Page 72 of Merciless
So have I. I thought of Shadow, how timid he used to be despite being the most skilled assassin I'd ever seen. I thought of how he made strides and then regressions. And how he offered up himself to protect me in that dungeon. Since waking up, there was kind of unspoken solidarity between us. I understood him better now, and he knew better than anyone else how that experience had changed me.
I'd had a few nightmares since waking up from the coma, mostly flashes of the Sha grinning and laughing. Some other patient or random medic in the hallway would look vaguely like one of the guards who beat me and I'd feel phantom pains or a rush of adrenaline.
Mari knew. I was certain Shadow knew. The other guys probably figured out I'd have some lingering effects. And obviously my dad caught on.
I didn't like anyone in my business. I hated being perceived as weak. My first impulse was to snap at my dad that I was fine, to quit digging into me.
But I paused with the words on the tip of my tongue, still reconciling the Shadow I first met with the man I knew now.
He was no weaker now that he had gotten real help. If anything, he was much stronger now. I never saw him regress once in that dungeon. He'd only been concerned for me. A year ago, I wouldn't have trusted him in the same room as Mari. Now, he was among the only three I trusted with her.
Mari only ever wanted to help him, to ease the suffering caused by a life of trauma. In that dungeon, Shadow tried to spare me as much suffering as he could. And I knew without a doubt, the rest of my family only wanted to help me too.
"I'm okay right now, Dad," I said as he pulled to a stop in front of the house. "Some days are better than others. Some nights are hard but, shit."
The others had pulled up next to us on their bikes. Jandro was the first to hop off and open the garage door, releasing a very excited, stubby-tail-wagging Hades.
"As long as I got this," I nodded to the scene outside the window, "I'll be okay."
Dad smiled at me, relief etched into his features as he clapped me on the shoulder. "Good, son. Lean on them. They'll hold you above water when it feels like you can't breathe."
"I will." I made a decision in that moment to really act on those words, not just say them. If Shadow could, then I could.
"Let me get your door." Dad took off his seatbelt and started to get out of his seat.
"Pfft. I got it, old man. I'm not your wife, you can put away your chivalry."
He laughed but got out of the car anyway so he could greet everybody.
I stepped out of the passenger side, keeping one hand on the car for balance as I made my way around the hood. I had just made it past the first headlight when Hades caught my scent and zoomed toward me with an excited bark.
"Whoa, whoa. Hey." I leaned against the car as the massive dog jumped up so that he wouldn't tackle me to the ground and put me right back in the hospital.
He was all puppylike excitement—jumping up to lick my face, stubby tail going crazy, and rubbing into my ear scratches like nothing else in the world mattered. It never occurred to me until right then how weird it was for him to act completely like a dog.
"Hey, Hades." I held both sides of his head, trying to get a closer look into those endlessly black eyes. "You in there?"
The dog blinked and tried to lick my chin, then wiggled out of my hold and tried to sniff my pockets for treats. I knew from just a glance there was no longer a god inside this animal. He was just a dog.
When I looked up at the others, Mari answered the question in my expression.
"Since we killed the Sha," she said softly. "After they possessed us, they just...left."
"All of them?" I asked.
Mari nodded and Gunner spoke up next. "They still act mostly the same, probably because they've been with us since they were born, but...they're just animals now."
"He's still Freyja's favorite," Mari said, nudging Shadow.
"It's just because I'm the tallest and she likes to climb," he huffed.
The others gave him skeptical looks while I was still trying to process the information. "Why would they leave?"
"They haven't left," Mari corrected. "They're just not guiding us through animals anymore. And from what they said," she shrugged, "because they accomplished what they came here to do."
She was probably right. The gods came to us with a very specific purpose, but I didn't expect them to just retreat back into the void. It would take me a while to adjust to no longer being an instrument of death.
But still, the thought was freeing.
