“They hide them in the trees. And in the monkey masks.”
She shook her head. “But…but… Why didn’t you tell me?!”
“Because everyone knows about that site. And you signed a release form. You even happily accepted money for your role.” I pointed to the envelope with $1200 in it.
“I thought that was a door prize! And the release was to get out of prison!” Ash was breathing so fast. “You can’t let them post that video! I’ll die!”
“Let me get this straight. Youdon’twant them to share that amazing footage with the world?” I didn’t understand what was happening. Starring in a Banana Party video was like…the coolest thing ever. “A second ago you thought it was so cool.”
“No!” she screamed. “How is my dad seeing me give a blowjob cool?!”
I laughed. She was really hung up on the whole daddy-watching thing. I was beginning to think she had some sort of fetish. “I mean…if he sees you in a Banana Party video and keeps watching, that’s kind of on him.”
Ash put her hand over her mouth. “Can you open the door? I need some fresh air.”
“Uh,” said Esme. “We’re like 30,000 feet in the air.”
“Good! That’s high enough to kill me if I jump out, right?”
“Definitely.”
“Whoa,” I said. I put my hand on her leg to make sure she didn’t jump out of the plane. “No need to kill yourself. I promise the footage turned out amazing. Your blowjob on that vampire stripper was so hot. The birthday girls, on the other hand…they probably look like complete idiots. They’ll never escape the shame of losing that Banana Race.”
“I’m not worried about looking hot!”
Really?“Then what’s the issue?” She was being so weird.
“She greedy,” said Slavanka. “She want porno all to self.”
“Ooooh. Well damn, why didn’t you say so? I do kind of like the idea of keeping the footage of our first girls’ night as a personal memento. And can you imagine how fun it’ll be to show it to guys?”
“Why on earth would I ever want a guy to see it?” asked Ash.
“Imagine if you were dating some guy, and on the third date they told you that they were like…some sort of European royalty. You’d be so excited.”
“I guess?”
“And that’s exactly how a guy will feel when you show them this tape. They’d be like,wow, I officially have the hottest girlfriend ever.And then they’ll tell all their friends, and their friends will be super jealous.”
“Yeah, no,” said Ash. “That’s 100% not how it would go. Can you please just make the tape go away forever?”
“Yeah, let me call Daddy. I’m sure he can help.”
I pulled out my phone and dialed Daddy.
He answered on the second ring.
“Hi, princess,” he said. “Is everything okay? Why are you calling so early in the morning?”
“I need your help.”
“Anything.”
“Well…me and my new roommate starred in a Banana Party video last night.”
“That’s amazing! Congrats! I bet you were such a star.”
“I totally was. But my friend is feeling a little shy about her performance. So she was hoping you could buy the footage.”