Page 114 of On Merit Alone
“It looks like I know now.” I couldn’t help the shyness of my tone. She was always direct when I was least expecting it. And right now she was being about the most direct she’d ever been in regards to her feelings for me.
I could tell a lot from her cues and her non-declarations. I wasn’t dense. But there was something different about when someone just came out and said it.She likes me best.
I swear I must’ve been glowing. That's what it felt like as this warmth enveloped my entire body.
“Okay, good,” she smiled, looking relieved. But when I continued to beam, she pushed my shoulder playfully. “But your sister is still pretty cool though.”
“But I’m your favorite?”
She sobered, looking at me. “You are.”
“Alright now, easy there, Six,” I teased. “If you keep this up I might start to think you like me as much as I like you.”
She wouldn’t stop. She just wouldn’t stop taking my breath away.
Out of nowhere, she lifted onto her toes and before I knew what she was doing, her lips were on mine. Soft. Gentle. Tender as she kissed me for the first time on her own. Her hands moved up to cup my jaw, her fingertips lightly brushing either side of it in the lightest of holds.
Too soon, she pulled away but only far enough so she could look into my eyes. “If it’s anywhere close to a whole, whole lot, then I’m right there with you.”
Leaning down, I hummed approvingly as I rubbed my nose against hers. I felt her in my chest, in my throat, in my veins as every part of me roared to life in her presence.
She accepted the contact with a small smile but didn’t move to kiss me again. Instead she whispered something, sounding like she had a frog in her throat. But I knew better, she was holding back those tears that I was working so hard to erase for good.
“Thank you for taking me to the doctor. It’s pretty silly that I worked myself up so much about it, but you being there really meant a lot to me,” she said.
“Anytime, Merit.”
On her toes again, she wrapped her arms around me, hugging me close. I rubbed my hands along her back as I felt her shiver. “And I want you to be able to trust me as much as I trust you. Because that is a hell of a lot too, Ira.”
Hugging her close, tight, I let my lips touch the crook of her neck as I whispered, “I do, sweetheart.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Merit
Life hadthe funny tendency of spitting in my face. Most monumentally in the form of killing my entire family and leaving me to fend for myself for years. But most recently in the instance of making me put my trust into someone with no doubt whatsoever that it might be betrayed—and getting that thrown back into my face.
The worst part about it all was that I should have known. I should have known not to get my hopes up. I should have known not to expect quite so much. I should have known that all those feelings that seemed too good to be true—especially the one that started with the letter‘L’—were.
But no. I didn’t listen to the pestering feeling in the back of my mind. I pushed it away, mistaking it for pessimism and not seeing it for what it truly was. The truth.
Instead of protecting myself from the truth that Ira could never actually feel the same way about me that I suspected I felt about him, I let myself believe that he did. I let myself believe that he would show up for me. That he cared.
And he showed me that he didn’t.
Denver versus New York. The rivalry game I’d been looking forward to for almost as long as the season had been going on. One that would set the tone for the rest of the season and quite possibly the rest of my career.
All week I had this nervous excited energy that I couldn’t shake. I was practicing extra, holing up to watch film, and doing everything I could to get myself into the zone. I actually thought I was thinking about it too much. Psyching myself out before the game even began. But it was too late to worry about that. All I knew was, by the time tip off came around, I would be ready.
Never mind the nasty scowls and razor sharp looks from our opponents across the court. Never mind the bigger than usual crowd of away team viewers who had shown up and taken to heckling the Mites with mean words and empty threats. Never mind the wavering strength of my performance so far this season as I struggled to come back into myself.
Never mind it all. This game was a challenge to myself, to all of us, that even though we’d been down we were never out. I’d been proving the same to myself and to the world my whole life. Hardships aside, injuries aside, bullshit reputations aside; I was ready to resurface on the other side of this trial, triumphant.
I played like it was my last game in this arena. Like it was my last time in a jersey, period. I did everything I came there to do. I did more, and it paid off. We won. It wasn’t even neck and neck. We won because we crushed them and that almost felt better.
And Ira didn’t come.
I remember checking as soon as the game was about to begin to see if he was anywhere in eyesight. He was usually around the same spot, close enough to the court that I could see him, but sometimes a couple of rows back if it was extra crowded so he could blend in more. But tonight, he just wasn’t there. I didn’t have time to dwell on it, though, and quickly tuned my focus into the game, assuming that he would show up soon.
