Page 103 of On Merit Alone
“Hmm.”
“Seeing stuff like this sort of makes the things we stress out about look really small,” he said. “It sort of takes the anxiety away, yeah?”
“Sort of,” I said, my lip worrying under my teeth again. Breathing deeply I took a step out his arms and readied myself for the insanity that was potentially about to come out of my mouth. “But there is still something weighing on my mind.”
“Is everything okay?” he asked immediately before getting distracted by my movements and reaching out to pull me closer to him. Closer to safety. “Hey, hey—not too close to the edge there, Six. Easy.”
My heart squeezed at his questions. At his attentiveness. At the constant way he kept showing up for me when I never asked him to. And if I didn’t get a hold on this feeling right now, I might just jump off. I was already spiraling over the edge, I just needed to know what to expect when I got to the bottom. Broken bones or…or a soft landing. Rubbing my forehead between my thumb and index fingers, I rushed out, “What are we… doing, Ira?”
“Um… hiking?” he said, voice the same as it always was.
I pressed my lips together, not sure if he was purposely not getting it or if it truthfully hadn’t crossed his mind that the way he was being with me lately could potentially make me start to feel things. Potentially confuse me.
“No, I, that’s not what I mean,” I said.
He waited a beat, and when I didn’t elaborate he asked me to. “So what do you mean?”
“I mean—” I took a deep breath. “Like, us? Like what arewe? What should I be expecting? What should I be doing? Because I feel like I'm just soaking up all your kindness without offering anything back. And I like being around you but I don’t know how toact, and I don’t know when it will end and I don’t know if it's obvious, but I don’t really do casual well. So… so yeah. I guess that’s what I mean.”
He coughed, clearing his throat. Then he was there, grabbing me by my shoulders to turn me fully toward him and stepping us away from the edge of the cliff for good measure.
He looked down at me, but I looked down at our feet. This forced him to duck his head down to catch my eyes. When he found them he smiled at me softly, encouraging me to lift my head the rest of the way and face whatever he had to say.
“Is that what was stressing you out? Something to do with me?” he asked.
“Not initially. First I was upset because of practice and stressed about New York and my GM… But then it sort of seemed like you were mad at me this whole time—or at least tired of me. But you hugged me, so now I’m confused.”
He blinked. “What made you think I was mad at you?
“You didn’t speak to me much up the mountain.”
“Have you tried talking while hiking? It’s a fast way to lose your breath.”
“No, I haven’t.” I blinked at him through my lashes. “Because you didn’t speak to me.”
He puffed out an amused breath as he surveyed me. “Is this what you’re like when you get comfortable with someone, Six?”
“Like what, needy?”
“Pouty,” he corrected, punctuating the comment by tapping my bottom lip that had apparently slipped out.
I wanted to laugh, I really did, but this sudden feeling of needing to know where this was all going, and if I was doing the right thing was absorbing me. I think he could sense my anxiety, because a second later he was taking a step into my space and moving his hands to scoop up my cheeks. Next, his foreheadtouched mine, and I wasn’t imagining that his body relaxed the same way mine did at the contact.
“I didn’t say much on the way up because I could tell when you walked in you had a lot on your mind,” he started. “I know that because you did that thing where you talk to the ceiling while you pace—I don’t know if you’re like cursing all your enemies or what, Six, but it’s seriously scary.”
“Ira,” I laughed on a singular breath, shutting my eyes. He made me smile at the most inopportune times, I swear. He made my heart flutter even while my stomach was torn with anxiety.
“I was worried. So I thought I’d bring you to a place where I like to think. I would have waited for you in the car like I made my brother do, but I was worried about you going up alone. I wanted to give you time, Merit. I know I’m the only person you hang out with right now and that can sometimes get repetitive, so I wanted to give you the option to be by yourself with your thoughts.”
I grabbed onto his shirt, balling it up in my hand. “I can be alone with my thoughts without you ignoring me.”
“Ah, baby, I’m sorry,” he cooed, continuing to poke fun.
I tugged on my handful of fabric. “See? You’re making my heart feel crazy.”
“Should I apologize?”
“Only if you’re going to hurt me.”
