Page 35 of The Viscount's Daring Cinderella
Beryl was enjoying her meal but listening attentively to the conversation until her thoughts wandered off. Apparently, Theodore had discussed marriage with his uncle. Perhaps, if he was considering it, even a tiny bit, he would look closer to home.
Hope sparked brightly inside her chest, and she prayed she was making the right choice in deciding to open up her heart to him.
CHAPTER 14
What Theodore felt for most of his life was resentment towards the restrictions associated with the viscountcy. He had felt it for his brother and was relieved that he was not the one to be groomed, molded, and sculpted to become the perfect heir. The life as lord of the manor, a wife and children belonged to William. It was never truly his life. He never wanted it. He could think of all the efforts his father made to reform his supposedly rakish ways. Theodore leaned into the freedom that was afforded him and led a life of leisure and pleasure. That was the life that suited him, and he was good at it. He would not simply marry because it was expected that once a man had a title, he should put the old ball and chain around his neck. Utter rubbish.
“I know you think I am still the misguided young man that father sent off to manage our smallest estate in Carlisle.”
His uncle nodded, smiling at the memory. “I recall your father was quite exasperated. Did he not give you an ultimatum to get your life together by either going into the clergy, or politics, or being cut off?”
Theodore chuckled. “I remember it well. It was not much of a choice. Can you imagine me being in the clergy?”
“With your lifestyle what it was, I must say no.”
Theodore paused as he remembered his father’s stern expression. “I had no interest in politics. It is far too boring.”
His uncle nodded. “It was William who protected you from the worst of it. Your brother truly loved you, and I think that deep down he admired your spirit.”
Theodore’s glass was halfway to his lips when he paused and rested it on the table. His hand stilled and he could feel Beryl’s eyes boring into him.
Theodore held his uncle’s gaze. “Whatever do you mean?”
“Your father was at the end of his rope, and he was losing his patience. It was William who suggested he give you the smaller estate to manage.”
The corner of Theodore’s lips lifted into a wry smile. “I should have known.”
His uncle smiled, a fond look entering his gaze. “William was always looking out for you. Perhaps he wished that sometimes he could throw caution to the wind and escape the confines of duty.”
Theodore’s heart squeezed. “You really do believe that?”
“I do. William also covered for you because you managed the estate but only just.”
The way Theodore managed, or more accurately failed to manage the smaller estate would not do now. Truth be told, he felt a bit ashamed that he did not make better use of that opportunity. Of course, he learned a few things but he did not apply himself. He could have learned so much more.
Theodore knew what his uncle thought of him. He was nothing but a wastrel heir who favored pleasure over responsibility, whose life did not have a semblance of purpose and meaning. His uncle had often thought to shame Theodorebecause of his carefree existence, but Theodore never let it deter him. He did not want an existence filled with the weight of obligation after obligation. There was more to life than this, and he would need to discover that for himself. He was the only one that could do this, not his uncle; and it would be on Theodore’s schedule. Sometimes he wondered why he resisted so much. His fate was more or less decided when his brother passed away.
Some would say he was a rich, spoiled lord who had never worked for anything. It had all been placed before him on a silver platter. Those who were being really nasty would say he should have been the one to die in the accident.Fuck them. Theodore did not think that he was unsalvageable. After all, he had not run off on another jaunt, and he was venturing out on the estate, managing its business as he fashioned life as the viscount.
“Look at the bright side, Uncle. At least I have shown an interest in crops, diversification, and yields. Rome was not built in a day. It will take time for me to adjust to a more domesticated lifestyle, to all of this.”
His uncle’s eyes creased with merriment. “I suppose you are right. Perhaps the next time I invite myself over you will tell me you have found a wife.
I doubt it, Uncle.Why would I be in a hurry to find a wife when I have Beryl and the girls? Men were keen to marry when they wanted to start a family. Theodore already had his nieces to care for, and, now that he had a governess that they were all pleased with, there was less of an impetus to marry. He suspected eventually he might wed. He wondered what kind of husband he would be. As soon as he had the errant thought, he dismissed it.
He did not need the complication and burden of a wife right now, nor did he want to imagine how his existence would change with marriage. He was trying to change his life, but he would not lie to himself. He was apprehensive about it, and sometimes hewas plagued with doubt. He was swimming against the current of expectations his uncle and society had for him. He had never though so much about being the best person that he could be, but what if his stint as lord of the manor did not work out? What if he failed at running the estate? What if in six months’ time he felt such wanderlust that it drove him to Bedlam. He wanted to do better, yet he was a bit skeptical about whether he had it in him. To be like William was such a contrast to everything he had done with his life thus far.
If he cocked it up but remained unattached, he could give in to the pull of travel and roam the continent for a few months. Perhaps France rather than Italy. He had made some friends there, and nobody did debauchery better that they did.
Theodore frowned. He should stop thinking about himself. He was no longer the most important person in his life. That place had been taken by Louise and Mattie, and he should be thinking more about what was best for them. They needed him and they needed stability. He must continue to focus on the things that matter such as building on the legacy that he inherited or, at the very least, ensure he did not lose it through his reckless behavior.
As if controlled by a force outside of himself, his gaze sought out Beryl and stayed on her. How lovely she looked tonight. A warm sensation turned over inside his chest, and he had the most visceral craving to simply sit with her by a fire to laugh and talk. Theodore swallowed tightly. It was only when Beryl came into his life that he realized that he was being egotistical and his singular interest had to go. Her assessment had been honest and direct and, to be fair, quite refreshing.
To his credit he had reflected on his self-centered behavior and how it affected the girls. He certainly did not want to harm them. He acknowledged that being on the continent in their timeof grief hurt them, and his focus must be on acknowledging that and do whatever he could to make things right.
It was not easy for him to concede this, but it was a step in the right direction. It was not nearly enough, and he would need to keep pushing himself. He thought of how happy they were when he passed by during their lessons, had a meal or played a game with them. It had cost him nothing more than sacrificing some of his time, and he got great pleasure from seeing their eyes shine.
He was not arrogant enough to believe that he was entitled to their forgiveness. He would first have to forgive himself and make proper amends. They should be able to rely on him, and it could not be on a whim. He needed to be consistent.
