Page 99 of Bartholomew
“Levi? Really?” I nearly snorted at the idea. Though, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. “I guess that makes sense. He is a bit uptight at times.” I blushed at the fact I had basically spoken ill of his brother.
“Oh, yeah. He’s as uptight as they come when he wants to be. But Ruth balances him out. But, as I was saying, it’s different for everyone. This,” he said, squeezing my hands in his again, “this can be whatever we make of it. There will be times where we will have specific scenes planned out. Some things we want to try may be more serious and require more talking before we venture into them. Other times will be like what we have been doing. More laid back and easy. Whatever we want. If we want to only be Daddy and firefly in the bedroom, so be it.”
“I don’t know, I quite enjoyed being Daddy and firefly in the study the other night,” I said with a sassy wink. What was coming over me?
“Fuck, I love that sass, love.”
There was that word again, plaguing me with thoughts of doubt, of hope, of something more.
“What I’m trying to say, Delilah, is that while sometimes it’ll be serious and planned, and others times laid back and easy, the important part is that we both get what we want from the dynamic and from each other. As long as we are both fulfilled and happy, it will be a healthy dynamic. Well, as long as we have good communication, too. No dynamic will work out without good communication and honesty. We can’t hold back from one another. We can’t keep things tucked away inside.”
Something came over his expression as he spoke those last few statements. Just a flicker of something there in his eyes that had me questioning. I should have let it go. I should have kept my tongue in check and let this evening end on the high note we currently were at. But that’s not what I did.
“Ollie, you tell me time and time again to be authentic. Now, you just told me how important it is to have good communication and honesty. You want my authenticity. But do you think I can’t see that you’re hiding something?” I did my best to soften my castigation with a kind tone and a squeeze of his hand.
“I feel like now isn’t the right time,” he admitted with a heavy sigh. That didn’t sound good.
“Ollie, in the last few weeks, I’ve learned so much from you. One of those things is that setting aside the hard conversations just because it’s not the right time is not always the right move. Tonight has been full of difficulties. I’m not afraid of it. So, tell me whatever you have to say.” I steeled myself for whatever he was about to say. Based on the look on his face and his adamant hesitation about this conversation, it would not be anything good.
His eyes roved over my face, searching for something.
“Wait, do you think what I’m about to say is something bad?” he questioned, surprise evident on his face.
“Well, yeah. Why else would you be so hesitant to say whatever it is?” I chuckled awkwardly, the tension in the room a little too thick for my liking.
“Oh, you sweet, sweet girl,” he snickered, tugging at my hands, effectively throwing me off balance and pulling me into his lap.
“Ollie!” I scoffed, lightly smacking him on the shoulder as I righted myself. I was sitting across his lap, making it easier to snuggle into him. Still, I held myself back. I needed to hear what he had to say. Especially before snuggling in. For all I knew, this conversation was about to take a very hard left into something bad.
“I’m serious, Delilah. It’s nothing bad. I don’t think. It’s just…” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair. It really did suck how he had perfect hair, even after sex, or after the shower, or after anything really. It just always looked good. “It’s just that I’m not sure right now is the right time to have this conversation.”
“Oh, come on. Spit it out already,” I teased, but I looked at him with kindness and understanding.
“Everything I just told you about how I want this with you. How I want this dynamic, and I want to grow with you. There’s more to it than that,” he began. “Do you have any idea how incredible you are?”
“I mean, you just finished touching nearly every part of my body and telling me how much you loved it,” I teased softly.
“Yes, I suppose that’s true. But it goes so much deeper than that. Delilah, you are hands down, the strongest person I’ve ever met.” His admission floored me and somehow made me feel awkward all at the same time. Me, the strongest person he knew? With my flabby stomach and my — No! I would not go there.
“I don’t know, Ollie. Have you seen Malachi?” I teased, and he chuckled along with me.
“True, Malachi is a big dude, but he’s all brawn. Brawn and snark. But I’m being serious. You have an inner strength that is so much more than you realize. It’s more than I possess, by far. No, I’m serious,” he pushed again when he could see I was about to argue again. “You continually dig down deep and you just… you just fucking persevere. There is this quietness about how strong you are, too. You don’t flaunt it or flex it. You just… well, you just are. You let it fortify you and you work through every situation with that strength held just under the surface.”
His words shook me to the core, but instead of continuing to bat the compliments away, I let them wash over me.
“It’s not as easy as all that. It may lay just below the surface, but so does the pressure. The unyielding and unending pressure to always be more. Because I’ve never been enough.” The words felt thick and heavy on my tongue, like they were resistant to being spoken.
“But that’s just it, you keep going. You have all this pressure, all this fucking abuse, and yet you somehow find a way to not only face each day, but to do it from a loving and kind place. Day in and day out. And that is something remarkable in my book. Delilah, for me, it’s easy to basically write shit off as not worth my time. I do it far too often and I’m aware it’s one of my biggest flaws. I’ve just watched my brothers go through life here in Zion with all these pressures and expectations. Levi has Father’s shoes to fill. Malachi is always expected to fix things and make things for literally everyone, with no actual concern for whether or not he actually wants to. Zeke is, well, Zeke is Zeke and has his own issues that we basically sweep under the rug. But he’s constantly expected to be better, to be normal. Gideon is pressured into stepping up and being more adult than he actually is at his young age. And then there’s me. Somehow, I get looked over and I like it that way. I can dance through life without a care. For fuck’s sake, you have witnessed firsthand, time and time again, how I use humor to deflect nearly any and every situation.”
I had to chuckle at his ramblings. It was true. He did use humor as a defense mechanism almost all the time.
“But, love, since meeting you, since I began getting to know you… Well, there’s no other way to put it. You’ve changed me, Delilah,” he admitted, turning me to face him directly. His eyes met mine. What I saw there in their sapphire depths was nothing but simple and transparent truth.
“You have made me realize so much. Like the fact that you can’t fix everything with a quick wit and a sharp tongue.” I bit my lip, trying not to giggle. His tongue could solve many things, but I knew what he meant.
“Yes, I know there was a joke there. Wide open for it, in fact,” he chuckled, and shot me a knowing glance. “But you’ve shown me the importance of being serious, of taking things more seriously. You didn’t do that by forcing me, though, like everyone else in my life has done. I’ve watched, time and time again, as my brothers have been forced into things by our elders simply screaming and demanding their expectations and their outcomes be met. But you didn’t do that. You came into my home, into my life, with quiet acceptance. With no demands, you let me be myself and accepted me for who I am. And in return, I saw who you really are,” he spoke ardently, his eyes never leaving mine for a moment.
“But, Ollie, don’t you see you did the same for me?” I returned, needing him to understand. “This entire thing has been something I didn’t know existed. And I’m not talking about the kink, or the plan, or whatever. It’s been a two-way street. I came into your home and immediately, on day one, you called it our home. You gave me something I never thought I would have in my life. You gave me ownership. You gave me a place to be something other than just a service I provide. You showed me that I’m more than just someone’s property.” My words poured out of my mouth, purely unable to stop them once I had begun. But it was my truth, and I was tired of not addressing it. “Ollie, I thought that when I said I do, I would get a new set of rules and regulations and requirements. But what you gave me was a home. You gave me a real, honest to sky daddy, home.” We both chuckled at my statement.
