Page 31 of Ezekiel
Or perhaps not.
“Yes, just tired,” I sighed heavily. I didn’t want to push her away. I truly didn’t, but the sounds of, well, everything were becoming louder and more irritating by the moment.
Fuck this stupid condition.
“Zeke, something seems wrong. Did I do something wrong?” Fuck. I steeled myself, doing whatever I could to tamp down the anxiety that was building so rapidly inside of me, it felt like every nerve was on fire. I rolled over to face her, trying to find a comfortable position that I knew would elude me.
“You did nothing wrong, Talia,” I reassured her with a smile. “Not in the least.”
“Okay, but I don’t believe you,” she huffed, rolling over to turn her own bedside lamp on.
“Why not?”
“Because your tone has completely changed and while you smiled at me just now, it didn’t reach your eyes,” she accused, sitting up against the pillows and crossing her arms across her chest in a tiny gesture of annoyance or defiance. Whichever it was, the Dominant in me came rushing back to the surface, wanting nothing more than to mold her back into beautiful submission.
“I’m not trying to be difficult,” I stated slowly, already knowing the argument that would come from her. Even I could hear the cold indifference in my voice, though it wasn’t the truth. It was just the stupid noises.
“Then why are you? I swear, it’s like you’re two people. One minute you’re this… this person who sets me on fire and challenges me in ways I hadn’t known existed. Then you’re cold and reserved again.” I could see in her eyes that she longed for understanding. An understanding I wanted to give her, but it wasn’t that simple.
“I don’t know what to say.” I stumbled over my own words.
“Try,” she implored. Try. It was what I had asked of her. I had asked her to trust me when it came to this play, to kink. I had asked her to try. She had risen to the occasion with such a flourish and natural grace. It stunned me as much as it inflamed me. Try. I would try. For her.
“You’re not wrong in your assessment of me. I feel like I’m living two different lives at any given point in time. The me that you first met, the one that all of Zion thinks they know, that’s one half of me. It’s the part of me where my condition reigns supreme and controls everything. I have to walk through this life like I’m in attendance at a masquerade. I make people think I am one way because it’s all I can do. The anxiety and rage that this condition evokes inside of me… it’s all I can do to control it around normal people,” I tried to make her understand.
“Normal people? What do you mean?”
“I mean that the second half of me, the one that you saw tonight, that is the real me. When I can be a Dominant, I can shed all the masks and costumes of the life I’ve learned to live in Zion and just… just be myself. It allows me to just be Zeke. I don’t have to pretend, or hide my condition away. I’m not a sadist all the time, Talia. Far from it. But being a Dominant is the only thing in this world that quiets the raging symphony of chaos and noise that rings in my ears every waking minute of every day. It’s the only thing. When I can be by myself, when I can shed off all the layers of fallacy that I’ve learned to use as a mask, that’s when I can truly breathe and just be myself.” I felt breathless as I spoke. The uncertainty and insecurity of telling her such a huge truth only exacerbating the anxiety that continued to vibrate through me.
I watched as she processed my words and I steeled myself for the incoming slew of questions I knew were on the tip of her tongue.
“What can I do?” she asked suddenly, the look on her face morphing from one of confusion to one of concern. Concern. Not pity.
“I don’t know,” I sighed, wishing more than anything that I could change, to just be different, for her.
“Will you try something for me?” she asked, her eyes sparkling in the dim light with an idea.
“Sure, why not? It can’t make it worse,” I joked, sitting up in bed beside her.
“Will you lay your head just here?” she asked, patting her lap. I looked at her in confusion.
“You want me to lay my head in your lap?” I asked again.
“Yes, I do,” she retorted, quite pleased with herself. “Just trust me.”
Just trust me.
It was the same thing I was asking of her; I reminded myself again. So, in this, I would trust her as she trusted me. Diving in with both feet. I shifted down in the bed, turning to lay my head in her lap as she had asked. I felt the tension and anxiety rise in me even further and then… then she placed her hands on my head, her fingers playing with my hair.
She ran her fingernails over my scalp, lightly scratching as she played. Shivers erupted over my body at her light touch, rendering me almost speechless for a moment. The anxiety still whirled within, threating to overtake me, but something about the way she was touching me overwhelmed me in a completely different way.
Trust me, she had said.
I didn’t know what to say. Fuck that! I didn’t know what to even think!
“Shush, Zeke. Just relax and let go. I’ve got you,” she whispered sweetly, and, Christ alive, I listened. I felt the sounds that buzzed and irritated every fiber of my being start to go quiet. Not by a lot, but enough that I could think straight.
My heartbeat began to slow by the smallest degrees as she touched me with such gentleness.
