Page 113 of On Merit Alone
I nodded. “Basketball. And I don’t know for sure because I’ve been nervous to talk about it with her. My guess is, since we met because of basketball, when she heard I was thinking about leaving basketball behind she thought maybe I was leaving her behind too.”
“You haven’t talked to her about it again?” she asked. I shook my head. “Why?”
“I don’t know—I’m nervous. I don’t want to scare her off again. And I don’t like how indecisive I’m being,” I said. “Because I’m decisive about her. I want her. And if talking about it is going to make her think that I don’t… I’ll just hold it in.”
“Ira,” she covered her mouth, looking at me as if I said I’d found a golden egg. “You’re decisive about her?”
I felt my cheeks heat. “Yeah. I am.”
She pressed both her palms to her cheeks trying to tamp down her smile. It hardly worked. “If you like her that much, you should talk about it with her. If you wanted her opinion before, I’m sure you want it now that she was part of the inspiration to change your mind. The conversation might be hard, or embarrassing, but you guys are getting to know each other. You’ll grow into how to communicate with each other in every situation.”
I hummed, my chest feeling lighter after admitting so much. All of it was true, but it seemed like as soon as I said it out loud, it made it that much more real.
“Ira!” Iris whispered excitedly as she bounced in her spot and shook my elbow. “I’m so happy for you! I always imagined you with someone like this!”
“Really! Like what?” I asked curious.
“I don’t know—she’s justwarm.” Strange that I felt the same way. Iris elbowed me again, her excitement seeping into her limps as she let them run away from her. “You should talk to her about it though. But in the meantime, Kimmy is actually in town, so maybe you can talk to her about it too. I know she’d love to see you.”
Kimmy was Iris’s old teammate who was going to school to be a sports psychologist and always used to run clinicals by me. She was never actually my real therapist but talking to her like a very well informed and enlightened friend always used to help me a ton. In return, she had me test out all of her sports psychology workbookdrafts and actually used a testimonial of mine in a publication that she wrote. I kept in touch with her in the way you keep in touch with most distant friends nowadays, occasionally swiping up on a social media story of hers or congratulating her on any major life events she happened to post. But talking to her might help me finally make a decision.
Nodding, I agreed and asked Iris to set it up. Then I leaned a shoulder down to my sister and bumped her. “Alright. Let’s get out of earshot. She’ll wake up if she thinks she’s missing out on?—”
“Ira?” a small sleepy voice cut me off. Rising groggily from her spot on the couch was Merit, rubbing her eyes as she gingerly picked her way from under the kid’s grasp. First she peered over to the baby to make sure he was still sleeping. Then she gently slipped her hand out of Liv’s grip and laid her head down on a pillow to replace where her body had been. Rising, she let out a big yawn as she came over to find me. “Why did you let me fall asleep? I wanted to tell you—oh.”
Merit stood a little straighter as she realized someone else was in the room. Then she smiled sheepishly at my sister as Iris watched her unapologetically.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just didn’t want to miss…” her words trailed off as she bit her lip. No doubt feeling embarrassed about what she might say.
I reached between us and picked up her hand, pulling her the rest of the way to my side and wrapping an arm behind her back. Soft as I could without downright whispering in front of my sister, I murmured, “You didn’t miss anything, Six. We were just talking about the afternoon. How’s your head, soldier?”
“Hurts,” she said, shooting my sister a quick look. “But I’ll be okay.”
Using the pads of my fingers I ran them across her skin. The slight bump right there on her forehead made me chuckle. I shookmy head. “Want to sleep it off some more? You can use my room if we’re too loud down here.”
Her eyes tracked over me, just like they had been since she’d gotten back from the doctor. Then her wrist started to buzz and she peeked down at it before straightening out of my grasp. “That’s for Cash. I need to start heading back so I can feed him. He’s been alone most of the day.”
“Alright,” I said, already missing her. “Next time bring him too.”
She gave me a long, quiet look—leveling, surveying, testing. Then her eyes slid to my sister again, who had yet to move away, just watching us like we were her favorite TV show.
“Okay, then,” I said, clapping my hands softly before moving behind Merit and slipping my hands to her waist. “Mer, let me walk you out. Iris, get a life—you’re being creepy.”
Merit smiled and said bye to my sister over her shoulder as she let me walk her to the front door. She was quiet as she slipped on her shoes, and sheepish as she pulled on my fingers to follow her out to her car. It was when she lingered at her door, looking from my face to our joined hands that I finally took a step into her line of vision. “What’s up, Six?”
“I—” she stopped, her lips rolling into her mouth as she looked from both of my eyes, one and then the other and then back again. Her face was soft, open, and vulnerable.
“I’d give just about anything to know what this look means right now, Merit,” I admitted.
She smiled. Pretty and small. “I had a lot of fun today, Ira. I like your family.”
“Thanks, Six. I’m pretty sure they like you too.”
She smiled, but something brought her closer to me. Brought her hands to my shirt as she clutched it in her grip and stared up at me.
“But I hope you know I like you the best,” she said slowly, eyeswatching me closely. “That you’re number one for me. You know that right?”
Slowly, my lips broke apart in a smile. I couldn’t help it from spreading across my face. It was like my lips had a mind of their own, my happiness the only control over them. And my chest began to flutter and twist like a tornado of butterflies decided to touch down right there.
