Page 31 of Unholy Confessions
"Because you look sad, man. And I know that look. It's the same one you had when your mom was going through her cancer scare sophomore year." He leans forward, elbows on his knees. "Plus, you've been texting me more in the past few weeks than you have in months. Something's up."
I strum a few random chords, buying time. But sitting here, in this space where I've always felt safe and not judged, the words start spilling out before I can stop them. I need to get them out, not only because he asked, but because I need to get this shit off my chest. It's tight and uncomfortable.
"I've been taking extra pills," I say quietly, shame causes my face to burn. "The Adderall. Just... a couple extra a day. Maybe three or four sometimes."
Micah doesn't say anything right away, which I appreciate. He's not the type to jump in with immediate judgment or advice. It's probably why I'm telling him.
"How long?" he finally asks.
"Month and a half, maybe two months. It started when tour got crazy, and I needed to stay focused. But now..." I set my guitar down and run my hands through my hair. "Now I'm saying things to Montgomery that I don't mean. I'm picking fights with her over nothing. And I can't seem to stop."
It feels good to say it out loud. Like some of the pressure that's been building in my chest finally has somewhere to go. But even as relief washes over me, I'm hit with a new realization that makes my stomach drop.
If I'm admitting this to someone, that means I know it's a problem. And if I know it's a problem but I still couldn't throw those pills away this morning...
"RJ." Micah's voice is serious now. "You need to be careful, man. That shit doesn't mess around. It won't take long to get completely addicted if you're not already walking that line."
The words hang in the air between us, and I feel cold settle in my gut.
"I need to use the bathroom," I say, standing up too quickly.
"Down the hall, you know where it is."
I make my way to the small bathroom at the back of the studio, flipping on the harsh fluorescent light. When I look at myself in the mirror, I barely recognize the person staring back at me. My eyes are too bright, too intense. There are dark circles underneath them that I've been telling myself are just from touring, but now I'm not so sure. My jaw is clenched even though I'm not trying to clench it.
I grip the edges of the sink and force myself to really look. To see what Micah sees. What Montgomery probably sees, but doesn't realize what it is.
Am I already there?
The question echoes in my mind as I stare at my reflection, and for the first time in weeks, I don't like the answer I'm afraid of finding.
Chapter 16
Montgomery
I'm running late, which I fucking hate. It's a pride thing, being on time. I can remember when I was younger and my dad was having a relapse, before anyone really knew, he would make me late for everything. The shame of walking into class an hour late, trying to tell them that I'd been ready, but I was trying to get him up, while Mom was out of the house working with Hannah.
It still affects me, to this day. I love my dad, that will never change, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forget those dark times. He's apologized and we've moved past it. However, there are moments in life where those memories come barreling back like a train.
Glancing down at the clock on my dashboard, anxiety tightens my chest. I'm already five minutes late, and it'll take me about fifteen to get there. Slapping my thumb against the button on my steering wheel that'll ask me for a voice command, I wait impatiently.
"Call Hayden."
Even saying those words make me feel as if I'm doing something wrong, as if it's directly cheating on RJ.
"Hey, where are you?" He asks before I can even say anything.
It puts me off. Hardly anyone talks to me that way, even RJ. "Excuse you, I'm running late. I'll be there in about twenty minutes. I was just calling to let you know."
"Sorry, I was worried that something may have happened to you. You're typically not late."
Inhaling deeply, I count to ten in my head. "It's okay, I know. Today's been a bit of a clusterfuck, but I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Alright, I'll let everyone know."
It takes everything I have to be polite after the stress of the argument with RJ, and him giving me attitude. "Thank you."
When the line hangs up, I let out a scream, and hope I can get through this meeting.
