Page 47 of The Arrangement
“Will they make you turn in your PhD because liking boys means you can’t have earned that degree?”
“No.”
“Will it make you less of a great cook? Will you forget how to make those fettuccine noodles now that you might be bi? And I will tell you, gay or not, it won’t save you inMario Kart. You’re still going to need to cheat to beat me in that game.”
“I didn’t cheat! It’s a power-up.” My voice trembled as I argued, shaking half from laughter and half from tears that were fighting to escape.
“Whatever.” He walked around the coffee table and pulled me into a hard hug. The tears broke free as soon as my cheek touched his shoulder. I wasn’t even sure why I was crying. Fear? Relief that maybe there were deeper reasons for why my marriage didn’t work out? Frustration for the possible lost years? It was probably all the above and more.
One of Rome’s hands tightened on the back of my head while the other rubbed my shoulders. “Nothing has to change between us. We’re friends first, okay? I’m here for you. This doesn’t have to be a hard thing.”
I nodded, so fucking grateful that he was there for me. No judgments. No calling me stupid or gross or anything else. Just accepting. Patient and supportive.
“You wanna sit? I’ll get you something to drink.”
With Rome’s help, I shuffled over to the couch and dropped onto the cushions with a bounce. He snatched up my wineglass and disappeared down the hall. After my mini panic attack, I was feeling better. It was as if I’d purged a lot of my frantic energy so I could think. Part of me wanted to tell him to bring me some water, while the other part wanted him to bring the rest of that bottle of wine.
Rome was smarter than I gave him credit for. He refilled my wineglass halfway and filled a second glass with iced water. He set both on the table and joined me on the couch.
I drained the glass of wine in one go and took a sip of the water before setting it down.
“Calmer?” he inquired. All his earlier smugness was gone, so that now I saw only genuine concern.
“Yeah.” I nodded and flopped against the cushion. “I…I don’t know what to think. There are so many thoughts running through my head, but I can’t grab on to any of them.”
“I guess one easy thing is that no one knows what happened here tonight. Just because you’re realizing that you might be attracted to a guy, it doesn’t mean that you gotta walk out of here tomorrow wrapped in a rainbow flag.”
A snort escaped me at the image, but he had a point. This was our secret. I had time to figure out questions about my sexuality and who had a right to know about that.
“However,” Rome cut in, “if it turns out you’re gay or bi or what have you, I don’t recommend living your life in the closet about it. Not saying that you march in the next Pride parade or wear rainbows every day, but also don’t deny it. You’ll be happier if you embrace it.”
“Whateverithappens to be,” I muttered under my breath.
“Exactly.”
Was I gay? I’d been married to a woman for four years. Not that something like that counted as a clear-cut reason to bestraight or bi. Had I loved her? I thought so. Had I been attracted to her? Yes. I knew I was attracted to women in general.
But guys…
“Can I ask, did this come completely out of the blue for you?” Rome inquired softly.
“I…don’t know. I mean, I can look at a guy and recognize that he’s attractive. Like your friends are all obscenely hot. There should be laws against that many attractive people being in one spot.”
Rome choked on a laugh, but it stopped quickly. “Okay, but only Pierce and Simon are single. Plus, you’re not allowed to look at them anymore.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “Just because I think they’re attractive, I didn’t immediately think, ‘Damn, I need a piece of that.’ They’re simply hot guys.”
“Do you usually think that each time you see an attractive woman?”
“No. Personality plays heavily into whether I’m interested in a person. Like a smart person becomes hotter the more I talk to them because of the joy I get out of having an intelligent, engaging conversation. People who challenge me intellectually are attractive.”
“You sound demisexual to me, but I’m no expert.”
“What about you? You said you’re pan. How the fuck did you figure that out?”
Rome shook with silent laughter. “Pretty much like that.”
“Huh?”
