Page 24 of Senseless
“The cuts hurt,” I said. “They’re red and swollen. My whole body aches and I feel so tired.”
“So you’ve been cut recently?”
“Yes, I think yesterday. And she…” My throat closed up at the memory, teeth grinding down and tears springing up at the painful memory.
“Who, your mother?”
“Yes.”
“Can you tell me what she did?”
“She…” I lifted my hand to my face, feeling the puffy flesh, the tender soreness around my eye and cheekbone. “She started off being so nice. She said she wanted to give me a hug.”
“And what did she do?”
“She…hit me.” Doc didn’t respond, so I continued on. “She said if I was a girl, that she would love me and hug me. She would protect me and never hurt me. But I’m a boy who will turn into a man. If I was free, I would just hurt girls, so I don’t get hugs. That’s why I have to stay down here.”
“Ivan.” Doc’s voice sounded strained. “Have you ever been hugged by anyone?”
“No…Wait, yes.” Another memory came forward, one from a different, more recent time. I could feel the gentle pressure of a face resting on my chest, and small hands on my back.
“Do you remember how it felt?”
“Yes, it was…nice. It felt good.” It was better than good. It felt like the warmth of sunlight on my skin.
“Good. I’d like you to try to visualize this person who hugged you. Imagine they’re there with you, in your cage now.”
“No.” I shook my head. “She doesn’t belong here. She shouldn’t be in a cage with me. She’s too good.”
“It’s just an exercise I’d like you to try, Ivan.”
“No, I don’t want her to see me like this.”
“Ivan, take a deep breath. You’re okay. You’re safe.”
My breaths were heavy, panicked and ragged as they sawed in and out of my chest. But after several rounds, my racing heart began to slow down. The bite of the metal cuffs on my chair reminded me of where I was.
“Are you with me, son?” Doc’s voice pulled me further out of the panic, the fear, and the shame.
“Yes, I’m here.”
“Good. If it’s alright with you, I’d like to keep trying.”
“Okay.”
“You’re still in your cage, yes?”
“Uh-huh.” I could feel the swelling in my face now—my eye was swollen shut from the force of the blow. My face ached with every dull throb.
“Would you like a hug now? No tricks, no hitting. Just a bit of comfort from someone who showed you kindness.”
The thought of such a thing made a sob rattle though my child-sized chest. It wasallI wanted, just for someone to show me they cared.
“Yes,” I choked out. “I wish I had that.”
“Picture it, Ivan. While you’re here, imagine that person wrapping around you. Soothing you. Telling you it’ll be okay. Start with one small detail you remember, and then add another.”
I thought of Mari, standing in front of me after I completed her back tattoo. She told me she was proud of me, then shyly asked if she could hug me. I said yes and she approached me, turning her head to place her cheek on my chest, and then her hands on my back.
