Page 73 of Little Paper Games
As hard as those first days were, the worst of it hit at the two-week mark. My mother called to tell me that against all odds, Dad had come off the ventilator and was stable. It was a huge moment. All that worry and fear welled back up inside of me, and I yearned to talk to someone about it. I tried to talk to Janie, but it just wasn’t the same.
Speaking of Janie, that woman had been on my last nerve. She tried to be there for me, but at the same time, she had told me to stop getting in my own way time and time again, yet here I stood. I knew it was my fault for pushing him the way that I did. It was obvious he had no idea what Christian and Devin had done, yet I couldn’t let it go. That day, even after having sex, even after he made love to me, we still fought.
Janie had explained that I had years of pent-up rage and fear and trauma pent up against the man; that it would take time to deconstruct that and forgive myself in the end of it all. She’d been right. But so was Jude. I didn’t even know what Jude was thinking, aside from the fact that I was apparently too much to be around right now. Maybe ever.
“Kenna, are you going to open up or not?” Janie called from the front door. She’d driven over now that the strict guidelines had started to lift, to help me hang a large set of hexagon shelves in my living room. I’d busied myself over the last several weeks with redecorating some of my place. It needed a refresh, and so did I.
“Coming!” I hollered from the stairway, making my way down to meet her. I threw open the door and pulled her to me.
“Christ, woman! You’re smothering me! And not in the way I like,” she giggled. I just pulled her into the house and closed the door, not letting go. I had missed physical touch. More than I could admit. I still wasn’t able to see my parents. The doctors had said that Mom might be able to visit Dad at some point, so she was being hyper vigilant to not get anything.
“I just missed you!” I replied, finally letting her go. “It’s been too long, and you know it.”
“True! But let’s get down to brass tax, shall we? The real reason I came here, after all…” she trailed off.
“Put the shelves up.” I answered.
“Make sure you’re using the toys.” She answered at the same time. I rolled my eyes. It was good to see her. Beyond good.
The morning made way into afternoon, and soon we were — finally — putting the shelves up. We were about to place the last one when I heard the car arrive next door.
Jude was back.
It had been weeks. Well over a month, with no contact other than his mother telling me he was okay. Now he was back without a word. I made my way towards the window, only to be stopped by Janie.
“Leave him be, Kenna. It’s not worth it. Plus, you were thinking about going on that blind date, right?” she asked, with feigned hope in her eyes.
“I never agreed to that,” I sighed. I didn’t want to work on the shelves anymore. I wanted to walk my sassy little ass over to Jude’s place and demand that he talk to me.
“Seriously, Kenna, is this what you want?” Janie asked me again. “Ask yourself if this is what you want in a partner. Honestly, take the time to think about it.”
I stood there, looking at the stupid adjoining door in silence for a long while.
“The shelves are up, Hun, and I put the figurines on them like we talked about. I’m going to head out and give you some space. But… Kenna, just know that I have your back. No matter what you decide. Okay?” I felt Janie kiss my cheek and walk out the door. Still I stood there. Was this what I wanted? Or should I just let it lie and move on?
Chapter 22
KENNA
Ihadn’t made a decision on what to do about Jude by the next day. Or the next week. Or even now, three weeks later. That blind date that Janie was pushing me on had finally become unavoidable. Jude was quite the opposite. I never saw him. He was there, at home, I knew he was. I could hear his weights clanking at the damn hairy ass crack of dawn just like before.
I’d found myself looking at that door time and time again without ever doing anything about it. I could have pounded on the door and demanded. I could have camped out on his front porch until he had to see me. I could have done a hundred things, but I don’t think any of them were right. Jude had needed space. That’s what his mother had said. So, space I gave. I was still giving space. If he wanted to end the space giving, he should reach out. It wasn’t on me. No matter how hard I wanted to talk to him. There were a million things I needed to say to him. A million things I didn’t have the foggiest idea ofhowto say to him.
Instead, I tried to focus on my upcoming date with Todd. What kind of name was Todd? I tried to shake it from my head and move on. Janie had tried to set up a date between the two of us no less than ten times over the last few weeks and, finally today, I was too worn down to say no. I mean, why not, right?
Right?
My eyes flitted back to the adjoining door. It was better than silence.
Awhole three days had passed since I had agreed to the date with Todd and here I was canceling on the poor kid. It was a laundry list of reasons, in the end. Todd and I had exchanged emails and had begun a small correspondence in preparation for our first date. It only took three days for the list of reasons to cancel to grow. First, it was the fact that apparently, he was still living with his parents. Not because of Covid, not because of a layoff. No. Because this 28-year-old man didn’t want to move away from a nice home and into an apartment. It just felt weird to me. Second, he was a little too into reptiles for my tastes. The part that pushed it over the edge was the fact that he asked me to pick him up because he didn’t have a way to get there and his mother didn’t approve of him dating yet, so she wouldn’t take him.
Instead of preparing for my date, I was currently wearing my best — and holiest — pair of sweatpants, an old, crazy soft tee-shirt and I was currently deciding between mint chocolate chip and chubby hubby ice cream to scarf. I had just decided on my great love of Ben & Jerrys when something caught my eye, just barely in my peripheral vision. A tiny piece of paper had flown under the adjoining door. There was barely any space for it to pass through, yet there it was.
I felt my heart pound in my chest as I bent down to pick it up. Setting the pint of ice cream down, spoon still caught between my lips, I unfolded the tiny piece of paper.
We should talk.
No shit, motherfucker. I pondered what to do from there. Grabbing a pen, I scribbled my own note on the back of his and slipped it back under the door.
