Page 7 of Senseless
But I wasn’t anywhere near ready to end things either. The mere thought of losing them, setting them free to love other women, ground my heart into dust.
“I’ll make a decision,” I promised Jandro as I turned onto my opposite side. “Soon. Just not yet.”
He kissed between my neck and shoulder as he settled in for sleep. “Okay. Goodnight, my love.”
“Goodnight.”
Morning came quickly. I got out of bed before Jandro, our usual early riser. His bedroom was on the first story, just a short walk to the kitchen where I started making coffee and a quick breakfast for us both. If Reaper or Gunner’s bedroom doors opened on the second floor, I’d be able to hear them and zip back to Jandro’s room before they could corner me.
The two of them tried getting up early to talk to me at first. When I kept retreating to my safe space with Jandro, they eventually stopped. I couldn’t decide if I was relieved or disappointed at that.
Avoiding them wasn’t the only reason I got up early, though. Horus’s perch was in the kitchen, mounted high near the vaulted ceiling to resemble a cliff ledge, where falcons usually made their nests.
The bird preened his feathers, pointedly ignoring my staring up at him while the coffee maker gurgled. My patience wore out when the pot was full. “Well?”
Horus fluffed up his feathers before smoothing them down, peering at me with those razor-sharp eyes.
Today is not the day, daughter. The time is not right.
I grabbed the coffee pot’s handle and jerked it toward me, frustration and disappointment bleeding into my movements as I slammed a cup down on the counter. Another fucking day of waiting.
And so the cycle of numbness and heartache started again.
Two
REAPER
My eyes wouldn’t stop aching no matter how much I rubbed them. Exhaustion was setting in hard. I probably only got a single night’s worth of sleep in three fucking weeks. Next to me, Gunner didn’t look much better. The whites of his eyes were red, dark circles underneath them making him look like a raccoon.
The two of us looked, and most likely felt, like ghosts. Haunted and empty.
“What are we gonna do, Reap?” It wasn’t the first time he’d asked that question, his voice coming out like a sad whimper.
I gave him the same answer I always did. “I don’t know.”
“Is this it?” he went on. “We’re coming up on a month of this. Is she done with us?”
Two weeks ago, maybe even days ago, I would have told him no fucking way. Mari was angry and just needed time to cool off. She had Jandro firmly in her corner. He’d make her see reason and come around.
Then the days of silence stretched on. Night after night, I went to bed alone. The closest I got to touching my wife was running my finger over the stone on her ring, which rested on my nightstand. Every single attempt to talk to her was met with a door slammed in my face.
I wasn’t ready to give up. Not until Mari looked me in the eye and told me to my face that I wasn’t her husband anymore. If she wanted to avoid me and slam doors in my face for another year, so be it. I would wait until she gave me an answer.
But fuck if this weird limbo wasn’t taking its toll on me. I fucking missed my wife, everything from her hair drifting over my skin as we slept, to her snappy little comebacks when I teased her. All my waking energy was spent being pissed at Jandro because he was the only one she talked to. Just the fact that he had her in his bed every night made me see red. I fucking hated feeling like an outsider in my own marriage.
It wasn’t even about sex. My drive had shriveled down to nothing the moment she called me a heartless piece of shit and took her ring off. I wanted only her, and only if she still loved me. Jealousy burned in me knowing she still loved Jandro, and probably even Shadow, for all the fuck I knew.
That was the worst part—that I no longerknewif she still loved me or not.
“Reaper,” Gunner whined again after I didn’t answer him. “I’m near the end of my rope, man. I can’t handle this shit, Ineedto know where I stand with her.”
“I. Know.” The words came out with a biting growl. “You don’t think I feel the exact same way you do?”
“You’re the pro at this shit, not me.” He lifted his hands, elbows resting on the conference room table. “What would your parents do in this situation?”
“No fucking clue.” I rolled my head around on my tired, aching neck. “Nothing like this has ever happened between my parents, or anyone in my community.”
“I wouldn’t wish this on anyone,” Gunner groaned, pinching his forehead. “I feel like I’d fall on my knees with relief if she would just look at me.”
