Page 75 of Retrograde
‘I, uh… maybe,’ he stuttered. ‘You might not want to.’
‘Are you okay?’ she frowned, and the reality of what he was about to do dawned on him.
‘I love you, Sunny.’
‘I know you do. You tell me all the time. And I love you too, Anderson.’ She still looked confused, and it pained him more that she wasn’t getting it.
‘No, Sunny. I’minlove with you. I have been in love with you for years now, I was just too blind to realise it and then too scared to tell you.’
‘Shit.’ She let out a shaky breath and he instantly felt ten times more nauseous than he had since he’d started walking down the hill towards her.
‘Right, uh, not the reaction I expected.’ He tried to laugh it off.
‘Sorry, I just… um, I don’t really know what to say. You’ve not exactly exhibited the behaviour of a guy who’s in love. What with all the other women and such. And going back to Sienna that time. I’m not sure you actually feel the way you think you do, Brett.’
‘Okay. So, that’s it then? Cool. Um, I’m gonna get out of your hair.’
‘Anderson, please. I didn’t mean…’
‘No, it’s fine, Luce. I’ve done this to myself.’
Brett didn’t have it in him to argue. He didn’t have itin him to fight. He’d spent all summer fighting his feelings, his past, his mental health. The fight for Lucie was over. She didn’t want him, and he wasn’t going to beg her to see him in a different light.
He was already packing his suitcase by the time she reached his bedroom. Their bedroom. The space they’d shared since they’d arrived, her things tossed everywhere. Her bracelet was on his dresser, her sports bra flung over the back of the chair, her hairbrush in his bathroom. Their lives were integrated too deeply, and it was about time he drew a line down the middle. Lucie had made her choice. It was never going to be him.
‘Brett?’ She stood in the doorway trembling.Fuck. He wished he didn’t love her so much. So deeply, in so many ways.
He went to her, closing the distance and wrapping her up in a hug so tight it was almost a guarantee that it would be their last. At least for a while. Until they’d had some space and learned to live without each other. ‘I need to go back to Sydney.’
‘What?!’ She pulled back. ‘Please, don’t go.’
‘Lucie, we need to put some distance between us.’
‘I don’t understand where this is coming from,’ she sniffled. ‘This whole thing between us was just you using me, wasn’t it?’
‘Lucie, I never needed you. Not like this. Iwantedyou. That’s why I crossed the line, why I risked it all. You’re my best friend, Sunny. It was aboutyou.’
‘So, you weren’t using my body as a form of therapy?’ She looked up at him with her doe eyes and his heartbroke into a million little pieces. How could he let her think that? He was fucked. His reputation was fucked.
‘No, Sunny. Absolutely not. Fuck, you’re the last person who should be helping me. The guilt of what I’ve put you through has been eating me alive. You know how hard it is to realise I’ve hit rock bottom in front of the girl I’ve been in love with for ten years? I’ve lost your trust, whether you can admit that to me or not, and I know that despite how much you want to, you’ll never see me as someone you can love with your whole heart. I’ve ruined it, Luce.’
‘No, you haven’t, this is all my fault, Brett, please,’ she pleaded.
‘You and I are never going to get any further than this weird limbo we’ve been in the whole summer. I’ve got to move on and remember how to be Brett without Lucie.’
‘But there’s no me withoutyou, Brett.’
‘That’s the whole problem, Sunny. I don’t want to go, but I have to. For me, for you, for us.’ He watched as her face crumpled.
There was no hiding from it. She wasn’t ready to acknowledge the shift in their relationship. She couldn’t trust that Brett could keep himself on track and be hers and only hers.
He threw a last couple of things into his case, not caring if he left anything behind. He just needed to get out of here and get on a plane, no matter how much his heart was telling him to stay here with her.
‘Brett, you can’t do this. We need to figure this out,’ she sobbed. ‘What about work?’
He took a deep breath, gripping the handle of his suitcase roughly. He didn’t want to say the next sentence, but he meant it. With every fibre of his being, he knew this was the truth. ‘If moving on from this means driving for a different championship, then so be it.’
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