Page 32 of Senseless
Iknew it would be hard to pull away from Jandro’s warm body, his embrace loving even while in sleep. I just didn’t think it would bethishard. But I had to. Horus said it was time.
Slowly, painstakingly, I peeled away from my lover in the dead of night and dressed silently in the dark. I had already written the note I would leave, carefully pulling it from my jeans pocket and leaving the folded piece of paper on the pillow next to him. It was short and to the point.I’ve gone to find him. Don’t worry, Horus is my guide. We’ll all come home together. I love you. —M.
I could only say so much to convince him that Ihadto do this, and do so alone. He’d never let me leave if I said anything first, and no one else seemed to get the message from Horus that it was time. This mission was only meant for me.
I had to dig deep to find the old Mari, the woman who’d never met the Steel Demons before and traveled on her own for three years. I had to introduce her to the woman I was now, who knew how to ride and could protect herself with a gun and a dagger. I needed to draw strength from both sides, to combine what I learned to scrape by with what taught me to thrive.
My weapons had come from the remnants of the Steel Demons armory we carried with us. They were the same weapons Gunner had me practice with multiple times, so I’d be better at handling them than anything else. The knife slid easily into my boot while the small .40 caliber handgun fit in a holster under my jacket.
I packed enough food, water, and fuel to last me around three days, plus enough pills to earn my keep somewhere for a month if I had to. It would have felt nostalgic if I didn’t keep looking back at Jandro’s bedroom door as I packed. How many times had I left one service center with these same items—minus the weapons—without any idea how far away my next stop would be?
Even after everything that happened between Shadow, Reaper, and me, I wouldn’t have gone back to my old life for a second. The Steel Demons were my home and my heart. I just had to draw on that old resilience, the tenacity to keep moving, in order to bring our family back together.
Assuming Shadow still wanted to come back.
Horus wouldn’t lead me on a wild falcon chase if Shadow didn’t want to come home, right?
Who was I kidding? Nothing about this was certain at all. My gut still screamed at me to not be foolish, to tear off all my clothes and weapons and dive back in bed with Jandro. But I couldn’t keep living like the past few weeks either. Something had to change, and it would begin by finding Shadow.
Dawn was just starting to lighten up the sky as I walked my dirt bike out of the garage, closing the door by hand as silently as I could. I walked down to the end of our long driveway before throwing my leg over the bike and starting up the engine. The high-pitched growling cut through the early morning silence as I kicked my heels up and sped away, praying the noise hadn’t woken up my men and spurred them to come after me.
Because if they did, I might not have the courage to leave again.
By the second day,I realized what a cruel master Horus was.
He pushed mehardon the road. Unlike when I was traveling before, I didn’t go at my own pace, but at his. I had no compass or map, just the falcon flying ahead of me as my only guide. We were heading east-ish, as far as I could tell.
Every time I wanted to stop to pee or stretch my legs, he just kept flying. I’d hurry back to my bike in fear of losing sight of him and we’d carry on until dark.
At night was the only time I could rest and refuel. Conveniently, Horus always flew down near the end of the day when we were coming up on a service center or some other kind of lodging. To let me know it was time to stop, he’d swoop down at dusk to perch between my handlebars, making soft chirps rather than the loud screeches he threw at me if I got too far behind him.
It got tiring quickly, this journey was feeling aimless.
“Was this the same way and pace that Shadow took?” I wondered aloud early on the third morning, stifling a yawn as the falcon tore apart a squirrel for his breakfast.
He peered at me, beak smothered in blood and squirrel guts, but didn’t give me an answer.
We carried on for another grueling four days. The desert landscape turned into flat plains, the air cold and dry as the grasslands stretched on for endless miles. Gradually the plains gave way to humid marshlands full of greenery and thick, heavy air. The sky was covered by clouds and when rain started to fall, I was still warm enough to ride for a full day without my jacket on.
I thought I’d seen abject poverty in the Southwest, but all of the Texas and Arizona territories were lush with riches compared to this area. People lived in tents and broken down trailers next to the road, watching me ride through with empty stares. I saw children with distended bellies and living conditions that were hazardous at best. These people had no one to advocate for them now, which was the worst part of it. Not even a mayor or a congressman to fight on their behalf. These people were the real victims of the Collapse, the ones that everyone forgot about.
My heart squeezed in my chest, the instinct to stop and provide help riding me hard. But Horus was a dark speck in the sky and every rotation of my tires brought me closer to Shadow. I couldn’t save everyone, nor could I let myself get distracted. A spark of determination fired me up, making me bear down hard on the accelerator. The sooner I saw Shadow and convinced him to come home, the faster I could provide help for these people on the way back.
By the sixth day on the road, Horus veered north, the oppressive cold returning to settle deep in my bones. Looking to the east, warm, sandy beaches gave way to a rocky, jagged coastline. The road grew rockier too, and I started to fear all the weathering on my tires from this long journey.
The seventh day was by far the hardest. I was sore and stiff from riding all day for a full week. My bike started to make a grinding noise, the suspension rattling underneath me.
“Come on,” I patted the bike’s fuel tank as if trying to encourage a living thing. “We made it so far, don’t give up on me now.”
A few miles later was when my front tire decided to give out. I heard a loud pop, then smelled burning and saw sparks flying near my feet.
“Fuck!” My balance started to wobble, the tire shredding as the rim met the road with an awful grinding sound.
Fortunately I stayed upright long enough to slow down and pull over to a grassy field. I was nowhere near as knowledgeable as Jandro about bike maintenance, but even I could tell it wasn’t drivable in this state. I didn’t have a spare tire and the metal wheel was already scratched from running along the road at high speed.
The best part of this situation? Horus kept on flying like nothing had happened.
“What the fuck am I supposed to do now?” I called out to the sky, all my frustration and exhaustion leaving my throat in a strangled scream.
