Page 4 of Merciless
“Frustrating,” I repeated in a flat voice. “That’s an interesting choice of word.”
“Mari.” Gunner tried next. “We all want the same things. Any one of us would do anything to get Reaper and Shadow back.”
These empty platitudes were sickening, literally. I felt on the verge of throwing up.
“Then why was I the only one ready to ride out of that garage just now?” I demanded, then turned to Jandro. “And why did you stop me? I thought we fought these battlestogether.”
“Because the last time we were all out there, two of us got taken away.” Jandro’s gaze burned into mine. “And I’ll be damned if the same thing happens to you.”
“He’s right,” Lis chimed in softly. “Rory and Shadow stepped up so you could get to safety. Your men will do anything to protect you, so please don’t be reckless, Mari. You are brave and strong, but don’t let their sacrifice be for nothing.”
I gawked, dumbfounded at my mother-in-law’s words. “How can you say that? This is yoursonwe’re talking about. Your last living son! And I’m not some helpless damsel, I will do anything to protectthemtoo!”
“What she’s saying is,” Gunner voiced gently, “there are four of us and only one of you. We can’t afford to lose you, Mari, because you are irreplaceable.”
I wanted to scream at all of them. Why couldn’t they understand? “So are all of you! I can’t afford to lose any of you.”
“That was an understood risk every time one of your men stepped onto a battlefield,” Finn said. “You know as well as I, sweetheart, that there was some chance that not all of your men would return.”
“So what’s your brilliant plan, then?” I demanded. “Treat them as casualties of war and just move on with our lives?”
“No,” Finn said with a firm shake of his head. “I will not consider them fallen until I see them with my own eyes.” His face softened just a fraction, weariness settling into his features. “But this…force, whatever it is. We’re even less prepared to deal with it than I initially thought.”
“We’ve been hardly prepared during this whole war,” I argued, looking to Gunner and Jandro for support. “We’ve beaten incredible odds in previous battles, haven’t we?”
“Baby girl.” Gunner gave a sad, heartbreaking shake of his head. “You saw the size of those mind-controlled forces. They surrounded the whole city. The five of us didn’t even make a dent.”
“But if you mobilize the whole army—“
“We did have casualties, not to mention damage to property and equipment when they swarmed the town,” Finn cut in. “And we’re still recovering from the ambush in which Jerriton helped us. It wouldn’t just be dangerous to send troops to New Ireland now, it would be a suicide mission.”
I sank back against the couch. “Then what do you have planned?”
I was met with deafening, defeated silence. That terrible lack of any answers had me yearning to run out to the garage and hop on my bike again.
“We don’t want to give up,” Jandro said finally. “We just can’t see how to pull this off in a way that isn’t a suicide mission.”
“There has to be a way,” I insisted. “There just has to be.”
“If you have a plan that isn’t running in blindly to save them,” Finn softened the remark with a small smile, “we’re all ears.”
Of course I didn’t. I knew it was stupid to rush out on my bike, to pick fights with my loved ones and accuse them of not caring, but I didn’t know what elsetodo. I had nothing to pour my worry into, no battles to prepare for. I was running in place, spinning my wheels like a motorcycle stuck in a mudslide. It wasn’t just me dealing with this, but knowing I wasn’t alone was a small comfort. I didn’t want comfort anyway. I just wanted my men back.
And it wasn’t just the fact that they’d been captured by the enemy that weighed on me, but the timing of it.
Shadow and I had just reached such a beautiful part of our relationship after struggling forsolong. He no longer feared hurting me or being open and vulnerable with me. It was incredible to see his confidence, to see how his journey of healing had paid off. He deserved a lifetime of happiness and love, and to imagine him being tortured again, regressing to a point of constant fear and distrust, was a pain I could not fathom.
And Reaper…
A pang of regret hit me so hard in the chest, I had to stand up and leave the room. My chest, my whole body even, felt so constricted and tight. I needed space and fresh air. I made a beeline for the sliding door in the kitchen, pulling it all the way open and shutting it behind me. Being out here, without everyone’s eyes on me, was only marginally better. It didn’t help that I caught sight of Reaper’s whiskey in the corner of my eye on my way out.
I sat on the edge of the stoop, a soft breeze and the light clucking of chickens my only background noise as I thought back to my last moments with Reaper. Before the battle, before he was taken from me.
He had been earnest and heartfelt with me. I knew the depth of his remorse without a doubt, and he was there for me when I was inconsolable after seeing my dad in the field hospital. After everything we’d been through, Reaper still hadn’t given up. I leaned on him when I was weak and told him how much I still craved him.
Then my husband gave me exactly what I craved and Istillpushed him away.
My fists clenched as I wrapped my arms around my legs, resting my forehead on my knees as my eyes squeezed shut. Hot, angry tears threatened to spill—the anger aimed entirely at myself.
