Page 81 of Beauty Beneath the Sorrow
“God, you take me so well,” he praises as he continues to roll his hips.
A single tear escapes from the corner of my eye. Carter immediately bends to kiss it. I fucking melt. Arousal coats the insides of my legs while he slips in and out. Before he has a chance to lift back up, I capture his mouth in mine, sucking in his tongue, desperately trying to absorb as much of him as I can.
I feel Carter’s frantic, unmeasured thrusting begin to slow into softer and more rhythmic rolls. Shifting his body to lie on top of me, both of his hands come around to cup my face. I smile up at him, lost in the euphoria of this moment. He dips his head and gently kisses my nose, my mouth, and along my jawline.
“Why does it feel so wrong for us to be together?”I blurt without thinking.
Carter’s body stills above me. His eyes bounce between both of mine, maybe searching for the words to say or considering my question to himself.
“I don’t know, baby.” His voice is quiet—almost strained. “But the moments when we’re together, it’s us. Let’s not worry about the next second, hour, or even day.”
My heart falls from my chest, crashing into the bottom of my gut. He’s something I’ve never experienced. I can’t even imagine the day I might not be able to have him anymore. Or the day one of us decides that whatever we’re doing isn’t working anymore. One day, everything will come crashing down in a giant, chaotic pile at our feet.
I push those thoughts aside. My eyes find his lips. I bring my mouth up and breathe him in.
This isn’t going to end well.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Lina
Islide out from under Carter’s muscular arm. Moving slowly, I inch my body off the bed. Trying not to wake him, I scurry around the room, grabbing my clothes. I bend down to slip on my panties when I hear his smooth voice—right before I get them up to my knees.
“Lina.” His voice is muffled as his face is buried in the pillow. “I know you’re trying to sneak out.”
My nose wrinkles, and I grin to myself. Carter knows me a lot better than I thought he did. “How would I sneak out? This is my house.”
“I don’t know.” He’s lying on his stomach, arms tucked under the pillow above his head. “But I know you were going to leave the room.”
I exhale. He wants me to get back in bed with him. And I want to as well, but things are becomingcomfybetween us. It’s terrifying. I give in, sliding back off my panties—which is the only piece of clothing I managed to get on before he caught me.
I crawl back into the bed as Carter flips over. Cuddling into the crook of his extended arm, I’m filled with both warmth and terror.
Hefeels so good.Wefeel so good.Why do I constantly want to run?There are many reasons why I can’t fully give myself to him. I’m flawed. I’m a flawed human, and the thought of finding my match with another reminds me of the truth. It simply won’t happen.
I comfortably rest my head on top of Carter’s compass tattoo. His most intricate piece of art spans the entire left side of his chest. I trace each cardinal direction with my eyes—memorizing every detail. A familiar action that’s now become a comfort. I need to remember everything for the day that all this will end.
I haven’t forgotten that Carter asked about what happened to me. I’ve never had plans to tell him—or anyone. My friends don’t even know. As an adult, I wish I could go back in time to visit that young, fresh-faced high schooler. I’d give her a hug and tell her she’s not alone. I would reassure her none of it was her fault. But I’d also like to prepare her for how it will shape her entire view on relationships and men.
Unfortunately, those scars have shaped the person I’ve become, and the aftermath has never entirely dissipated.
The darkness that follows me everywhere I go hitches a ride on my back and weighs me down. Desperately pulling me in, it claws at my thoughts, awareness, and mind. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve beaten them—swallowed those memories whole. But soon enough, I get those little reminders, a sharp ping that doesn’t allow me to forget they’re still around, lurking in the shadows.
Waiting.
Watching.
When they strike, they wreak havoc on my psyche.
“Prom night began as most would. My friends and I got ready together at my house. We all had dates with seniors and joked about who was going to lose their virginity finally—”
I feel Carter’s body relax into the bed. His hand comes up to caress my forehead. Running his fingertips along my hairline, he soothes me. He doesn’t ask what I’m talking about, and I have no need to explain what I’m going to say next because he already knows I’m finally about to share something deeply personal with him.
“I went with Kirk. He was on the football team. He was a little cocky for my taste, but it made me proud he asked me since every girl on campus would give anything to be noticed by him. After the dance, a group of us went to Kirk’s family cabin a little north of here. Within an hour or so, the place was overcrowded with high school students looking to have a night of fun and drinking.” I rub my lips together, and the heaviness in my chest returns as I say out loud the events of this horrible night.
“I’ve had way too much to drink,” I slur, struggling to stand on my feet. I feel like I’ve gotten off of a horrible amusement park ride. “What the heck is jungle juice anyway?”
“It’s Everclear and Kool-Aid.” Kirk grabs one of my arms to brace me.
