Page 73 of Retrograde
Brett and Julien sat on the roof two hours later, each drinking a bottle of water at an alarming speed. It was boiling out there, and although he was Australian and he was used to the heat, he didn’t spend any time outside doing manual labour. This was hell.
They’d refused to let Mateo help, because it didn’t seem fair to expect a guy in his sixties to climb ladders and fix a dodgy roof when there were two more than capable athletes here to help him out. Instead, he was sunbathing by the pool with fresh homemade lemonadeand a fruit platter while Rosa lay next to him, sipping her iced tea and reading a crime thriller Brett had recommended to her.
‘Do you still miss your dad?’ Brett blurted out and instantly regretted it. Now Julien was going to want to talk about Jack, when Brett had simply wanted an answer to a question that had been on his mind for weeks.
‘All the time. And Kailani.’ He referred to his late wife. ‘But I know they’re here with me in every decision I make, everything I accomplish. I’m not religious at all, I just find that believing in that idea makes it easier to cope with the loss.’
Brett sipped the remainder of his water, contemplating, the sun beating down on his face, causing him to squint as he looked up at the blue, cloudless sky. ‘Yeah, it’s a nice idea, isn’t it? That they never really left us.’
‘Well, the people we love are a huge part of who we are. They shape us and help us grow when they’re here physically, so why can’t they do the same when they’re gone?’ Julien shrugged, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
‘I’m lucky to have Mateo, I think,’ Brett muttered. ‘I got pretty upset a few weeks back that I was replacing Dad with him, but spending time with him one-on-one I’ve just come to appreciate him in such a different light.’
‘You know what I appreciate about Mr Carolan? His killer classic car collection.’ Julien gestured out over the courtyard, where a few of the cars were parked, sunlight gleaming off the paintwork. ‘I’m definitely having a proper collection of my own when I retire.’
‘It’s impressive, I’ll give him that.’
‘I thought about getting Jasmine a classic for when she starts driving, but then I think I should be a sensible parent and get her something super safe. Like a Ford. The car is just as reliable as her pet husky.’
‘Moretz, come on, mate. The kid’s dad is a racing driver. She’d never forgive you if you didn’t get her something kind of cool. At least get her a G-Wagon or a new Jeep. Isn’t that what all the kids on Oahu are driving?’
He scoffed. ‘The rich kids, yeah.’
‘And she is …’
‘Raised to be very down to Earth. She already gets to fly all over the world to attend races, I don’t want to push it too far.’
‘She also doesn’t ask for anything. Ever. I told her to text me a Christmas list last year and she asked me to donate to an animal shelter on Maui. She’s a good kid, Jules. One expensive gift isn’t going to turn her into a spoiled brat.’
‘When are you going to tell Luce you’re in love with her?’ Julien fired back. He hated it when Brett had valid points, especially when it came to Jasmine. His standard response was to call the other person out. But this time, Brett stared at him like he’d lost his mind.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Brett’s cheeks flushed and he, unfortunately for his dignity, couldn’t blame it on the scorching temperature.
‘I don’t understand it, Anderson.’
Brett finished up his bottle of water and startedclimbing down the ladder. If Julien didn’t stop talking, he might push him off the roof. ‘I still don’t know what you’re talking about.’
Julien followed him down. ‘It’s been over two years and I still don’t know how it took me months to come to my senses with Faith. One look and I was a goner. You and Lucie are going on tenyearsof stolen glances and chemistry, and now you’re sleeping together, and you still won’t admit it.’
It felt like the world was closing in on him. Thinking back to his first private interaction with Lucie, on the steps outside his trailer, mid-anxiety attack, Brett came to the hideous conclusion that his teammate might have hit the nail on the head. Unleashed years’ worth of pent-up emotion with one sentence.
Maybe it wasn’t one look that did it for him. But he couldn’t deny that when she’d sat down next to him and pressed play on that song, he’d felt something wash over him. A sense of comfort, belonging. Perhaps, all this time, it had been something else.
Brett hadn’t been in love with Sienna. He’d been in love with the idea of her. With Lucie, there was no hidden part of her. He knew her as well as he knew himself, and he wouldn’t change one single thing about her. She was perfect as she was. Now and back then.
It was just Brett who was flawed. Brett who had built himself a reputation. Brett who had scarred her with his own troubles, who had been relying on her to pick up the pieces and put him back together again. He hadn’t treated her right. He’d been selfish and demanding, he took toomuch from her without knowing what she needed him to give back. What if his own demons brought Lucie down with him? He didn’t need to do that to his ray of sunshine, she didn’t deserve the constant worry that was attached to him.
‘I’m screwed,’ Brett breathed out.
Julien rolled his eyes. ‘Of course you’re not.’ He sat down next to Brett on the dusty ground, neither of them caring about the state their clothes would be in. ‘Can I give you some advice, Anderson?’
‘Whether I want your advice or not, it never seems to stop you.’ Brett tried to laugh so it didn’t come out as blunt, but he couldn’t manage it.
‘I know I don’t really talk about Kailani any more, but I’m going to because you need to hear it. I wish I’d told her I loved her more often. I was so focused on my career, on getting into the IEC and securing a drive, that I let our relationship take a back seat. We weren’t in a good place when she passed, and I regret it every day. I loved her fiercely, and I felt it in every fibre of my being, I just didn’t express it. I often wonder if she spent her final days thinking that I didn’t love her, because honestly, I don’t think I said it aloud once in the six months before she passed.’ Julien shifted uncomfortably, hating emotional talks as much as Brett did. ‘I’m a strong believer in saying how you feel. Faith had to really force that side of me to come out, but it did. I can get behind the wheel every race safe in the knowledge that if something were to happen, my wife and daughter know I love them.’
‘Okay, but Sunny and I aren’t in a relationship.’ Brett played with his shoelace, like a child being told off. Julien was in dad mode again.
‘You even call her Sunny. You have a nickname for hernobodyelse uses.’ Julien laughed at his naïvety. ‘Whether you like it or not, from the moment you crossed the line on that hiking trip, things shifted and you two went to a point of no return. Your friendship became more, you were acknowledging that there’s something between you. De Luca and I sure as hell never felt that kind of connection with her.’
