Page 66 of Their Property
“Well, can you fucking blame me? I lost everything! I losthim.” I stabbed a finger at the protective glass covering the photo.
And yet you have everything in those five people standing over there.Munin turned his head, pointing his beak to where Grudge, Dyno, Kyrie, Chris, and Tiff stood by the bikes, watching me with tense expressions.You can’t have lost everything while still having something. It’s impossible.
“Well, shit, thanks for the fucking lesson.” I looked down at the photo, running my finger over Bash’s face again. “I just…I don’t ever want to forget him.”
Then remember him.
“But what if I don’t?” I returned my gaze to the raven, my throat tight just as I found the ability to voice my fears for the first time. “What if I go days and weeks without thinking about him? What if I start to forget what he looked like?” My eyes dropped to the photo again, as if I was in danger of losing Bash’s face from my mind at that very moment.
You won’t.
“But how do you know?” I demanded. “People are forgotten all the time, and Bash deserves better.”
Because I have been with you this whole time.
I narrowed my eyes, not understanding, then my heart jumped into my throat. “Bash?”
No, Travis.The bird cocked his head from left to right as he looked at me.I am Memory.
A scene played out in my head right then, one of my many conversations with Bash from years ago that I thought I’d forgotten.
“Odin had two ravens he would send out into the world for information,” Bash had said, the details of his face obscured by cigar smoke. “They were Hugin and Munin, thought and memory. Through these ravens was how he obtained his wisdom.”
“Did the birds talk?” I had asked, just to humor him. “Or did he see through them?”
“Both. He gave them the gift of speech and also went into trance-like states when his mind journeyed with them.” Bash had gone quiet then, carefully ashing his cigar before puffing it back to life. “There’s a poem in the Poetic Edda, I’m sure Grudge knows it, where Odin is worried about his ravens returning. Interestingly, he seems to be more worried about Munin returning than Hugin.”
“Why’s that?”
Bash went quiet again, almost meditatively still, while wisps of smoke drifted around his head and shoulders. “Because if Munin doesn’t return, his memories are lost forever.”
The very next day, we happened upon two raven chicks that appeared to have fallen out of a nest. Neither one of us had understood the compulsion to take care of the screaming baby birds, but we didn’t fight it either. Their names had come to us effortlessly, with barely a thought. Hugin had bonded to Bash. Munin chose me.
I stared at the adult raven now, on the precipice of some greater understanding that was just out of reach. When it finally hit me, it felt like stepping off the edge of a cliff.
“Did you know he would become a memory to me? And that’s why you’ve stayed?”
Munin cawed softly.All things become memories in time. Some are painful, but you are not honoring Bash’s memory by remaining embroiled in the pain of his loss. He does not want this for you.
The fact that he referred to Bash in the present tense made my heart stop. “How…? Is he…?” I didn’t even know what I was trying to ask.
He is at peace. Beyond that, I do not know.
That knowledge made me feel lighter, like a boulder sitting on my chest for years had been lifted. I looked at the photo of us one more time and the cutting ache of seeing his face eased slightly.
“Can I keep this?” I wondered aloud.
Memories are meant to be kept. Bash desires nothing of this world, except for your happiness.
“Why does it feel wrong though? I feel…guilty about feeling happy.”
You feel guilty because you believe it should have been you instead. You’ve ventured so far into your pain and grief that its familiarity is comforting. To release your pain and step fully into the present takes courage, Travis.The bird stretched his wings out to the sides before resettling them against his body.That is why I am here. To guide you out of the past so your memories can be just that, memories.
I always knew, to some extent, that it wasn’t fair to Dyno and Grudge that I remained so stuck on losing Bash. They never complained about my years-long grieving process, but that wasn’t an excuse to not be fully present with them. They deserved more of me. And now with Kyrie potentially in the mix, all three of them deserved a better me. I just wasn’t sure if I had it in me to be that man.
Bash believed I could be.
My grip tightened on the picture frame. “And you, well, my memory of him, won’t ever leave me?”
