Page 20 of Unholy Confessions
She picks up my notebook and flips through the pages, her eyes widening as she reads. "RJ, these are incredible. How many did you write?"
"Three," I say, and I can hear the excitement in my own voice. I feel amazing, like I could conquer the world. The songs are good – really good – and ideas for more are already forming in my head. "I think they might be some of the best I've ever written."
"They are," she agrees, but there's something in her tone that makes me look at her more carefully. "Babe, are you okay? You seem... I don't know. Wired."
Shit. I need to calm down, need to act normal. The last thing I want is for Montgomery to worry about me. She's been through enough with my mental health struggles over the years. With her dad, and his addiction problems.
"I'm fine," I say, forcing myself to speak slower, to modulate my tone. "Just excited about the songs. You know how I get when the music is flowing."
She studies my face for a moment, and I try to look casual, relaxed. "When's the last time you slept? Really slept?"
"I sleep," I lie. "Maybe not as much as I should, but I sleep."
"RJ..." Her voice is gentle but firm. "Talk to me. What's going on?"
For a moment, I consider telling her the truth. About the sleepless nights, about the way my medication doesn't seem to be working anymore, about the extra pill I took. But then I look at her face, at the concern already etched there, and I can't do it. She has enough to worry about with her own career taking off. She doesn't need to add my problems to her list.
"I'm fine, babe," I say again, leaning over to kiss her forehead. "Really. Just had a burst of creativity. It happens sometimes. You know that."
She doesn't look entirely convinced, but she doesn't push it either. Instead, she curls up against my side and reads through the songs again.
"This one about me," she says softly, pointing to the third song. "It's beautiful."
"You inspire me," I tell her, which is absolutely true. Dropping a kiss to her forehead, I smile. "You always have."
"I love you," she says, echoing her words from last night.
"I love you too."
But even as I say it, even as I hold her close and try to act normal, I can feel the extra Adderall coursing through my system. My heart is beating a little too fast, my thoughts are a little too sharp, and underneath the euphoria of the productive night, there's a small voice in my head warning me I shouldn't have done that. That it's a slippery slope.
I ignore the voice. I wrote three incredible songs in one night. My mind is clear and focused for the first time in months. How can that be a bad thing?
"Are you hungry?" Montgomery asks. "We could order room service."
"Sure," I say, but the thought of food makes my stomach turn slightly. Another side effect I remember from when I first started taking Adderall as a teenager. Guess because I just upped the dose, it's going to do the same thing again. "You order whatever you want. I'm not really hungry."
She gives me another look, but picks up the phone to call room service. While she's ordering, I flip through my notebook, reading over the songs I wrote. They really are good – maybe the best work I've ever done. And if taking an extra pill helped me access this level of creativity, then maybe it's worth exploring.
Just occasionally. Just when I really need the extra focus.
What could go wrong?
Chapter 10
Montgomery (Age 21)
"I can't believe I have to go back home tomorrow," I pout as I wrap my arms around RJ's neck and hold on tight.
He drops a kiss to my forehead. "I know, but you at least get to see the show tonight."
I grin as I look up at him. "At least I get to see you put on a show tonight. It's my favorite thing, Rhett. Seeing you up onstage, and then when you look out at me when I'm in the crowd? Hottest thing ever."
He hooks his arms tighter around my waist. "Then I'll have to work extra-hard in being hotter for you, huh?"
"Guess so," I lean up on my tiptoes and kiss him on the side of the neck. "I'm going to get my nails done with Lauren," I mention Grey Skies co-manager. She and I were in dance together when we were kids, and we've been really friends ever since, even though she's EJ's age.
"Have fun with her." He taps my ass with the palm of his hand. "I'll see you later?"
