Page 25 of Senseless
I could feel it again—the light pressure of her body against me, her fingers moving over my back. It was easy to think of, I’d only thought of that moment hundreds of times.
“Is that helping you, Ivan?” Doc’s low voice floated in. “Do you feel a bit better? A bit safer?”
In my memory, now morphing into some kind of fantasy, Mari not only hugged me, but treated my wounds. She put ice on my face and cleaned my cuts. Her touch was warm and gentle, and she always asked permission before doing something. Her brows knitted with concern, eyes just as sharp and focused as when she always treated someone.
She healed me—the eight-year-old me, alone, scared, and confused—just as she healed me as a man, with patience, warmth, and kindness. For the first time since beginning these sessions with Doc, I didn’t want to leave.
“Ivan, are you still with me?”
“Yes,” I answered. “She’s making me feel better. So much better.”
“Good. How are you feeling now?”
“I feel…safe. Cared for. I…” My breath hitched, like hitting a roadblock in my chest.
“What is it, son? Go ahead.”
“I…miss her.” Everything started fading away. Mari, the cage, my pain, all of it. And fuck me, I didn’t want it to. “I miss hersomuch.”
“Okay, Ivan? You’re coming out of it on your own. Take it easy, slow. Remember your breaths.”
My leg kicked out, a reflex that jolted me out of my hypnosis with a start. Doc, the room, my chair, everything came sharply back into focus. And my sweet fantasy was already fading, like a dream I’d just woken up from and started to forget.
Doc knelt in front of me, unshackling the chair restraints as he peered up at me. “You alright?”
My skin had broken out in a cold sweat and my heart pounded furiously in my chest like I’d just ran for miles. I was back and had mixed feelings about it.
“Yeah, I think so.” I stretched out my leg once he released it. “What was that?”
“Just a little visualization practice.” Doc stood from the floor with a groan and went to unbind my arms. “If you like that technique, we can try it again next time.”
“I…didn’t want to leave,” I admitted, rubbing my forearm once freed. “I’d never felt anything like that before, at that age, and it was all I really wanted.”
“That’s the power of your mind, son.” Doc leaned back with a small smile. “We absorb things that other people tell us, then we tell ourselves those things, not realizing that not everything we think is true. By replacing the internalized message with something else, we can unlearn what we thought we knew.”
I blinked at him, sort of following, but not really. “What was I unlearning just then?”
Doc’s face softened even more. “That you were at fault for the abuse you received. You internalized that belief at a young age, Ivan. But have you ever stopped to think it wasn’t true?” The older man gave my shoulder a soft pat. “You were just a kid who needed a childhood, needed hugs. And visualizations like this can help shift your thoughts into something less destructive.”
I nodded slowly. His words weren’t fully sinking in but they made logical sense. Mostly, I was just trying to recapture the feeling of Mari’s embrace, grasping for it as it slipped further out of my reach.
“Would you like to try it again next time?” Doc asked.
“Maybe, but…”
“Yes?”
“What if…the person I thought of, visualized…” The words felt stuck in my throat, but I forced them out. “What if thinking about her is also painful? The memory of her hug was comforting to me, but…”
“Has she also harmed you in some way?”
“No, but…” I sucked in a breath. Doc knew about my violent sleepwalking episodes, but not the extent to which I injured Mari. It felt wrong somehow, to use her in my therapy, even if it was our good memories from before I hurt her. I felt like I was taking more from her, keeping her shackled to me when I should have been setting her free.
“She is someone I…had feelings for,” I finally said, watching Doc’s slow nod. “It’s my fault that it didn’t work out, but I want the best for her and I’m…trying to move on. I just worry that thinking of her like this isn’t actually good for me. Or her.”
“Well, thankfully, no one can police your thoughts,” Doc said with a warm smile. “You can rely on another visualization if you think it would be better. The power is really in your hands here.” He stroked his goatee. “As for moving on from that relationship, I don’t believe a positive memory will hinder your progress in that regard.” Doc gave me a curious look. “Time and distance seem to do the job best.”
I lowered my gaze. The weeks spent away from Mari only seemed to deepen the ache of losing her. Every passing day that she didn’t greet me with a ‘good morning’ felt emptier than the last. My spontaneous tattoo of her certainly didn’t help.
