Page 38 of Senseless
The hows and whys didn't matter—I had to make her leave.
Jen quickly made herself scarce, but we weren't the only ones in the dining area. I didn't want to embarrass Mari with what I had to tell her, so I grunted out a, "Yes," and made for the side door heading to the junkyard.
Mari's steps sounded odd, a bit of a shuffle, as she followed me, like her feet were hurting her.Fucking hell, Horus. Don't tell me you made her walk here all the way from Four Corners? It took all my resolve not to sweep her up and carry her to my room, a much better private place, where I could tell her in a hundred different ways how sorry I was. How much I missed her.
Instead I pushed open the door with a jerk of my shoulder, letting it swing wide so she could walk through. I walked until we would be out of earshot of anyone at the service center, then turned to face her with my arms crossed.
She pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders, the drape of the fabric reminding me of how my hoodie had engulfed her when she wore it.
I squeezed my fingers into my own biceps, fighting the overwhelming need to touch her.
"Why did you come here?"
"To bring you back." Mari never was one for beating around the bush, lifting her chin as she looked me squarely in the eye. "To bring you home, where you belong."
I shook my head, looking down at my boots. It was just as I had feared. "I don't belong in Four Corners. I'm not a Steel Demon anymore, Reaper made sure of that."
"Reaper was wrong to do what he did—"
"No, he wasn't." My gaze returned to her. "He was absolutely in the right. I deserved—" I swallowed. "I deserved much worse than this, actually."
My life at the service center wasn't happy by any means, but it was fine for living in exile. I was kept busy, fed, and sheltered. Plus I hadn't sleepwalked in over two weeks, which I most likely owed to Doc's therapy sessions.
"That's not true." Mari started to blink rapidly, her eyes filling with tears. "Shadow, I know it was an accident. I forgive you—"
"Stop." I held out a hand, dropping my gaze. Seeing the hurt on her face was too fucking much. "Don't say that, please."
"I do, Shadow." She started coming closer, my body was bristling both with panic and yearning. "I...miss you. So much."
"Did you get my letter?" I took a few steps backward to widen the distance between us.
Mari's feet stopped moving, her face crestfallen. "Yes, Jandro gave it to me. I've only read it hundreds of times. And you know what I've realized?" A tear spilled down her cheek. "I can't heal. Not until you're back with the club. With me." She quickly wiped her face. "That is, unless you've truly moved on, and you're happier here. I want you to be happy, to thrive. That's all I really want."
Lie to her. Tell her yes, I've never been happier than in these last six weeks. Let her go home with that peace of mind, so she can be free of you.
But I couldn't lie, not to her. Not when she stood right there, looking so sad, and I was dying to be the one to put a smile on her face again.
"Even if I could...be with you again..." The words came out tight and strangled. "Reaper would never allow me to rejoin the club. He made it abundantly clear I was to stay away from Four Corners and you."
"No, he'll let you come back." Mari spoke with an eager hopefulness as she took another tentative step toward me. "He told me he would, no questions asked."
Puzzled, I stepped away from her again. "Why would he do that?"
Mari's face hardened, a coldness settling over her that didn't suit her warm personality. "Because I didn't speak to him or Gunner for over three weeks." She looked down at her feet. "I thought so many times about leaving them."
"You...did? Because of exiling me?"
She nodded and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I injured her to the point of putting her in the hospital, and here she was, tearfully asking me to come back. They locked me away, then exiled me to protect her, and she nearly left them over it. None of it made any sense to me.
"I think they're finally understanding, especially now that I've come here," she went on. "You don't need punishment, Shadow, you need support. All the hard work you've done doesn't need to be thrown away over an accident—"
"Stop." I closed my eyes, the sight of her too much to bear. Another second of looking at her and I'd fall to my knees, begging her to stay. To be mine and no one else's. It would be completely unfair to ask, but that didn't diminish how badly I wanted it.
"I'm sorry, Mariposa." I turned away, intentionally using her full name. "We can't ever go back to how things were before." I started to walk away, pausing only to add, "I'll see about getting you a ride home."
"You said you would never leave."
I stopped in my tracks, her words hitting me like the Blakeworth arrows that once embedded poison into my back.
