Page 92 of Ezekiel
“So just because I’m new means that my desires are less valid?” she scoffed. She had me there.
“That’s not what I’m saying.” I pulled my hands away, running them through my hair in frustration.
“Then use your words, Zeke.” she threw the words I had used on her back at me.
“I am trying, dammit!” I cursed. Frustration threatened to boil over. “Why won’t you just let me care for you?”
“I will, Zeke!” she yelled back at me. “But the two are not mutually exclusive. You can still give me care and give me grace as I figure all of this out, while still being us. I miss us,” she urged me, taking my hands again. I had begun to wring them in my lap as anxiety threatened to seep over. For the first time in over a week, I wanted to run.
“How am I supposed to do that, Talia? How am I supposed to be okay with doing those things to you with all that happened?” I protested again.
“I see,” she said, a look crossing her face that I had least expected. Shame.
“Talia, I’m trying here,” I said gently.
“Well, I guess I’ll make it easier on you, in light of your position. Forget it.” And with that, she stood and walked out of the room.
What the fuck had just happened? Why had she felt shame? Why did she just walk away?
More importantly, why was I sitting here and not going after her?
I leaped from my chair and followed her. I could hear her footsteps on the stairs and went after her.
“Talia, wait!” I called after her, but the resonating sound of the bedroom door slamming was the only response I got. I took the stairs two at a time, using the railing to hoist me up faster. We would not leave this conversation like that. She wanted to communicate, and I had let her down.
I turned the doorknob to open it, but it didn’t budge. She had locked it.
“Talia, please open the door,” I requested gently. The Dominant in me wanted to take over so badly. It had been lurking, waiting impatiently to be let out again, but I had pushed it down time and time again this week. I told myself it was because she didn’t need my dominance right now, that she needed my care. But to tell the truth, I was afraid. I was afraid of making things worse. I was afraid I had already crossed a line that we could not recover from. If she wanted honesty, I would give her my truth.
“Angel, please. Please open the door. I know I said the wrong thing. I’m not sure how it was the wrong thing, but I want to figure it out. You were right. Communication is key, both in kink and in our relationship. Please don’t shut me out,” I pleaded with her through the door.
I heard her groan only a moment before the lock clicked and the door opened. Thank fuck.
“Thank you,” I said sincerely. “Please talk to me. I promise not to be a dumbass, but please don’t just run away.”
“Why not? You do,” she shot back, sitting at the foot of our bed, her arms crossed indignantly. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she cringed. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that,” she rectified. I knew she didn’t. She wasn’t the kind of person to be vindictive and hurtful like that.
“I know you didn’t mean it like that. Okay, I’m here and I’m ready to talk. Why did you storm out?” I asked.
“Because I’m not going to fight you on this. If you can’t bring yourself to be intimate with me again because of what —”
“Hold up. Wait. Where the hell did you get that idea? You think I don’t want to do kink with you because of your flashback?” I asked her incredulously. The thought was ludicrous.
“Well, yeah. You said that after my flashback you couldn’t do it, so…” she trailed off with a shrug.
“You misunderstood. After what happened, I blame myself,” I admitted honestly, a hand pressed to my chest. “Talia, you were in my care and what I did to you pushed you to that flashback. It caused you pain and grief so severe you fled not only from our scene but from our very house in the middle of the night stark naked! I was a wreck with worry for you. And when I went after you and couldn’t find you? Christ, woman! I have never felt fear like that before in my life.”
“So it’s not that you don’t want to? It’s that you blame yourself?” she questioned, and I nodded. “But that’s crazy! What you did… that has nothing to do with the flashback, Zeke, other than the fact that I was so deep in headspace, I had an emotional break. That’s what you called it. Andthatis what brought on the flashback. And I’m glad it happened.” Her eyes looked up into mine and I saw the truth shining there back at me.
“I never want to cause you pain,” I admitted, emotion lodged in my throat.
“Yes, you do,” she teased with a half smirk.
“You know what I mean,” I chastised with a smirk of my own. “You were in my care when you experienced something traumatic. That does something to a Dominant. Not only a Dominant, but to a husband.”
“But because of that moment, that moment that you helped unlock, we have information about not only me, but about Zion, that we didn’t have before.” She had a point there. It was true, but it didn’t assuage the guilt I felt that she had experienced it in my care. “Zeke, that memory was bound to unlock at some point in my life. I can’t express to you how grateful, how lucky, I am that it happened while I was you. I trust you. You have broken no trust with me.”
Her words hit hard and deep.
