Page 16 of Faithless
I regretted the words once I said them. WhileInever thought of Torr as a brother, he and Daren were as close as brothers, their bond forged during that time he lived with us. My parents essentially considered Torr to be another son. Even after he was placed in a foster home, my parents made it known that he could stay with us at any time. Which he often did. In every way that mattered, hewasfamily.
If my words bothered him, he didn’t show it. He just nodded and kept swinging lazily next to me.
“Thanks for the smoke, but you don’t have to stay with me,” I told him.
“Would you rather be alone?” he asked.
It took a while for me to answer. “No,” I admitted. That was the last thing I wanted. I didn’t feel prepared to handle this on my own. My thoughts would just end up spinning in circles. I wanted someone to tell me what I should do. Or at the very least, provide an outside perspective.
“Then I’ll stay,” Torr answered, like it was the most simple matter in the world.
My knee-jerk reaction was to crack a joke about him having somewhere better to be, like hitting up one of his many booty calls. But in reality, I was grateful for him being there. I’d never have him in the way my chest ached for him, but he’d always been a solid friend.
And friends trusted each other. They gave each other support and guidance. Torr was fairly closed off when it came to his own feelings, but he’d never made me feel bad for wearing my heart on my sleeve. Hell, my heart was on every single stitch of clothing I wore when I was drunk. Whenever I cried into a bottle about a guy cheating on me or dumping me because I was “easy”, Torr and Lily would take turns holding me in equal measure. I’d lost count of how many times I’d woken up, hungover and puffy-faced, with my head in his lap, his calloused fingers stroking gently through my hair.
The only thing I kept to myself was how I really felt about him, because we all knew that would end disastrously.
So I couldn’t keep quiet aboutthis. He’d go around and start asking questions if I suddenly up and disappeared, anyway. My dads were hardasses, but Torr was just as stubborn. He’d get to the bottom of it eventually.
Torr offered me another smoke and chuckled in surprise when I accepted. “Something must be really fucked for you to be smoking this much,” he observed.
I took a deep drag, letting the nicotine hit all the right neural pathways before I answered him.
“Do you believe in gods, Torr?”
7
TORRANCE
“Gods?” I repeated. “Like, more than one?”
Rori shrugged, flicking the end of her cigarette with a delicate finger. “Anything bigger than us, really. Higher powers, that sort of thing.”
I paused to light up and inhale. “Yeah, I guess so.”
She looked surprised at that, eyebrows lifting. “Really?”
“Yeah. Not in a religious sense, but I’ve always believed in something bigger than us. Why would humans have evolved to search for greater meaning if it’s not there? Looking for those answers has always been a part of us, since we’ve lived in caves and shit. Maybe it’s the searching itself that matters, and not the answer, but we all have that drive to find things that aren’t right in front of our face. It’s imprinted in our DNA.”
Rori’s lips curled with a soft smile. “I didn’t know you had such a philosophical outlook on things.”
“You never asked.” I tried to soften the words with a smirk, taking another pull of my cigarette. I wished she’d ask me what I’d imagined that mouth doing, especially as her lips pursed to drag on her own cigarette.
“I’ve never believed in anything.” She looked almost embarrassed by the admission, her amber eyes flicking away. “Like, sure, I don’t know all the answers. But I’ve never really cared either, you know? I’m just one person. Who am I to figure out how the universe works? There are people way smarter than me who can’t agree on what it all means, so why should I worry about shit beyond my own day-to-day life?”
“Nothing wrong with that either,” I said.
Rori glanced back at me. “You don’t think that sounds bitchy and self-centered?”
“Nah. But I feel like it’s more personal than that, though. If something makes sense toyouand makesyourlife feel meaningful, then who gives a fuck what so-called experts say? And by the same token, if youdon’tfeel like you’re missing anything by not having gods or something bigger in your life, that’s cool too.”
Rori sighed and tilted her head back, stretching the long, pretty column of her throat. “What if I didn’t think I was missing anything until a god literally flew into my life?”
“Um.” I braced my feet on the ground to stop my swinging and look at her more shrewdly. “What do you mean, Ror?”
“I left Daren’s this morning all out of whack because I thought I was going crazy.” She tossed her cigarette down almost violently and scraped over it with her shoe. “If I tell you, you’ll probably think the same thing.”
“I already know you’re not crazy,” I said. “But I can tell something’s weighing on you, and you’re thinking about it really hard. If it’s family shit, like you said, I’ll stay out of it. I’m here for you though, Ror. Just say the word, and I’ll shut the fuck up while you get whatever it is off your chest.”
