Page 94 of Senseless
Mywife. A warmth spread through my belly that had nothing to do with the alcohol.
“I barely remember doing it,” I admitted. “I saw he was about to shoot her and it was like instinct took over.”
“Even better.” Reaper leaned back in his seat. “I’m no scientist, but in my opinion, that means even at the subconscious, cellular level, despite all this other shit you’ve got going on, you’ll do anything to protect Mari.” He reached over and slapped my shoulder. “That is why I’m not worried about her safety with you.”
“Thanks, Reaper.” I understood and appreciated what he meant, but I was still stuck on the wholeseeing through the deadthing. “Do the others know? About your…sight?”
“Yeah, we were gonna tell you and Mari once you all got settled in.” Reaper tilted back on the rear legs of his barstool.
“Have you…used it again?”
He nodded, looking at nothing straight ahead of him. “Jandro and Slick got ambushed last week and I looked through some of the dead at that scene. Blakeworth guys, not ours.” He let out a weary sigh. “It doesn’t feel right to look through our own men after they’ve passed. Like it’s invasive and they deserve to rest.”
“Who did we lose?”
“Brick, his nephew, couple others.” Reaper scrubbed a hand down his face. “Jandro had to leave them to bring Slick back to the hospital. It’ll be suicide to get the others’ bodies, as much as it sickens me to leave them out there.”
“We’ll still hold memorials for them. We can do it here at the house.”
Reaper nodded. “Governor Vance wants to put a memorial plaque in the City Hall building. Their names and the date and everything.”
“That’s nice of him to do.”
“Yeah, he’s a good guy.”
Silence hung over us for a few moments, in this rare display of…could this be called friendship?
I didn’t know if I’d ever considered Reaper a friend before. In the years I spent in the club, he and I never shared a drink just between us like this. I was his assassin, and he was my president. I knew my role, my usefulness. He had my complete respect and trust as a leader, but it was Jandro who I turned to when ordinary things confused me. Likewise, Reaper treated me with the same cordiality as everyone else in the club, but I wasn’t constantly rubbing shoulders with him like Jandro and Gunner.
Now we shared nearly everything. A home, a wife. And now a bottle of whiskey.
“This ability of yours,” I said, breaking the silence. “Do you think it’ll be useful in…what’s coming next?”
Reaper refilled our whiskeys as he answered. “You mean all the fucking enemies surrounding us, or this manifestation of chaos and destruction coming for everyone?”
I shrugged. “Do we know they’re completely separate issues?”
“You know.” Reaper straightened, his gaze down in his whiskey as he pondered. “They’re probably not.” He took a quick sip and added, “You know, fuck it. I’ll bet you they’re not.”
“I agree with you.” I swirled my own whiskey. “If we have gods working with us, it only makes sense there could be gods working against us.”
“Fuck, man,” Reaper huffed. “With you, Mari, and Horus back, and now this crazy sight thing, I just…hope we can turn the tide on this war. Because let me tell you, it has beenroughbeing without all of you here. These last few weeks have been like we’re fighting blind, then our arms are tied up, then our toes get broken, then we catch a cold, and it’s just non-fucking-stop.”
“We are stronger together,” I agreed. “Not just the Steel Demons, butus.”
“Yeah.” He gave a wry smile. “Our little family.” His smile faded and his gaze flicked away, as if temporarily in pain.
“She will forgive you,” I said. “She’s trying.”
“I know. It’s not even about that, really.” Reaper rubbed his mouth. “Not to make this into a woe-is-me bitch-fest, but with all the gods and the crazy shit we’ve seen? I wish I could undo it all. Hurting her. Exiling you.” He leaned his forehead into his hand. “This is the probably the most valuable lesson I’ll ever learn, but fuck, I just wish you two didn’t have to suffer for me to learn it.”
“It wasn’t just you that learned an important lesson,” I said. “I wouldn’t be sitting here if I was still stuck in my old thinking pattern.”
“Oh yeah?” Reaper leaned his temple on his fist to look at me. “What did you learn?”
I sipped my whiskey as I thought of how to sum up all the ways that Doc and Mari had changed me.
“That I’m not everything my past told me I was,” I decided. “I’m not inherently evil just because I’m a man. I don’thaveto believe in all of the abuse I internalized. My thoughts about myself aren’t always true.” My gaze dropped to my whiskey glass, swirling around the last sip. “And I don’t have to sabotage happiness for myself. I…have a right to be happy.”
