Page 5 of Senseless
I felt his eyes on me as I started to eat. I ate fast, spoonfuls of broth, hominy, and chunks of chicken breast came robotically to my mouth. Food barely tasted like anything to me lately, it was just a resource. A means to an end. So I ate quickly.
"Mari."
I readied myself with a quick swallow of broth. Jandro was going to try this again today.
"Yes?"
"Slow down,mi amor," he urged, his voice gentle. "If you wait, if we can all eat together—"
I shut him down quickly. "No, thank you. I'm tired, and I’m just going to go to bed."
Jandro sighed, clearly disappointed, but didn't push the issue.
We ate together in silence, him mostly poking at his food while I consumed my sustenance like a robot. When my bowl was empty, I thanked him again with another kiss on the cheek, and cleaned up after myself.
The distant rumbling of motorcycles had just begun as I set my bowl in the dish drying rack. I dried my hands and immediately headed toward Jandro's room, feeling his eyes on me the whole way.
The growling engines were just outside the window as I got undressed for bed, pulling sheets and blankets over me as I curled up on the mattress.
When the engines cut, and I heard Reaper and Gunner's murmured voices from the garage, a pain slashed hard through my chest.
I missed them. I missed them both so fucking much.
But right on the heels of my longing came a different pain, one heated by anger and betrayal.
How could they?
It was that second pain that kept me from springing up and running to them, no matter how badly I craved Reaper's rough touch and Gunner's bright sweetness.
Jandro's voice mingled with theirs through the closed bedroom door as they came inside. All of their voices were low, murmuring and serious. I could only pick up a fewfucks from Reaper. He sounded angry, his tone harsh and biting.
It hurts to go without your wife, doesn't it?I thought cruelly.Now you know how I feel, losing a husband.
Shame flooded my senses, making tears well up in my eyes. When did I become so mean and spiteful? I still loved Reaper, so fucking much. I missed him with every cell in my body. But I also had these moments of hating him so intensely, I felt like a completely different person.
A soft weight dipped the bed near my feet, and then a rumbling purr filled the air.
I reached a hand out for Freyja, her furry head bumping into my palm and rubbing against my whole arm affectionately. She kneaded the mattress directly in front of my chest before flopping down and snuggling against me.
I pet her as she soothed me with that purr. I didn't ask her any questions, nor did she speak to me. Maybe she knew exactly where I was in my grief, anger, and heartache, and simply allowed me to be there. Maybe she knew how touch-starved I was for the three husbands I felt like I no longer had. Whatever the case, Freyja seemed to sense that I didn't want advice, just some comfort to dull the now-permanent ache in my chest.
Jandro came in roughly an hour later, his weight dipping the bed behind me as he shucked off his clothes for the night. The heat of his chest kissed my back as he got settled in, broad body wrapping around me protectively.
"I know you're awake." He brushed a kiss along the back of my shoulder.
"Mm-hm."
Jandro sighed deeply, his breath fanning over my hair. "Mari, how long are you going to keep this up?"
"Keep what up?"
"Come on, babe. I'm serious." His head flopped down on the pillow. "I know you’re angry, but it's been almost a month. You have to talk to them at some point."
I curled into a tighter ball, pulling my knees up toward my chest. "I'm not ready."
"Mari." His arm came around my waist, lips light on the back of my neck. "I can tell how much this is hurting you. It's hurting them too. Fuck, it’s hurtingmeseeing you all like this."
"And Shadow?" I said. "How much do you think he's hurting?"
