Page 8 of Unholy Confessions
I rest my forehead on my knees, trying to process everything he's saying. "Are you disappointed in me?"
"What?" The shock in his voice makes me look up.
"Are you disappointed? That your son is some kind of mental case who gets in underground fights and can't even handle going to high school?"
Dad's face crumples, and for a second I think he might actually start crying. "RJ, no. God, no. I'm disappointed in myself."
"What?"
"I've been so caught up in work, in the tour, in everything else that I completely missed that my son was struggling. I failed you. I should have seen the signs, should have been paying better attention." He shakes his head. "You're not a disappointment, son. I am."
"Dad, that's not?—"
"It is." He leans forward again. "When's the last time we spent time together? Just you and me? When's the last time I asked you how you were doing and actually listened to the answer?"
I think about it, and the realization is like a knife to the chest. "I don't remember."
"Exactly. I've been so focused on EJ and his band, so proud of what he's accomplishing, that I forgot I have another son who might need me too."
"But EJ's doing something with his life. He's following in your footsteps, he's talented, he's?—"
"He's not you." Dad's voice is quiet but intense. "RJ, do you have any idea how proud I am of you?"
"For what? Getting in fights? Failing chemistry? Being the family fuck-up?"
"For being who you are. You're a lot like your mother, and I love her more than anything in this world. You put yourself at risk to keep others from having to deal with your rage. Fighting the way you are? At least you're fighting people who want to fight with you." Dad's eyes are definitely watery now. "Do you know what Montgomery told her dad about you this morning?"
I shake my head, not sure I want to hear this.
"She told him that you're the best person she knows. That you're always there for her, that you make her feel safe, that you put everyone else's needs before your own. She's worried sick about you, son. Not because she thinks you're broken or disappointing, but because she loves you and she can see that you're in pain."
The mention of Montgomery makes my chest tighten. "She ratted on me."
"She saved you," Dad corrects. "Do you think it was easy for her to tell her dad about the fighting? Do you think she wanted to risk your friendship? She did it because she was scared she was going to lose you."
I think about last night, about the kiss, about the way she looked at me like I was something precious. And then I think about how she must have felt, carrying the weight of my problems, watching me destroy myself and not knowing how to help.
"I'm such an asshole," I whisper.
"You're a teenager with a possibly untreated mental illness," Dad says. "There's a difference."
We sit in silence for a moment, and I try to wrap my head around everything he's told me. Depression. Anxiety. Treatment. It all sounds so clinical, so serious.
"What happens now?" I ask finally.
"Now we get you help. We'll take you to your doctor. We'll figure out what you need to start feeling better."
"What if it doesn't work? What if I'm just... like this?"
"Then we'll try something else. And if that doesn't work, we'll try something else after that. We don't give up, RJ. Not on you. Not ever."
The emotion in his voice breaks something open in my chest, and suddenly I can't hold it back anymore. The tears I've been swallowing for months start pouring out, and once they start, I can't stop them.
"I don't know what's happening to me," I sob, the words coming out in a rush. "I just want to be the son you love, the brother EJ wants to be around, the guy Montgomery can count on. I want to be a good student and not be fighting all the time. I want to feel normal again, but I don't even remember what normal feels like anymore."
Dad is off the chair and on the bed before I can blink, pulling me into his arms like he used to when I was little and had nightmares. I bury my face in his shoulder and let myself fall apart completely.
"You are the son I love," he says fiercely, his own voice thick with tears. "You've always been the son I love. None of this changes that. Nothing could change that."
