeah, but not in the way you think.” Her hand fell to her side. “All the girls are comfortable around you, and that’s saying a lot for most of them who’ve escaped abusive men.”
“I’m…glad for that. But it doesn’t mean I’m great at socializing.”
“Oh, stop being so hard on yourself.”
Jen reached out to touch me again, and I let her fingers rest on my forearm. Not because I was open to anything from her, but when she said that, it reminded me of someone else.
The one person Iwantedto touch me.
Jen stepped in closer to me, closer than we’d been even during tattoo sessions, and I followed my gut reaction to step away.
Shit,I thought at the flash of hurt crossing her face.
“Jen,” I started, eager to soften the blow. “You’ve been a good friend to me—“
“It’s alright, Ivan,” she laughed sheepishly. “I can take a hint. I’ll leave you be.”
