Page 59 of Collateral Damage
She peers into the distance, unable to meet my eyes. “I’m a shitty person; I know that.” Her voice cracks and tears spring, slipping down the sides of her pale cheeks.
“You’re not a shitty person, no matter what decision you make.” She needs to know I’llneverthink that of her. “You’ve been through a lot. We all have. But we don’t need to go through any more big changes right now. I don’t think you want to do what you’re going to do.”
She finally looks at me. “I’ve been going to therapy,” she says. “It’s really helping. Mom got us all going. It was one of the conditions she set for Dad. He wants to stay together, and she’s giving their marriage another shot.”
My stomach clenches, and I sit on the edge of the bed, suddenly filled with the desire to move. Run. Get out of my own damn skin. “Of course he does.” My voice sounds bitter. Angry. “His mistress is dead, so it makes it easy for him to choose his wife. How very convenient.”
“Don’t do that,” she pleads, and I stop myself from saying more. “But… I think you guys should go to therapy, too. Grief is so hard to handle, and it’s been really nice to have an unbiased professional to talk to about everything.”
“My father doesn’t believe in therapists,” I reply bitterly. “He says they mess with your head and get into your business.”
When we returned to school, the college tried to set us up with grief counselors, but Dad forbade it. We could’ve gone anyway, but neither Ethan nor I had any desire to anger our father.
“That’s kind of the point.” She rolls her eyes. “Your head is already messed up, so why not let someone else in there to see if they can help?”
“Sign me up,” I deadpan.
She smiles and for a moment it feels like everything is going to be okay, but I knowokayis a very unlikely end to this situation.
“So what are you going to do, Syb?” I question, staring her dead in the eyes through this puny little screen.
“I’ve already made my decision. I know it’s the right thing, as hard as it is to let go sometimes.” She pauses, but only briefly. “I’m breaking up with Ethan.”
I have no words.
Part of me is elated she’ll be single, but that’s the fucked-up, shit-for-brains side to myself I won’t entertain. Most of me is heartbroken for my brother. This is going to wreck him.
“I really think you should hold off. It’s too soon to make a rash decision. Wait until Christmas break, after you’ve had time together again, and Ethan isn’t so focused on classes.”
We’re almost to the holidays. A few more weeks, and she can be with him in person. Mend things. Or end things. At least there will be more time for Ethan to get himself together. I’ll talk to him. Tell him he has to change or else she’s going to leave him. Make sure he does right by her.
She shakes her head. “Christmas is not going to change my mind. If anything, the holidays will make it more painful. I know this is heartbreaking. My heart is shattered too even though I’m the one doing the breaking, but I really feel this is the right decision for both me and Ethan. It’s necessary.”
“Why?” I demand. “Why the fuck would it be necessary?”
“Sometimes you have to break things before you can put them back together.”
I shake my head. “That sounds like some bullshit line your therapist fed you.”
She goes pink, but she also glares at me, and I know I’m right.
“If Ethan and I were strong enough to get through this, do you really believe you and I would’ve kissed?—”
“Stop,” I cut her off. “That was one mistake during your breakup, and we both moved on from it. You can’t count that against your many years of loving Ethan.”
She’s silent, and I wonder what she’s thinking. Did that kiss mean more than she let on? Does she think about it like I think about it?
“But it happened. It meant something. It didn’t mean you and I are meant to be together, but it meant that me and Ethan aren’t. I can’t keep pretending like Ethan and I are some perfect couple anymore.”
“It was one kiss,” I insist. “One time. One mistake. One stupid moment when you were at your lowest, and I was trying to make you feel better. It clearly didn’t meansomething,since you went back to Ethan the next fucking day. So don’t blame that and don’t blame me for your relationship not being perfect, because guess what? From the outside, it looks pretty fucking amazing to me.”
“I’m not blaming you. I’m blaming me. And I’m blaming Ethan for not showing up for me or even answering my calls.”
“He lost our mother,” I grind out. This one—this is the one that will finally get through to her. “He can’t lose you, too.”
She goes quiet for a long moment, hopefully considering my words, and I can’t help but wonder if Ethan would fight for his relationship the way I’m fighting for it.
“I get where you’re coming from, but Ethan’s already lost me. The longer I wait, the harder it’ll be. Ultimately, I need to choose my family right now. They don’t want me with Ethan anymore, but they’re willing to support me if he’s willing to love me.” She chokes on a sob, her anger transforming to deep sadness so fast it’s like whiplash. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think he does. I think it may have happened a long time ago, but it’s taken the last three months of hell for me to admit it to myself. Did he care when we canceled the October wedding? No. He only wanted thatwedding early for his mom, not for me, not for us. And now that everything has happened?—”
