Page 79 of His North Star
I couldn’t help the insecurities that always nagged at me since Blake. His voice lived in my head, continuously mocking me or making me doubt myself. I never planned to tell Ty what Blake said to me, out of fear. The darkness made me feel brave, and I was tired of his words haunting me. Maybe if I told Ty, Blake’s grip would lessen.
“I guess you need an explanation of why I’m so needy and insecure right now.”
“It would help. I mean, I don’t mind telling you how awesome you are, but the past few months have been a little more than usual.”
I pointed to the sky. “When you look into the countless stars above, which one draws your attention most?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
I smacked his shoulder. “Just answer the question.”
He took a moment before responding, finally pointing to Jupiter.
Not a star, but I’d roll with it. “Why did you pick that one?”
He shrugged against my arm. “It stands out the most.”
“Exactly.” I said it like that one word explained everything.
“I’m not following you.”
I shifted, finding a more comfortable position. “Imagine that all the stars we’re looking at right now—let alone the ones we can’t see but know are there—are all the things we store in our brain. Memories. Worries. Tasks. Insecurities. You get the idea. All these things are constantly on our mind. But the stars—or things we think about most—are the biggest because they’re what we focus on more than others. So our attention to them makes them bigger.
“For example, my pain from Blake’s breakup. I’ve been so focused on it for the last six months that my Blake star is larger than others. Um,”—my voice caught with all the emotions from Blake—“I didn’t realize until Blake broke up with me how emotionally abusive he was. It started slow, but in the end, he was awful and really hurt me.”
Ty inhaled sharply. “What did he say?”
I rubbed the edge of the blanket between my fingers. “When he told me he was moving to LA—without me—he unleashed a slew of insults. He said I would stand out in a big city. That my small-town roots were too unsophisticated for him and his new life, and he couldn’t imagine me there with him.
“He said I’d trapped him in our relationship with my physical affection, but there was only air between my ears. That I was too weak. Too fat. Too plain for the high life Hollywood offers. Everyone would know he only married me out of pity because there was no comparison between the two of us. I was scum. No hotel would offer amommy’s girllike me a position. It would be selfish of me to make him stay in our relationship. And I’d been self-centered enough already.”
I let out a shaky breath as each sentence sent my heart rate higher. “When we were dating, the way he phrased his put downs, and the tone he used, made me feel like he cared for me. Like he only said those things to push me to be a better version of myself. For example, he’d tell me how beautiful I was. But anytime we ate, he’d say how many calories I was consuming and how much exercise I’d need to maintain my size. I started running a lot and lost fifteen pounds. With every pound dropped, Blake’s praises increased. He couldn’t keep his hands off me, and I’m ashamed to admit I loved being so adored. He worshipped my body, and I craved that attention.”Because it made me forget about you.
“But when he never complimented me about anything else, I worried that was all he cared about. My looks. I wanted to please him, and I tried, but after a while, it seemed everything was a veiled insult. Like if I wanted to talk about politics with him, he’d tell me I didn’t need to worry my pretty little head about it. He’d let me know who to vote for. After we broke up, I finally saw those comments for what they were. Which is another issue I have. Why had I stayed with him? I was an idiot for ever thinking I loved that man.” I sat up, wrapping my arms around bent legs. “It’s hard to hear those things about yourself. Especially once you actually believe them.”
Self-loathing burned my lungs.
I continued to tell Ty every painful, terrible thing Blake had ever said to me. Blake wielded dozens of axes from his mouth that hit my heart dead center. When I finished speaking, it was as if the air itself had recoiled, leaving my lungs burning. I swiped at my eyes and sniffled. “Ty? Say something.”
He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. “I didn’t know,” he said in agony. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? How did I not notice what a scumbag he is? If I ever see him again, I’ll kill him. I can’t believe he treated you that way. I’m so glad you didn’t marry that piece of sh—“
“Hey,” I cut him off. I placed my palm on his back. “He never belittled me in front of others. He perfected his persona of being the best boyfriend. Honestly, I didn’t even recognize his abuse until after we’d broken up. How dumb am I?”
Ty’s voice shook. “I am so sorry, Maren. If I’d known, I wouldneverhave introduced you to him. You know he lied to you, right?“ He looked at me, grabbing on to my hands tightly. “You’re none of those things. You have worth. You are needed. Wanted. Loved. Your pants size does not determine your beauty.” He tapped his heart. “That’s what makes you the person you are. Please don’t believe what he told you. It hurts me to hear you talk about yourself like that, because it’s absolutely not true.”
“Hmm,” I hummed, not agreeing or disagreeing with him.
“How have you been coping? Have you seen a therapist?”
I laughed bitterly. “I’m not coping as well as I hoped and no I haven’t seen a therapist.”
“Did James do anything like that?” he growled.
“No.”
He scooted so his back rested against his truck and pulled me to his side, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. “I am so sorry, Mare Bear. I will happily tell you every tiny thing about you that I admire.”
I lightly smacked his chest. “There’s no need for that.”
