Page 47 of The Viscount's Daring Cinderella
Mattie spun around and ran from the room with Louise following closely behind.
“She will return, Mattie. She will,” Theodore said to the empty room.
He rushed from the library to Beryl’s room and threw the door open. He stood at the door for a moment before he stepped over the threshold. He entered the room and closed the door behind him. Her room was tidy and the bed pristine, as always. He headed for the armoire and when he opened, he found her garments there. He raised his hand and touched his forehead. His relief was palpable. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, and he did not like the person that he saw staring back at him. He was a bit of a coward.
Theodore walked over to the bed and fell face down on the pillow, inhaling the scent of her perfume. Why was he so afraid at the thought of marrying her when he knew that he had developed an emotional attachment to her? When he knew that life without her felt dull and unbearable? Theodore sat bolt upright. He must find her. Perhaps she left a note for him. He stood up and went to her writing desk. The surface was empty,but when he pulled the drawer open, he found a letter addressed to him. He reached for it with trembling hands and tore it from the envelope. It was in her perfect penmanship, and Theodore poured over its contents again and again.
He had gone back to being Lord Bowden.
Dear Lord Bowden,
Further to our discussion, I shall return in a week’s time.
Sincerely,
Lady Beryl
Was that all she had to say? Those few words?
Damn it all to hell!
It was all his fault. When he called after her in the library, he should have insisted she stayed. He should have explained how he felt. He had never felt such a jolt to his system when he left any of his lovers. He had never missed any of them because he had never let any of them get close to him. He had never trusted and respected them nor opened his heart. He did not want to accept that he would never have her here anymore. He already longed for her smiles and conversation and everything else that existed between them.
They had already been living under the same roof for months. If, God forbid, she never returned, Theodore could imagine being without her for years to come. He had never before in his life felt the level of contentment he felt in this house with Beryl. And now, because he was unable to commit to her, he would lose her forever.
What the hell was he going to do if he was not able to find her?
CHAPTER 19
When Beryl arrived, the warmth of Basildon Estate greeted her, and she needed it, for she was weary from travel. Only the staff was present because everyone else was in town, but Beryl did not mind because she welcomed the solitude. When would she forget the pain and shame she felt standing in the library, holding the deed? It was as though the deed was the symbol of the foolish notion that she could be Theodore’s wife. It laid her dream to rest, and she had no one to blame but herself because he did not deceive her. Theodore never said he wanted a wife, and he had not even hinted at changing his mind.
Beryl was shown to a well-appointed bedroom, and shortly after, a bath was prepared for her. The maid had brought her a light supper which she ate in the bedroom before she sat by the window staring into the night. If she lived in a perfect world, men would not have all the power, she would not have been disinherited, she would have rights, and she would not need a husband to protect her. But this was not a perfect world. She had no means, no money, and that meant limited opportunities to improve her circumstances.
Everything had been going so well at Bowden Park. She had fallen in love with Theodore, and she could not stop it. If she was honest with herself, she had not tried. She loved and cared for the girls, and she dared to dream of marriage. Her mind whirled, and there was a hollow ache inside her chest when she understood it was not to be. Theodore had been unequivocal. There was nothing for them beyond an affair. She loved him, and this was a bond that could not be easily broken, for she was attached to him. Yet, she had to find a way to be free. She knew that she must, but that did not stop the brutal ache that she felt inside. The intensity caused her heart to squeeze, and a harsh sob escaped her.
A part of her wanted to tell him how she felt, but she did not dare. She was afraid to say how much he meant to her and lay her heart bare. Yet, she could not deny the feelings she held in her heart. It was clear her feelings were not reciprocated, and she was unsure if they would be met with derision. There was a place inside her that yearned for a family, and that place suffered a crack when she accepted there would be no future for them. Beryl did not realize that she had clenched her hands so firmly together until they started to ache.
Beryl supposed she knew what she needed to do all along, but it was difficult to accept it. It was no longer tenable for her to remain at Bowden Park. She went about her day trying not to think of Theodore, but it was impossible. The day dragged on and she finally decided to write to Flora.
My dearest Flora,
I was glad to receive your letter, and I know that I can always count on you. I am truly relieved to be at Basildon Estate, but my heart remains in turmoil. I am entirely conflicted about what would be best for me. On one hand, I am loath to leave Louise and Mattie becausethey already feel that they were abandoned by their parents and subsequently by their uncle. Theodore is much more considerate and thoughtful with the children, nevertheless they will be deeply hurt. They have lost so much already.
On the other hand, I do not see a way for me to remain at Bowden Park. It would be maddening and not best for my health. My heart will not heal when there is a constant reminder of my hopes and dreams that have been dashed. It will be far too painful. I had to plan my exit strategy, and it was not easy for me. Therefore, I have decided to complete the remainer of the year as governess, but I will not seek to stay on any longer. I will inform Theodore of my decision upon my return to Bowden Park. This will provide enough time for him to secure a replacement and for the girls to get accustomed and comfortable with the new governess. I hope this will make the transition much easier for them.
I will return at the end of the week and when I do, I will ensure that I maintain the professional barrier I so carelessly broke when I fell for Theodore.
Sincerely,
Beryl
Beryl wasunder his protection when he had rescued her from her vindictive cousins, but now he was the source of her pain. He was the one who hurt her, and he needed to put it right. Theodore had gone to see his uncle. He sought his uncle’s advice because he did not want to make a mistake that he would come to regret. They sat in his uncle’s library with a flask of brandy between them. He told his uncle what had transpired up to the point when Beryl left.
“A fine pickle I’ve gotten myself into.”
His uncle chuckled. “I saw the way you looked at her, and it was not as a governess. You could not hide it from me, young man. I have been around long enough to recognize there was something more there.”
“I suppose you are going to tell me what a fool I have been,” Theodore said.
