Page 72 of Senseless
Mari let out a small, sad laugh. “Yes, of course I still love you. I told you I would.”
“How?”
The word came out choked, my breath still stuck in my body. My eyes had closed at some point, like I was afraid to see a different reality than what I was hearing. Meanwhile, my hands closed tighter around hers, clinging to the feel of her really being here.
The weight of her forehead lifted away from mine, replaced by the soft touch of her lips. “Because you’re still you.”
Only then did a rush of breath enter my lungs, filling me up with a hope and relief that I never dared allow myself to feel before.
“I love you, Mariposa.” The sentence felt both strange and thrilling to say, a flipping sensation happening in my chest as the words left me. “I love you, and I want this. I want a life with you.”
Mari inhaled sharply, still a bit of a sniffle in her nose. I saw a quick flash of her smile before our lips found each other. My hands released hers and fell to her thighs before running up to her waist. She scooted forward in the chair, leaning into my embrace as her arms wrapped around my shoulders.
She was still crying, salty tears coloring the taste of our kisses. I broke away and wiped my thumbs over her cheekbones, desperate to fix whatever was wrong. But she was still smiling, which confused me a little.
“Are you…unhappy?”
“No.” She shook her head, then tilted her face to rest her cheek in my palm. “A little overwhelmed, but not unhappy.” At my frown, she kissed my palm. “I’m glad you showed me. What happened to you was awful and I hate it that it happened, but I’m glad I know now. I understand better.”
She looked at me so sweetly, with the same warmth she always did, and I started to wonder why I never wanted her to know my past in the first place. This was Mari, who never treated me differently, no matter how abnormal I perceived myself to be. My impulse was to open my mouth to warn her, to let her know that I’d still mess things up and not get everything perfect. I would do my best, but she was still the first woman I was ever trulywith,the first one I loved. I’d fuck something up again. I always did.
Then I realized none of it needed to be said. She knew I wasn’t perfect and loved me anyway. This woman never saw me as lesser than her other men, even before we became friends. She forgave me for hurting her even before she knew the whole story. Now she knew all there was to know about me and, like the sun setting every day, she always stayed with me.
Suffering and bleeding were the constants in my life that I never expected to change. I fully expected to be a caged animal until I died. The only other constant I’d experienced was Mari’s care and kindness, which grew into a love that strengthened me like nothing else. Because of her, I broke down barriers that I caged myself in. I became more than a broken-down shell that was only useful for its blood.
I became a person, someone with their own wants, dreams, and desires. Someone who wanted to experience what else life had to offer, like loving another person.
“I feel…better, now that you know,” I said, still stroking her cheek even though her eyes had dried. “I don’t want to keep anything from you anymore.”
She nodded her agreement, cupping her hand over mine. “That’s the only way this works. Being honest and open about everything.” Her eyes darkened as she lowered our clasped hands to her lap. “That’s what hurt most about Reaper exiling you. The dishonesty of it.”
“Will you forgive him?”
Her gaze flicked from our hands up to my face. “Do you think I should?”
I thought for a moment, curling my fingers around hers and stroking over the small digits with my thumbs. I just loved to touch her and was entranced with the feel of her skin, now that the huge weight of guilt had been lifted away.
“He acted with your best interest in mind,” I said. “Not only that, but your physical safety. I can’t fault him for that.” Mari’s eyes narrowed and her lip curled with a cute snarl. It brought a smile to my face, probably my first real one in months. “So yes, I think he’s deserving of forgiveness when you feel ready.”
She made an even cuter grunting sound, fingers stroking over mine and the simple returned affection brought an elated, weightless feeling to my chest. “I think how he treatsyouwhen he sees you again will be a determining factor in that.”
“Fair enough. When do you want to ride back?” My smile faltered, a quick stab of anxiety hitting me in the chest. “Doc and I meet twice a week. Maybe if we do more sessions—“
“Shadow, he told me he has a colleague near Four Corners who can help.” Mari’s grin grew wide. “And even then, he said you only need supplemental therapy now. You have all the tools and your mind is strong.” She untangled her fingers from mine, wrapping her warm touch around the back of my neck. “And you have me, always.”
The anxiety morphed in my chest, becoming a heavy ache, but not one made of fear. It was like a dense brick of emotions wanting to burst from my body, even making my eyes water. Now I understood why she cried even when she wasn’t unhappy.
“I would be nothing without you,” I said through the tightness in my throat.
“That’s not true.” Her eyes began to water again too. “You’re amazing just as you are.”
Our bodies collided with a force that we couldn’t have fought even if we wanted to. She crashed against my chest and my hands pressed to her back like we were made to be joined as one. And right then, it was the only thing I needed in the world. More than air, I needed to be inside my woman. Ineededher lips on my scars and to feel the heat of her skin on mine.
Securing her with my hands on her ass, I rose from the floor and turned us toward the bed. I didn’t need to think about kissing her correctly anymore. Even our clumsy, frenzied rush of lips and tongues felt natural and right.
I lowered her back to the mattress, our mouths locked in a tight seal until she clawed at my shirt to pull it over my head. Some part of me wanted to go slowly with undressing her, make it a slow, drawn-out exploration like our first night together, but mostly I just wanted her so fucking badly.
“Tomorrow,” Mari said, her touch grazing down my stomach to the button on my jeans.
