Page 122 of Beauty Beneath the Sorrow
I want to believe everything. I want to think that Carter and I could fly off together into the distance, living in our little bubble, but there are so many layers to it. And I’m a realist. I don’t believe in happily ever afters for everyone. It doesn’t work out for some people.
“Look, I know you both mean well, and you’re saying all of this because a part of you actually believes this could happen, but that’s exactly why I didn’t want to get Bailey or Piper involved.They’ve found their people, and I’m so happy for them, I am. I also know that they’re not the rule—they’re the exception. I’m the rule. I’m not the type of woman men marry. I’m the one they fuck around with. And this is proof of that.” I scoot back under my covers.
“You have no idea how incredible you are, Lina. For someone who exudes such confidence, you don’t have it inside.” My friend respectfully reminds me. “And what about me?”
“You’ll get your happily ever after, babe. It’s probably not your time yet,” I whisper with a smile. Avery is kind, gentle, and caring—and she’s already met her true love. She just hasn’t realized it yet.
“But what if this is yours?” she counters.
A bolt of irritation shoots up my spine. I’m tired of defending myself, and it’s too painful to keep talking about him. “I don’t need a fucking man to give me a future. I’m fine by myself.”
“Goddamnit, Lina, you are so fucking stubborn!” Zoe shouts. “He loves you, and you love him. Fuck everyone else!”
I ignore my sister’s reaction and continue to wallow in self-pity.
After sleeping another twelve hours, I finally decided it was time to get up. Tomorrow, I have to report to work for a three-day trip. I have a lot to do today before traveling for the next couple of days. I’m hopeful getting away will let me clear my head. Beinggrounded for too long makes me feel claustrophobic. That is why I understand the type of person Carter is—because we’re one and the same.
I need to talk to him, though. I’m unhappy with the way we left it last week, and my heart bleeds for him. I still don’t know where my mind is, but at this moment, the only person who can comfort me is him. This is a stark contrast to how I was feeling speaking with my sister and Avery.God, I’m a mess.My emotions are completely unhinged.
I take a quick shower, throw my hair up in a baseball cap, and pull on one of the hoodies he left at my house. I don’t dare take the one that I’ve been sleeping with. I can’t risk getting rid of his scent. I drive straight to his place, unsure if he’d even see me after how we left our last conversation. I go anyway.
On the drive over here, I replayed what I was going to say to him. More importantly, I didn’t get the chance to tell him how I truly feel. I admitted that I’m in love with him, but those simple words come with so much more.
When Carter uttered those words describing how much he was in love with me, it broke me. My heart had been his for some time, but there were still parts that I could control—parts that I could protect. But fear turned it to ice in defense.
I wanted him to know how much I ache for him and how it feels unbearable not to be with him anymore. The thought of him moving away makes me sick to my stomach and bile creeps up my throat. Is he worth getting hurt over? Because the way I see it now, is that I’m guaranteed heartache if I don’t try. Why didn’t I say those things? Is it too late?
I get to his door, anxious and unsure. I knock twice, takinga deep breath in, then blowing it out with force. The street sounds disappear, and the chirping of the birds in the trees in the courtyard silences. My eyes gloss over. Glaring at the heavy metal door of his top-story condo, I wait for him to answer.
Nothing.
I knock again, this time harder, quicker. My ears grow warm with fear. I wonder if he’s not answering for me.
“Carter?” I whisper yell into the door.
Nothing.
Did I miss my chance? Maybe he’s on a flight or at the airport flying his plane.
I throw my hair into the hole in my baseball cap because my neck is sweaty from nerves. Leaning against the side of the wall, I knock again, this time reddening my knuckles from the force of impact.Defeat.
Tears fill my eyes. Crossing my arms at my chest, I stand here, continuing to wait. A million thoughts race through my mind.Did he already move?No, that’s impossible.Maybe he already flew to Florida to accept the job?An overwhelming sense of dread fills me.
I bet I’m too late. Carter left upset and heartbroken that day. Neither of us planned for this. When did all this happen? Was it always there? He’s unlike any man I’ve ever known. He’s fiercely protective and passionate. He loves hard and isn’t afraid to go after what he wants. Carter knows my secrets. He knows my dreams. He’s in my fucking head.
His body had been talking to mine for months but was waiting for my brain to catch up. And now that it has, I pulse with fear. Fear about losing something now that I’ve alwaysbelieved I’d never get. Carter makes me so happy. If the world faded away tomorrow, he’d be the only one I’d want to live for. I can’t believe I’m thinking these things and yet—I let him go.
With my head down, I watch teardrops splatter on the floor at my feet. Dazed and blurry-eyed, I hear a door open behind me. I whip my head up and around to see who it is.
Abby and Ashley, Carter’s neighbors, with their dog Snickers. They’re both focused on the dog at their feet, who won’t contain his excitement for the walk they’re about to go on.
I quickly wipe the wetness from under my eyes, then pick at the strings on his hoodie. When they see me, they’re both laughing at each other.
“Hi,” Ashley greets me first, tugging on the red dog leash.
Abby smiles. “Lina, right?”
“Yes.” I swallow hard, trying to keep my composure. “It’s good to see you both again.”
