Page 128 of Malachi
“Do you?” she hedged.
“I asked you first.” I could almost feel her eyes rolling, though I kept my own eyes trained on the road ahead of me. I knew I was being brash, throwing the question at her like that, but the conversation wasn’t exactly comfortable.
“That’s a cop out, Kai, and you know it,” she scoffed. She certainly wasn’t making this easy. My hands tightened on the steering wheel as I doubled down on my resolve.
“Oh well, I don’t care,” I shrugged off as nonchalantly as I could in such a conversation.
“I am not exactly sure how to answer that, if I’m being honest,” she finally admitted with a heavy sigh. Her head fell back, resting against the back of the seat as she looked out of the window at the passing trees in the moonlight.
“That’s okay. I’m here to listen to whatever you do have words for,” I answered honestly. I realized in that moment that I was anxious to hear her answer, whatever it ended up being.
“I don’t think I want it. At least not anytime soon,” she stated after a long pause.
“Thank fuck,” I sighed heavily. I hadn’t realized just how badly I wanted her to say those exact words. Thoughts and emotions swirled back up inside of me, and I tirelessly pushed them back down. I wasn’t prepared to deal with them right now.
“Well, that’s quite a reaction,” she chuckled.
“It’s not that I’m opposed to kids. I’m thrilled for Zeke and Talia. I just don’t know about that for me. For my life. You know?” I attempted to explain. I was doing a piss-poor job of explaining, I realized, but I didn’t know if I could think about it too hard right this very moment.
“I’m not sure I do. What do you mean?” She urged me to continue. I groaned, shifting in my seat.
“I mean that.. well…” I trailed off, words failing me.
“Just as you said, I’m here to listen, Kai. You can be honest.” Her words were perfect, but that didn’t make this any easier. Not by a long shot.
I was quiet for a long while. We had pulled up and into the driveway and I still couldn’t quite bring myself to form the words. My brothers had all arrived, and I waved them ahead and into the house. We needed a minute.
“Are you okay?” she asked, concern etched in her voice.
“I don’t think I’d make a very good father,” I admitted, finally, the words rushing out of my mouth in a huff after a momentary pause.
“What?” she exclaimed softly. “Malachi, are you serious?”
“As a heart attack,” I scoffed lightly.
“You would make an incredible father, Kai. You have to know that,” she said with genuine affection.
“That’s sweet of you to say, but let’s be honest, you don’t even know me that well. You don’t know for sure that I would be,” I groused, knowing that I was just pushing her away. It was reflexive, but once the words were out, what could I do?
“I know you far better than you think, Malachi Temple. And I know you’d make an incredible father,” she fought back. “You’re a good man.”
“Eden, think about it for a minute. Look at the role model I had. What could I possibly offer a child, having that kind of trauma in my past?” The words tore out of me without my permission, tears stinging at my eyes. This was why I didn’t want to dig up these thoughts. It made controlling my emotions that much harder.
“So you think that little Violet is doomed, then?” Her snarky attitude took me by surprise, pulling my gaze back to her.
“What? No! Why would you say that?” I fought right back.
“Well, Zeke had the same role models you did, so by your reasoning, you think he will be a terrible father.” She actually crossed her arms over her chest in a defensive, nearly dismissive display.
“That’s not what I said,” I spat at her. “Don’t twist my words.”
“I’m not twisting your words. I’m showing you the fault in your logic. There’s a difference,” she tossed right back like lightning.
“Just forget it. Let’s go inside,” I grumbled, feeling more than a little uncomfortable.
“No, Malachi. You’re not just going to run away at the first sign of a hard conversation.” Dammit, she had a point. But I didn’t want to listen to that point.
“Why not? You run all the time.” I knew those words stung. They were uncalled for. Yet, they had flown out of my mouth unbidden. I immediately regretted them.
