Page 6 of Senseless
"Read his letter again," Jandro said after a few moments of silence. "He wanted you to heal, to be loved by your men. He wouldn't—"
"Stop talking about him like he's dead," I snapped.He's still out there and he's still mine.
"I'm not even saying you need to forgive Reap now, or anytime soon. But this whole avoidance thing isn't doing anybody good. Just talk to each other, that's all I'm saying."
“And say what?” I scoffed. “That I’m still angry? That I still want Shadow back? He’ll just dig his heels in and stand by his actions like he always does.”
“You don’t know that. Reap would do anything for you.” Jandro brushed a small kiss along the back of my shoulder. “It’s killing both of them to not talk to you. They want their wife back.”
“Oh, great. Now we’ve reached the guilt-trip stage,” I huffed bitterly. “Well, guess fucking what? I want my husband back. The onehesent away when he knew I couldn’t do anything to stop him.”
“I understand,mi amor. You’re not the only one who wants him back.” Jandro squeezed his arm around my waist. “I miss him too. I don’t agree with what Reaper did. I don’t think it was right.”
“But you still support him.” The bitterness coiled deep in my gut, turning all the food in my stomach to acid. “Because you’re a good, loyal vice president.”
“I understand wanting to protect the woman I love from anything that would harm her, even our own club brothers. Especially if I nearly lost her, and I could remove the cause of her harm for good.” Jandro’s arm slid from my body as he rolled onto his back. “So no, I don’t support it. But I getwhyhe did it.”
“It was an accident.” I felt like I was stuck in an endless cycle of repeating myself. We’d had this conversation so many times already. “It wouldn’t have happened again. Shadow would never allow it to happen again. Heneverwanted to hurt me.”
“I know,” Jandro said gently. “I believe that just as much as you do. On some level, I’m sure Reaper knows it too. He reacted emotionally, as he tends to do. His woman, his whole world, was threatened. So he followed his instincts to eliminate that threat as soon as possible.”
“And he did so proudly. He thought it all out. He made a plan, which he carried out in several steps. He could have stopped at any point, but he didn’t. He could have waited until I was cleared from the hospital to see how I felt about it,but he didn’t.He was deliberate about the whole thing, and he will stand by his actions until the day he dies. That’s just the kind of person he is.”
“Mariposita, you won’t know that unless you talk to him. He’s made mistakes. He does have regrets about actions he’s taken. He would never want to hurt you, or jeopardize his marriage.”
“Maybe he should have thought of that before, you know, doing exactly that.”
Jandro sighed heavily behind me, and I knew he was rubbing his forehead or his eyes. These arguments going in circles were exhausting, and I was sick of them too. At some point, the cycle would have to be broken. I just couldn’t bring myself to take that first step. It was easier to be angry, to shut down and wallow in the hurt and bitterness.
His defense of Reaper’s actions made sense, and I could see the reasoning behind them too. Really, it was just as I expected from my passionate, protective first husband. But to admit that felt like defeat. It felt like I was excusing his behavior and letting Shadow down. Shadow needed more people on his side, not less. His letter all but told me he would never defend himself in this matter. He accepted Reaper’s exile because he believed he deserved it.
If he wouldn’t advocate for himself, then I would. I didn’t care if I was his victim. I loved him and I knew his heart.
“What do you want to happen, Mari?” Jandro sounded defeated. “How do we fix this?”
“I want Reaper to apologize and admit he was wrong. I want Shadow to come back, and us all to move forward.”
“And if that doesn’t happen?” he pressed. “We have no way of finding Shadow. For all we know, he could be out of the country now.”
“I don’t know.”
Jandro rolled toward me, resting a hand on my arm. “You have to make a decision, Mari. It’s not fair to keep dragging this on.”
“What do you mean?” I knew what he was getting at, but I wanted to hear him say it. I needed to know he was serious.
“You have to decide if…if you want to stay married to them or not.” His hand fell away. “And to me too, I guess.”
It wasn’t a complete surprise to hear. The gods knew I had fleeting thoughts of leaving them over the past few weeks. But it still hurt, hearing it spoken into reality. Panic clamped down in my chest as I flipped over to face Jandro in the dark room.
“I love you.” My fingers found his face and those plush lips I adored. His arms came around me and pulled me into a deep, emotionally-charged kiss. “I’m sorry this has been so difficult, and you’re caught in the middle. But thank you for being here while I need you.”
“I love you too,” he whispered, stroking over my back in a soothing pattern. “With my whole heart, Mari.”
I believed every word as our mouths found each other again. Our kisses were warm, passionate, and loving, but not escalating into lust. I wanted comfort and love, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything sexual since Shadow. Jandro was more than understanding, content to hold me and kiss me while I spent many nights crying.
“But,” he murmured at the end of our last kiss. “You know I’m not the only one who loves you.”
There it was, the reminder. The reality I couldn’t escape from. I didnotwant Reaper or Gunner like I had Jandro right then. I didn’t trust myself to even look at my two other men without screaming out all my rage at them.
