Page 74 of Retrograde
‘Well, no, that’s because Marco is scared of women.’ Brett breathed a laugh at their teammate’s misfortune. ‘But I don’t know if Lucie will ever trust that I won’t hurt her. I’ve always done what I want, when I want.’
‘There is always a period of change and learning when you enter into a relationship, though. It took Faith and me a while to adapt to each other’s lifestyles. What exactly will change between you if you tell her how you feel?’ Julien challenged.
‘She’ll realise that life is so much bigger than just being with me.’
29
Brett was stressed. He’d stayed up nearly all night on the racing simulator, refusing to go to bed when Julien had come in at two a.m. and tried to convince him. He needed a therapy session, so he had woken up and immediately contacted his therapist, who had booked him in before Rosa could even get breakfast on the table.
He was starting to love therapy, starting to love the man he was becoming. But what he hadn’t told his therapist was the fact he was sleeping with his best friend. Correction: he was making love to his best friend. Because he was in love with her.
‘So why do you think you might have kept that a secret? We’re honest and open with each other, right?’ his therapist, Liz, asked.
‘I wasn’t ready to talk about it,’ he admitted. ‘Not only that, but I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was falling for someone I can’t have.’
‘And why can’t you have her? Who says you can’t?’
‘Well… nobody, really. Just common sense. History.’
‘History?’ Liz quizzed, but her facial expression remained neutral.
‘My history. I sleep with women like it’s a hobby. Lucie doesn’t want a guy like that. She’s been with guys like that in the past and they’ve only ever hurt her.’
‘Are you still that guy, though? Because having had the pleasure of getting to know you over the last couple of months, I think you have evolved into someone very different. And who’s to say you’re going to hurt her?’
‘Again… history.’ He rubbed his eyes, wishing he’d saved this for later in the day.
‘But that’s just it, Brett. It’s history. It’s not the present, and it doesn’t have to be the future. You’ve been hurt, too. Do you think Lucie is anything like Sienna?’
‘No way.’ He shook his head.
‘Exactly. So I think you’ve got to give yourself a bit more credit here. The two of you have a very special relationship, and if you’ve crossed that boundary multiple times then I think it’s safe to say there could be more to it. There’s no harm in just having the conversation with her. If you’re as close as you say, even if she doesn’t feel the same way about you, things will likely go back to the way they were before with time, if not immediately. Either way, at least you’ll have told your truth.’
‘I guess it’s just a case of working up the courage.’ He tried to push down the fear, but ultimately he knew Liz was right. It was time to talk to Lucie.
‘I want you to do something for me. I want you to write letters to your dad, Sienna and Lucie. If you wanted to, you could even read your letter to Lucie aloud. But afterwards, I want you to burn them. Get out everything you need to say, the hurt, anger, guilt and grief. Then let it all go. Can you do that?’
‘I’m going to go and do it right now before everyonewakes up,’ he nodded with a hint of enthusiasm. This was good for him. It was a necessary step.
He shut his laptop down and hunted for a pen and paper, ready to pour his heart out to the two people who had broken him, and the one who had put him back together again. He had been giving his past so much power over him, over every decision he made. He’d used it as an excuse time and time again. There had been no personal growth for years, he had just let things pile up until he had become a person he couldn’t stand.
This summer, this trip, had changed him. He was ready for his next chapter, and as his pain flowed out onto the page, he could feel a weight lifting from his shoulders. He sat there for two hours, bypassing breakfast and his morning workout, and by the time he finally put down the pen, he’d made a decision. It was time.
‘Sunny?’ He found Lucie down by the wild horses, feeding them apples from Rosa’s garden. She looked radiant in the mid-morning sun, wearing a lime-green dress, her hair in a claw clip and a soft smile on her face as one of the horses nuzzled her hand.
‘Oh, morning!’ She turned to look at him. ‘You’re finally awake.’
‘I’ve been awake for hours. I did a therapy session.’ He shoved his hands in his pockets.
‘How did it go?’ She tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear, now only half-paying attention to the horse. ‘Productive?’
‘You could say that.’
‘I’m really proud of you, Anderson. I mean it.’
‘That means the world coming from you, Luce.’
‘You want to do something fun today? Go on an adventure somewhere?’
