Page 44 of The Arrangement
Okay, maybe I was a bit of a sore loser. But I’d have had the fucking race won if not for that stupid spiky blue turtle shell. “It’s bullshit,” I mumbled as I slumped on the sofa, glaring at the massive TV as his Luigi celebrated under a shower of confetti.
“God, you’re such a pain in the ass.”
“Fuck you. I am not.”
“You are. You…” Liam huffed and trailed off. I lifted my eyes to where he was sitting in an overstuffed chair, his red hair standing up and messy. He was glaring at the TV, but there was a new tension about him. He appeared paler than normal.
“Liam?”
“Why’d you do it?” His voice was soft, but there was an underlying heaviness to that question that left the hair on my arms standing on end. Something told me he wasn’t talking about the video game any longer.
I licked my lips as my mouth suddenly went dry. “What?”
“Why’d you do it?” he repeated. He turned his head, his hazel eyes narrowing on me. “Why’d you kiss me all those years ago?”
Fuck…
I’d known this was coming. We’d been hanging out for weeks now. Everything had been civil and calm. We’d been playful and friendly. Conversations seemed honest and heartfelt for the most part, even if they stayed somewhat superficial.
But the past was a storm cloud that hung low over us. No amount of pretending and niceness was going to make it move on. We had to face this. Unfortunately, no matter how I tried to tell myself that I was ready for it, the moment he asked his question, all the answers I’d prepared flew out of my head.
“I…I don’t know what to say…” I stammered, trying to organize my frantic thoughts into something coherent.
“The truth. That’s all I want.” The longer Liam spoke, the stronger and more intense his voice grew. His slender frame was practically vibrating as he sat up and put his controller on the coffee table littered with paper plates and our drinks. “Was it a joke? Were you playing some stupid joke on me that day? Did you ruin my life for a fucking joke?”
“What?” I screeched, jolting to my feet. “How the fuck did I ruin your life because of a stupid kiss?”
“What?” The word escaped him breathless and soft, his eyes so fucking wide they filled his face. “You saw my mom. She lost her shit, and she never got over that kiss.Never.No matter what I said, she convinced herself that I was gay, and that was the absolute worst thing I could ever be. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t be friends with you any longer; I couldn’t be around any boys out of fear that I’d start kissing them. When I got older, she worried that I’d knock some girl up to prove that I was straight. Every second I was living in her house was a nightmare. She watched and questioned my every movement. The only time she seemed to relax was after I got married.”
“But…but you told her you didn’t…that it was my fault…” I whispered, but the knots in my stomach had tightened to where I thought I was going to throw up. I knew she’d overreacted because she’d called my mom and lost her shit. Yet, I’d always thought she’d gotten past her insanity and moved on. Especially after I’d been cut completely out of Liam’s life.
“Like that mattered,” he scoffed, and it was like shoving a knife into my chest. “She was ready to believe the worst about me because she’d been brainwashed into believing that gay people were sent by Satan. She never believed a word I said from that day on. Neither of my parents did. I couldn’t be trusted.”
“Liam.” I paused and drew in a steadying breath. Everything he said was this crushing weight. My eyes burned as I lifted them to his haggard face. “I…I’m so sorry. You have to know I never meant for any of that to happen. Y-you were my best friend in the world. Nothing could have made me hurt you. That kiss…”
“Was it a joke?”
“No!” I flinched. I hadn’t meant to shout. “Fuck,” I mumbled when I had control of my emotions again. “No, it wasn’t a joke. It was…an impulse. We were standing there in the shade, a normal summer day, and you were staring up at me like I was some superhero. Like I was the best thing in your life. And…I don’t…Ijust wanted to kiss you, so I did. I’m sorry. I was a stupid kid, and I didn’t think about all the consequences. No one was supposed to see us. I figured if you hated it, we’d laugh it off, and that would be it. If you liked it, then we’d figure out what it meant later. I’m sorry. This is making it worse. Such a stupid thing, and I ruined your life over it. I?—”
“I’m sorry.”
My head jerked up, and I roughly wiped aside the tears that were trying to escape. “What?”
Liam pushed out of his chair and crossed to pull a couple of tissues from a box on one of the bookshelves before flopping on the couch next to me. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, handing the tissues to me. “I shouldn’t have said that you ruined my life. You didn’t. You were a stupid kid who kissed another stupid kid he liked. Kisses like that don’t ruin lives. You didn’t mean any harm. If anyone ruined my life, it was my mom and her homophobia. It wasn’t until I got to college that I realized how sick in the head she was. I got some friends who are gay and trans. Realized they’re normal people trying to live their lives. The only thing I’ve wanted to know was why you did it. For days afterward, I expected you to sneak to my house and explain what happened. I clung to the idea that if you could explain it to me, everything would go back to normal or at least be better. But you never showed up. When I hit college, I actually wondered if maybe you were gay and I was your first crush. Did I fuck you up by rejecting you?”
“Shit, Liam.” I had to hide my face in my wadded-up tissues. After what he’d gone through, he wasn’t allowed to be worried about hurting me. “If you keep saying nice things, I will kiss you again.”
“Um…”
“No. Sorry. Bad joke.” Tightening my fist around the damp tissues, I sat up straighter when I looked at him. “No, youdidn’t fuck me up. My mom sat me down and asked me what I was thinking. I told her honestly that I didn’t know. I was figuring things out, and she was fine with that. But she warned me against going anywhere near you or trying to contact you. She said your mom would have me arrested, and I didn’t want to make things worse. I always thought you’d try to contact me after your mom cooled off.”
“And that was it? She didn’t freak out or panic?”
I shook my head, feeling worse for him because our experiences were so different. “No, she told me to be careful and always check to be sure any affection would be welcome.” I suddenly groaned as a new memory sprang forth. “God, the sex talk from my dad. He explained both vaginalandanal sex. You could tell that heread booksabout this. It sounded like a school lecture. So fucking uncomfortable.”
A choking noise came from Liam, and I glanced over to see him covering his mouth as if he were trying to stop a cough, but really, he was choking on a laugh. His pale face was suddenly bright red.
Reaching out, I shoved his shoulder before flopping back on the sofa. “Asshole.”
