Page 93 of Harmless
“Anyone else in my position would have done the same,” I answered stiffly. “Is there anything else?”
Rori straightened, her relaxed expression hardening. “How’s Hudson doing?”
The question took me aback, and I did not hide it. “I’m surprised you would ask.”
“So am I,” she said dryly.
“He’s…well, not great,” I admitted.
“He’s dangerous.”
Now that got me defensive, and I squared my shoulders in her direction. “He’s been through an insane amount of trauma. What me and Santos went through doesn’t hold a candle to him. I’m actually shocked he’s held on this long. But what he needs most is help, Rori.”
Her expression softened by only a fraction. “I can understand that. But we can’t have someone around who will shoot at people indiscriminately.”
“He won’t do that again,” I protested. “He will needlotsof time to adjust to a normal life again, but Hudson is not a violent person at his core. He’s like Santos, kind of. He just…lashed out because he’s basically a cornered animal.”
Rori narrowed her eyes. “I thought we were about to start getting along better, but here you are, defending the man who could have killed me if Santos hadn’t jumped him.”
“Obviously, that was wrong, full stop.” I extended my palm out to her, imploring her to understand. “But all he’s known, all day, every day foryears, is being tied to a bed and raped by women, Rori. He’s never even had the tiny freedoms that we had as gladiators. He never got to choose weapons to defend himself. He was never given the choice to fight for his life or die. It’s just been endless women in his face, on top of him, touching him, and there’s nothing he could do about it. And I’m sorry, but can you put yourself in his shoes just for a minute? What would you do, if that had been your life for six years and you saw a man as you were making your escape? If you had access to a gun, would you take the chance ofnotshooting?”
Rori said nothing and her expression didn’t change, but I knew my words had hit home. The silence stretched out between us until she asked quietly, “What do you suggest be done with him?”
I sighed and rubbed my forehead, the responsibility of Hudson hitting me then like a ton of bricks. Who knew if he ever would be able to return to a normal life? Could ever safely interact with women again? Hell, even be in the same room as one?
“I’ll work with him,” I said. “He’ll stay in the other house with the fighters, as long as you and the other women don’t mind staying here. I think it’ll help if I’m around him and he’s around other guys, you know. It’ll make him feel safer.”
“And then?” Rori prompted.
“I guess we’ll have to see.”
She sighed, the breath of air deflating her. “I’ll see if a trauma therapist can come up here. Frankly, I think you, Santos, and all the other fighters could use some therapy.”
“I guess that’s fair. As long as it’s a male therapist.”
“Of course.”
She gave me a strange look then, one that got me all kinds of defensive. “What?”
“Are you in love with him?”
“Who?” I demanded.
“Hudson, who else?”
“I—no.” Her stare didn’t waver, and it felt like being under a microscope. “I…wouldn’t call it that,” I amended with an awkward chuckle. “I’ve always carried a torch for him, somewhat. But you know, the situation we were in didn’t exactly lend to anything romantic developing.”
“So, working with him, as you say.” Rori steepled her fingers. “Is it personal to you?”
“I want to see him get better,” I admitted. “I want to see him thriving and healthy again. But as far as hoping for something to happen between us?” I waved that away. “It’s been years. He’s fragile, and I’d never take advantage of him while he’s like this. Besides, I’m fucked up in my own way. I’m not what he needs.” I shrugged. “I don’t even know if he’s into guys, to be honest.”
A slow smile pulled at Rori’s lips again, the one that said she knew more than she was letting on. “We’re all fucked up in our own ways, Devin. That doesn’t mean we’d be terrible friends or romantic partners. I mean—” she raised a hand, catching herself. “I don’t mean you and me but in general.”
“I know what you mean.” I laughed softly. “And I appreciate the sentiment.”
She smiled wider. “The fact that you’re willing to look after Hudson this much is a testament to how un-fucked up you really are. As is you saving my life out there.”
I looked at the floor, for some reason unable to look her in the eye. “Thank you for saying that.”
