Page 60 of Little Paper Games
“Dammit, Kenna,” my hands took hers in mine. Slowly her eyes moved away from the sofa, marred with confusion, and found mine.
“Oh, thank God,” I breathed against her small hands, fisted within my own. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I don’t know what to do. Help me.” The words she spoke were fragmented. Her voice sounded hoarse and overly dry, as though just producing the words were too much.
“I can do that. Let me do that. Let me help you,” I agreed, feeling the relief wash over me that she was still here, at least on some level.
“Kenna, can you tell me? Do you want to be here? Or at my place?” I watched for a response again, my eyes searching her green ones. Her brow furrowed, lifting as tears filled her eyes, just on the verge of spilling over. The sheer will power she was showing in an attempt to hold it together was awe-inspiring.
“Here?” I asked again. She waited only a moment before shaking her eyes almost wildly.
“Got it. Hold on, baby. I’ve got you.” I grabbed her phone and my own, sticking each one in a back pocket before lifting her gently into my arms and making my way back to my place. She didn’t need to be in this space any longer than she wanted to be.
I kicked the door shut behind me, carrying her up the flight of stairs to my en suite bathroom. I sat her down on the closed toilet seat while I prepared the rest. The en suite in each half of the duplex was outfitted with a garden jacuzzi tub. I plugged the tub and ran hot water through it. Kenna and I had taken a shower together not long ago, so I already knew she liked her water to be exactly one degree cooler than molten lava so I let the heat run full blast. I grabbed a bath bomb from the glass jar above the toilet and deposited it into the water, watching it dissolve and fizz into a shimmery rose gold color.
“You have bath bombs?” she whispered. She hadn’t moved from where I’d set her, but she must have watched me deposit it.
“I do,” I answered quietly. “Up you go.”
I helped her to her feet, gently and slowly removing her shirt and then her pants. Her bra and underwear followed in the most non-sexual way possible. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her body and show her how incredible I thought she was in this moment, but that would be taken sexually. This had nothing to do with sex. This had everything to do with strength and understanding.
Instead, I helped her to the tub. When she didn’t immediately step over the side, I lifted her up into my arms again and sat her inside the tub. I started to move away, to give her space, but she grabbed ahold of my hand. My eyes met hers and she mouthed the word “stay”. I couldn’t say no.
“Do you want me here? Or in the tub with you?” I asked sincerely. I’d go wherever she wanted me. She pointed to the water, and I quickly stripped down to my boxers. I shifted her forward slightly so I could sit behind her. As soon as I’d situated myself, gritting my teeth against the ridiculous heat of the water, she nestled back against me. My arms went around her, holding her close and kissing the top of her head.
“Just relax. I have you. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. You don’t have to speak if you don’t want to. I have you, Kenna.” I reached for a washcloth that was stacked in a little container by the side of the tub and wet it thoroughly. I lifted it until the water cascaded over her exposed skin. Over and over I just let the water rinse over her, gently. I know I found it relaxing. She seemed to think so as well. She almost melted into my chest, her breathing hitching every so often with quiet tears.
Slowly, I used body wash, lathering the cloth and began to wash her body. Kissing her forehead. Kissing the tops of her shoulders. Just being there for her.
“It’s okay. Let it go,” I whispered as I let the water and the cloth sooth her. Her tears came faster. Then slower. They stopped as she lay there in my arms. Improvising, I dumped the container that held the wash clothes and used it to pour water over her hair, wetting it completely before washing it slowly. It was as though the grief came to her in crashing waves. Violent and turbulent one moment and calm and receding the next.
By the end of the bath, when the water was cooling, she lay cuddled up into my chest with her knees pulled up not unlike a small child.
“Shift a little for me, Kenna. I’ll get out and grab a towel. You stay right there, baby.” I slipped out of the water, discarding my soaked boxers before drying off and cinching the towel around my waist. I picked her up again, not wanting her to do anything but be cared for in that moment. I set her on her feet in front of me and dried her off slowly. Making sure to get every inch before wrapping her in the towel and leading her into my room.
“Arms up, Hun,” I spoke softly, grabbing a tee shirt from my dresser and a pair of boxers and helping her to put them on. She was in shock and seemed to be in a completely different world. That was okay. I could be here for her now, when no one else could.
I helped her into bed, tucking her in and situating the pillows so that she was comfortable. Her hand held on top of mine when I tried to move away.
“Don’t worry, I won’t leave. I’m just moving to the other side of the bed.” She seemed to calm at that, and I quickly got into bed beside her. I pulled her close, feeling that tension inside my chest release just a little more when she nuzzled in tight and close.
“I don’t know what to do, Jude,” she murmured against my chest. I felt her tears drop against my skin, but her weeping was silent.
“I don’t either,” I agreed with her. I didn’t have answers, no matter how much I wished I did.
“Just, don’t leave. Not right now.” I don’t know why she’d even think I would.
“Wouldn’t dream of it, baby. Not in the slightest.”
“What if —” she began, but I wasn’t having any of that.
“No, we aren’t going to do that. Whatever ‘what if’ is in your brain, we will deal with it, when it happens. You aren’t alone. You have your mom. You have my parents. You have Janie. You have me.” I ran my fingers up and down her back, soothing her as we lay there in the warm sunlight of the day. It was barely noon and already so much had happened.
Kenna’s stomach growled a while later. We’d both fallen asleep at some point and the sun had moved low in the sky.
“Sorry,” she whispered, and I opened my eyes to see the red of her blush spreading over her cheekbones. I adored that she blushed.
“Don’t be,” I said, just in time for my own stomach to gurgle in response. “What would you like to eat?”
