Page 40 of Senseless
"Huh, I figured."
"But also." He pointed at me with his glasses. "Your progress has been remarkably fast compared to other patients with such extensive trauma."
"It has?"
"Yes, and that's all due to the work you've done before ever stepping foot into this place. Somewhere along the line, you had a support system. You felt safe and had people you could trust." He placed his glasses back on his face, peering at me over the rims. "Is it fair to say that Mariposa had something to do with that?"
My fists closed at my sides, as did my throat. "Yes," I choked out. "She had everything to do with it."
"Something I try to tell all of my patients," Doc said softly. "You are not your trauma, Ivan. You are not your nightmares, you are not your regressions or your flashbacks."
"But—"
"Are you a man who wants to hurt others? Who enjoys doing such a thing?" Doc's arms crossed over his chest. "Tell me, is that who you are, deep in your soul?"
"No." It was almost shocking how easy that answer was. "I don't want to hurt anyone. I never have."
"Then that is who you are," Doc said. "Everything else is a symptom of what has been done to you." He gave a small smile. "And we're working on that."
"I...think I understand, but," I scrubbed a hand down my face with a groan. "Mari still can't stay here, and I'm still worried about..." The guilt was still as present as ever, choking away any glimmering hope of happiness. "I can't risk hurting her again. I won't, Doc."
"Good. We'll continue with our sessions then." He picked up a wrench and resumed digging into the washing machine. "Mariposa will need a few days to recover from her journey, anyway. Once she does, I'm sure she's perfectly capable of coming to a decision on her own."
I left him to his work, feeling something between reassured and only more confused.
Thirteen
MARIPOSA
"You might want to cut back on acidic foods, like tomatoes," I said, handing a glass of water and two antacid tablets to the pregnant mother. "It'll help with the heartburn."
"Oh no, really?" The woman rubbed her belly with a crestfallen face. "But Heidi's tomato soup and grilled cheese is the best! It's all I've been craving during this pregnancy."
I offered a smile. "Cut back doesn't mean giving up for good. I'm just a medic, not the food police."
The woman looked relieved and thanked me as she waddled away with her heartburn tablets. She was the last of the ones who sought my advice this morning, after I had a full day to recuperate and let Shadow's rejection from yesterday sink in.
I didn't know what to make of our conversation, other than the fact that ithurt. So fucking much. I would have much rather dealt with another nightmare than hear him crush every hope I had.
What did you expect?I asked myself, wandering the dining room slowly, meandering toward the bar.He sees himself like Reaper did—an abuser and a monster, even when that couldn't be farther from the truth.
I slid onto an empty barstool, blankly meeting the eyes of the bartender with piercings and dark lipstick. It took me a moment to remember her name—Jen.
"Want some lunch?" she asked.
I nodded. "Sure, thank you. Anything's fine."
"I'll see what Heidi's got stashed." She disappeared through the swinging doors behind the bar, leaving me to look around the room.
There were a lot of women here. More than I ever imagined Shadow would be comfortable with. Come to think of it, he and Doc were the only men I'd seen since getting in two nights ago.
Small groups of women were spread out through the lobby, mending or knitting clothes as they talked. Some read worn-out paperbacks, painted their nails, put on makeup, or just chatted with each other. I could pick out the service girls pretty easily—they were more primed in their appearance and sat by the windows to look out for potential customers.
Was Shadow ever a customer?
Jen returned right then, pushing open the swinging door with her hip as her arms were full of plates.
My eyes widened at the multiple plates of food she set in front of me, and me alone. "Oh no, this is too much."
