Page 64 of Retrograde
‘I did my fair share, staying out until dawn, ended up in the back of a cop car a couple times when I was much younger.’
‘Mum!’ he scolded. ‘I never knew that about you.’
‘Well, it’s part of my history with your dad. And the trouble is, until very recently I couldn’t stand to talk about the good times we shared because it only made me miss him more.’
‘I get it. I don’t talk about him much, either. Think about him a lot though.’
‘Oh, I think about him every day. I look at you kids, and all the memories come flooding back. He loved you all so much, his family was his world. He loved spending time with you, watching you excel in your career, taking you and Piper camping, going to soft play with Cleo. You were all the apple of his eye.’
‘And then he left us.’ He felt guilty as soon as the words left his mouth. It was one thing to let Lucie know he was bitter about his dad’s death, but to tell his wife? The love of his life, mother of his kids? He didn’t want to be selfish. But at the same time, he needed her to hear it.
‘Your dad had a lot of demons, honey. He wasn’t well for a long time, and he fought it as long as he could. I was so angry with him for leaving us like that, but I also understood why he did it. Eventually I was able to feel relieved. For him. Relieved that he wasn’t suffering any more, that he could be at peace. It was so hard seeing him in pain, shutting himself away all day when you kids were at school and trying to pull himself together by the time you got home. He was a shell of himself in his final days. He did the therapy, he took the medication, he tried to be strong for us.’
‘We just weren’t enough.’
‘Brett.’ Maggie put her drink down and sat up, scooting across to sit on Brett’s chair next to him. ‘He loved you so much. It would break his heart to know you felt like that, and I can guarantee you that he didn’t take his decision lightly when he did what he did.’
‘I’m scared I’ll turn out to be just like him. I don’t want to lose sight of myself, I don’t want to drown in my own sorrow.’ He choked back a sob.
‘Sweetheart, you’re here in Italy. Taking a break. You’re getting the help, doing all the right things. You’ve got the support system. But most importantly, you’re your own person. You’re not your dad. Yes, you’re struggling. But this is just part of your journey, not the whole journey.’
‘I love you, Mum.’
‘I love you, too. And I think your dad would be incredibly proud of the man you’re becoming.’
On his way to his and Lucie’s side of the house, Brett stopped in the kitchen to grab a bag of her favourite sweet and salted popcorn with a packet of peanut M&Ms to pour into it. He fully intended on cuddling up and watching a film, but he wasn’t going to complain if they continued where they’d left off the other day, only this time in a more comfortable location. He wasn’t sure what all of this meant to her, but to him, it was everything.
He was playing a dangerous game and he was going to get burnt in the end, but right now, he would take whatever she was willing to give. It would be worth it in the end just to be able to say he knew what it was like to have even half of her.
He knocked on the door. ‘Sunny?’
‘Hey!’ Lucie shot up from her cosy spot under the covers and immediately came to him, wrapping her arms around him. They ignored the fact that she almost got walloped in the head by the bags of sweets and revelled in the warmth of their hug.
‘It went well, it was needed and I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.’
She pulled back and her gaze softened. Every time she looked at him like that, it made him weak. Something about Lucie seemed to heal his inner child. In fact, everything about today had done exactly that.
‘She told me Dad would be proud.’
Lucie smiled up at him, capturing his face in her hands. ‘She’s right. AndI’mproud. This was a huge step in the healing process, Brett.’
Brett hesitated only for a moment before leaning down and placing his lips on hers, in a kiss so gentle that he hoped she felt the meaning behind it. He had an incredibly supportive family around him, but Lucie had always been different. Because Lucie didn’thaveto stick by him, she had no obligation. She had chosen him, and she continued to choose him every day.
‘I got ya something,’ he murmured against her lips and rustled the packaging.
‘My favourite,’ she smiled. ‘Thank you. I’ve shortlisted a selection of musicals for you to choose from, but I figuredMamma Mia!would be the winner, so it’s ready to go.’
‘Am I allowed to sing?’
‘Yes.’
‘Stick it on, then.’
He smiled to himself as she rushed to put her phone on ‘do not disturb’ so she didn’t have to deal with any work calls or notifications for the evening. As she pulled the covers back for him to get in, his eyes darted from the lock on the door to her, in her oversized tee and underwear. ‘You can lock it.’
As they settled in to watch the film, legs intertwined under the sheets, the popcorn was discarded by the time Bill rocked up on his boat.
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