Page 55 of Retrograde
‘Fuck,’ he breathed out. ‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t apologise. Are you okay?’
‘I think so.’ His breathing was still heavy.
Lucie got him a cold flannel from his en-suite and perched on the edge of the bed handing it to him. ‘You want to talk about it?’
‘Do I have much choice?’
‘Well, I’m not leaving this room either way.’
‘Okay.’ He swallowed harshly, preparing himself. ‘I’ve been having dreams about my dad’s death again. Like the ones I had at the very beginning. Of the exact moment he took his life. I see it. Every detail. And I know it’s not real, I know it’s my imagination because I wasn’t there, I didn’t witness it, but I found him. I saw the aftermath, and it was gruesome. And every time I wake up… fuck, I–’
When he took a while to speak again, chest still heaving as he struggled to find the words, Lucie gently coaxed it out of him. ‘I promise whatever you say, I won’t judge.’
Brett kept his gaze fixed on his bedsheets, but he squeezed her hand in response.
‘I hate him. I hate him for leaving us, and I know that’s shitty. He wasn’t well, he needed help he wasn’t getting. But I neededhim. We all did.’
‘It’s not shitty. He took something from you, Brett. You’re allowed to feel angry, and hurt. You’re also allowed to miss him and remember what an incredible dad he was to you.’
‘Not only do I feel like I’m becoming him the more I spiral, but I also feel like I’m replacing him.’
Lucie knew what he was getting at without him needing to expand. She had seen the way he’d acted at dinner, the way he’d shut down. She had seen him watching her interactions with Mateo. She’d heard the panic in his voice when he’d turned down the invitation to a game of Monopoly. She wasn’t stupid.
‘You’re not. At all. Nobody will ever replace your dad, and nobody wants to. Mateo loves you like a son, but he would never dream of trying to replace him. He just wants to support you, be your friend and make sure you have someone you can rely on. He’s raised four children of his own, it’s in his blood.’
‘I guess I hadn’t thought of it like that. Mateo probably would’ve treated me the same even if my dad was still around. It’s just who he is.’
‘Exactly. And as for your dad? I bet he’d be over the moon to know you have someone like that in your life, supporting you in the ways he can’t. Family comes in different forms; we both know that better than most.’
Even though he looked slightly relieved and less at war with himself, nothing she said could make this any better for him. She couldn’t take the pain away. All she could do, all she knew how to do, was just be there. So, she crawled into bed next to him and held him all night, wishing she had the ability to heal his broken heart.
22
Things were supposed to be different now. Now that there was a spare bedroom, Lucie was supposed to be sleeping in her own bed, and waking up alone. And yet here she was on the very first morning, waking up in Brett’s arms. Or rather, he was waking up in hers. She genuinely hadn’t meant to fall asleep in here, and she was annoyed with herself for doing so.
Lucie knew she needed to re-establish boundaries. Brett would tell her there was no need, but if she was going to stay sane and he was going to stay focused, they needed to learn to keep their distance and not give in to old temptations.
She stretched out across her side of the bed. This was by far one of the most comfortable beds she’d slept in for years and it made her long for a future where she’d return to the same comfortable bed every day.
Lucie had been travelling for ten years now; when she wasn’t travelling for work, it was for pleasure. She must have slept in over a thousand beds by now, and none of them quite measured up to this one. Being here felt right. It felt like home.
She looked over at Brett. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders even in his sleep, and she was reminded that she would go to the endsof the earth for him. It was like she and Brett sleeping together that one time had meant she’d automatically signed herself up for a lifetime of loneliness.
Most men she’d tried to date had seen the way she interacted with him, and immediately backed off. Even other drivers steered clear. The ones who had stuck around, who hadn’t ditched her for the next best thing, she’d ended things with before they reached a third or fourth date. She found something wrong with each of them, even the tiniest things. The silliest reasons it could never work. It was as if she was just looking for excuses to stay single, and to continue pining after someone she couldn’t have.
Fighting the stinging in her eyes, Lucie threw her legs over the side of the bed and let her feet sink into the rug. If there was one thing her mum was good at, it was finding luxurious rugs that felt like clouds to bare feet.
Lucie sometimes worried she’d been reckless by going down this path. She had no security, nothing to fall back on, very few savings and no permanent roof over her head. It was part of the reason she had been so keen to help launch Girls Off Track: a second source of income was always going to be beneficial. She felt like something was missing, but she wasn’t quite sure what, until now.
The morning sun was shining through the bathroom window, herownbathroom, as she showered, attempting to wash away her intrusive thoughts. Her parents were already heading to Florence to choose tiles for the master bathroom, and she wanted to crack on with some work before Brett woke up.
It was his first full day here, and while she knew it was important for him to keep busy and have a focus, she also wanted him to ease into it. Lucie’s mission today was to paint the living room walls, she didn’t need help for that. For all she cared, he could stay in the vegetable garden all day and help Rosa with dinner. Lucie, in all honesty, could do with being left to her own devices without Brett hanging around her, shirtless, getting in her personal space.
Brett looked at his reflection in the mirror, wincing when he saw how puffy his face was. There were pillow creases embedded on his cheek and he vaguely remembered that he’d cried himself to sleep. He felt so defeated that he didn’t even have the energy to be embarrassed about it.
By the time he’d returned from his morning run around the perimeter of the property and showered off the sweat that would just build up again throughout the day, he was ready to tackle whatever job Lucie was doing. He fired off a text to Jasper, assuring him that he had scheduled his first therapy session. He’d decided to decline the offer of the team psychologist because he wanted a fresh start with someone who didn’t already know him personally.
