Page 31 of His North Star
I guess I’d find out. “Sure. Wednesday night it is.”
“Spill it,” Mom said, sitting next to me on the brown couch in their living room. When Grandma and Grandpa had built the property, they designed the main lodge, which held the registration desk, kitchen, and multipurpose room on the main floor. The second floor became their home until they passed, and my parents moved in.
I leaned my head back against the cushion. “James is nice. But I’m scared. I can’t go through what I did with Blake again. I’m not even recovered from it. So how can I risk my heart so soon? Or ever?”
I’d never been able to keep a guy around. At some point, they all abandoned me. Sure, their phrasing varied, but in the end, they all gave the same reason.
I wasn’t good enough.
And they were right.
Mom scooted closer, laying her head next to mine. “Love isn’t for the weak. It takes courage, bravery, and most importantly, forgiveness. It’s time you forgave Blake and yourself.”
“What do I need to forgive myself for?” I demanded. And forgive my horrid ex? Laughable.
“Oh, baby girl.” Her voice held motherly love and knowledge. “I can see how much you blame yourself. Relationships take two people, both fighting for the same thing. You’ll never be ready for love if you shoulder all the responsibility.”
“I don’t know how to forgive myself,” I whined like I was six years old. “Or what I’m even forgiving myself for.”
Mom patted my hand. “You blame yourself for not seeing his lie, and worse, for believing the lies he fed you. It’s time to let that go. And it starts by telling yourself, ‘I am enough.’”
Yeah, sure. Because talking to oneself wasn’t considered crazy. Besides, three little words didn’t change anything.It didn’t retract the words he’d spoken that cut deeper than a knife. Or the lack of judgment on my part. I was nowhere near ready to let go of everything that had happened. It wasn’t like flipping a switch that turned off my feelings and allowed me to move on.
“I’ll try to work on it,” I said. I’d figure out what to do, if anything, about James on my own.
“I hope you do. And I think it’s time I tell you more about what happened after Gary passed away.”
Mom was married for a whole whopping two months before her first husband was hit by a drunk driver and killed. I couldn’t imagine the devastation she endured. The craziest part of the whole ordeal was Mom forgave the woman who had hit her husband. They exchanged letters while the woman served time.
“What about him?” I asked.
“When he passed, I was completely heartbroken. I couldn’t get out of bed. I showered maybe once a week, and trust me, Grandma was not happy about that.” She chuckled. “But I had no clue how to move on. I found my one true love, and he was suddenly gone before we even really started. I mourned the experiences we promised one another that were ripped away in a flash. The other thing that plagued me—who would ever want me? I was damaged goods. My heart was broken beyond repair.
“When I met your dad a year later, he was so sweet, but I pushed him away. Time and time again, I refused him. See, I didn’t think I deserved to be loved, because I was still healing from Gary’s death. Oh, but your dad”—she smiled sweetly, lost in memory— “he never gave up. He was patient and told me he’d wait for me as long as it took. When he told me that, I finally realized I didn’t need to be perfect or completely healed in order to love him, and more importantly, to accept his love in return. That’s why I’ve been pushing dates on you. Despite what happened with Blake, there is someone out there who will love you. And you know it’s true love when they want you, broken bits and all.”
This made me love Dad all the more. That he didn’t give up on Mom. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. “I don’t know if there is, Momma.” I reverted to my childhood endearment. Like a small child, I sought Mom’s comfort. Even though her advice wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
She patted my hand. “Sometimes in life we go through things we aren’t comfortable with. But it makes us stronger. Braver.”
Brave? That wasn’t me.
“Why don’t you tell me more about James?” Mom asked. “When do we get to meet him?”
I sat up, twisting over my shoulder to see her. “Maybe soon,” I hesitantly admitted. “He wants to come see the place and kayak on the lake. But we’re just friends at the moment. I’m not sure about anything else right now.” Ty was the only person I felt somewhat whole around. Maybe instead of spending time with James, I should cling to Ty. I snorted. Lys would love that.
Mom might be onto something. If someone really loved me, they would acceptallof me. Since Ty didn’t love me the same way I’d always loved him, maybe it was time to stop using him as my crutch. I might not be good enough for Blake, Ty might only love me like a sister, but James was here, constantly asking to spend more time together. Maybe he was the one to love the broken parts of me?
“Bring James on a Friday night,” Mom suggested. “Then you can have s’mores with us.”
“And forty other people?” I shook my head. “No, thanks.”
She laughed. “All right. I see your point. Just don’t bring him and use the excuse we were too busy to meet him.”
“You know me too well.” I flashed a cheeky smile.
“You remember that.”
I flung my arms around her shoulders. “I love you.”
