Page 44 of Merciless
"Youmade me that way! Because you're an abusive, psychotic bitch!"
I should have saved the last of my strength rather than spend it yelling my lungs out at this ghost, hallucination, whatever she was. But I was too deep in my rage, completely lost to the storming sea of anger and hatred that used to rule me. Hatred at myself for what I was, anger at her, at everything, for never allowing me to have a normal life.
"No, you're just proof that the Elder was right. Our goddess was right! Men do nothing but destroy everything they touch. You almost killed a woman you supposedly love! She could have died just likesomany others."
The echo of a thought whispered through my mind,She's right...
"You're wrong," I said in an attempt to squash the voice, but my doubt began to bleed through. I was good at killing, and little else. What if I wasn't a good man? I did hurt Mari, the one who mattered to me the most...
No, no. You've been here before. Don't go down this path again. Come back, Shadow.
I managed to find my breathing somehow, focusing my attention on a memory of Mari's face and the shallow expanding of my lungs.
My mother's image was still there, but it flickered like it was fading.
"I accept responsibility for what I did to her," I said, calmer than moments ago. "And I know you died never feeling an ounce of responsibility for what you did to me." I lifted my head, looking my mother square in the eye. "That alone makes me a better person than you ever were."
She flickered even more rapidly, like the flame of a candle under a gust of wind. “I have been a victim ofmenmy whole life, including you!” She stuck a bony, trembling finger in my face. “You almost killed me too when you were born, you know.”
“I wish I did.”
There was no reasoning with her, no way to make her see that it had been me who was a victim of hers. The only difference between now and back then was the knowledge that she no longer had power over me. “Fuck, I wish I could’ve watched you bleed to death when that militia rolled in and killed everyone.”
“You’re a sick, evilman!” she spat.
“I hope you’re in some kind of Hell right now,” I went on. “And all the men you killed for bullshit sacrifices for your fake fucking goddess are treating you exactly like how you treated me.”
“I should have killed you when you first drew breath outside of my womb!”
“I hope you feel every bit of pain I stopped feeling years ago.” My life likely would be ending soon, so now seemed like the best time to unload everything I wished for the monster who birthed me into the world. “The pain isn’t even the worst part. I hope you feel so utterly lonely that abuse becomes attention you’re grateful for. I hope that every time you feel a shred of happiness, it’s ripped away from you in the most cruel and unbearable way.”
I shut my eyes against her visage, which held on stubbornly despite its flickering and fading. “If I live beyond one more day, I’ll never speak of you or waste another thought on you again. Your power over me is gone, and you don’t deserve to live another miserable second in my head.”
A sensation washed over me, like I had been paralyzed before but now I could move. She was gone when I opened my eyes, but I didn’t know if that was a victory or defeat.
Reaper continued to lie motionless on the other side of the dingey cell. I was still chained to a wall and growing weaker by the hour, mentally and physically. I had said what I’d wanted to say to my mother for years, but the closure was overshadowed by the fact that I was still in a dungeon. I would probably watch my friend die and follow him soon after. I might never see Mari again.
I needed to give Emma an answer when she returned in a day. What scared me the most was, I didn’t know if I had the courage to tell her yes.
Sixteen
JANDRO
Ipaced in front of the bikes, unable to sit still. I was both eager and filled with dread at this ride out to the fortress. It could be my last ride on this earth.
Only Hades and Freyja were with me, watching me wear a hole into the pavement like it was a spectator sport. Gunner was off with the general, finalizing the number of troops we'd need. And Mari said she wanted a moment alone while they did that. Unusual for her, but I tried not to worry. Everything depended on the success of this mission. The weight of it on all of our shoulders was no small thing.
I reached out to Mari with the god-infused, harnessed leash-bond or whatever it was. Here I thought I was the most basic dude of our group, but it turned out I had some special abilities too.
My perception overlapped with Mari's as I focused on our bond. She was out on one of the balconies, watching the tail end of the sunset fade into dusk. I felt the smooth glass of her butterfly pendant as she stroked a finger over it, heard the soft click of metal as her ring touched the necklace too. A gust of wind blew, and I couldfeelher dagger earrings swing like tiny windchimes along the sides of her face. And when she placed a hand on her left hip, I knew she was thinking of the man who tattooed her there.
She tugged back on our bond, the sensation like a string in my chest. It startled me, and I stopped reaching with a gasp and an elevated heart rate.
A few seconds passed and Mari reached for me again, amusement bleeding through our connection. I realized I could sense her proximity too. She no longer stood at the balcony now and was on her way toward me.
"Spying on me?" Mari asked with a smirk when she entered the garage, her voice echoing through the space.
"Just checking on you," I said, reaching for her with my arms now. "And trying this bond thing out since I only learned about it like an hour ago."
