Page 116 of On Merit Alone
I needed to get it back.
In front of me, Ira swallowed hard. “Say something, Six.”
“Was it important?” I asked, and damn, I hated that I asked it. But I wanted to know.
“What?”
Against my better judgment, I looked at him. My eyes were pleading, and I didn’t understand why I wanted him to explain this away, but something in me did. I wanted to have this all wrong, like I did when I thought his sister might be someone else.
I wanted to be wrong, so I asked, “Was that dinner really, really important, and that’s why you chose it over me? Because if it was then I can work past it. But I told you before that I need to know what to expect from you so that I don’t get my hopes up and feel like this,like absolute shit, when I’m disappointed. So was it a really important meal you had, Ira, because that game was very important to me.”
His face fell and he bit his lip. It was enough to already startcurling a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, telling me I was stupid again for getting my hopes up that he might have a good reason for not showing.
“I—um—sort of. Kimmy’s an old friend, and I wanted to get her opinion on something important,” he said. I raised my eyebrows, ready to hear what it was. He raised his hand to his neck and scrubbed it slightly. “She works in sports psych, so I wanted to run my decision by her.”
I blinked. My throat, which had been bordering the line for a while now, closed up. I had to clear it just to feel like I could breathe. Air didn’t help much, though. As soon as I got some, my eyes watered, my lip wobbling.
“The same one that you can’t talk to me about?” I asked.
He deflated even more. “Yeah, but?—”
I nodded, hearing nothing else. Blood roaring in my ears, and my heartbeat pumping in my throat as I tried to hold back the stupid dam of frustration and insignificance I felt.
This is why you don’t change your rules for people, Merit. This is why you don’t expect. Because it’s always going to come back to this.
“Okay,” I said. “Okay, I think that’s all.”
I tried to move, but he was on me in a second. “No, wait. What do you mean that’s all? Where are you going?”
“I mean that’s all I need. And I’m going to bed. I don’t feel well,” I said, trying to move past him.
“Six, wait,” he said, taking me in his hands just like I knew he would. But instead of comforting, they felt fake. And I felt stupid for thinking otherwise. I turned my head away from him even as he held my cheek in his palm. A few tears slipped past my hold and I cursed myself for not holding them back better. “No, no, sweetheart please. Please don’t do that, alright? Don’t cry.”
“It’s fine, Ira. I get it now. Just let me go. I’m crying for something else. Not because of you,” I lied, trying to push past him. I feltweak, like all my strength had been zapped away from this one conversation. I truly did just want to go to bed.
“No. You don’t get it, Merit,” he said. “You’re so extreme about everything, so I’msureyou don’t get it.”
“Let me go please?” I said sadly. “I do get it.”
“No,” he sighed. “Listen baby,I’m sorryI missed your game. I’ve got no excuse for it. I got my days mixed up and I fucked up and I feel horrible about it. But I need you to understand that this doesn’t change anything. I’m still here. I’m stillgoingto be here. I’ll be here begging you to forgive me if that’s what I need to do. But just because I messed up doesn’t mean I don’t want you and it doesn’t magically make it so I never have.”
I said nothing. I was staring at my feet, swallowing like crazy as tears flowed from my eyes and to the floor between us. I felt like shit. My ears ringing, my face stinging, my body hot. And all I could think about was the fact that I had trusted him, I still stupidly trusted him though it was a little warped at the moment—yet he still didn’t trust me.
I guess it was my own fault. I’d stomped on his trust in me way back then in a parking garage. And if he felt anything like I do now, I guess I didn’t blame him for never wanting to give me another chance. It didn’t hurt any less though.
“Please, Merit, would you just look at me?” he pleaded.
“I’m having a hard time doing that right now,” I answered honestly.
He cursed.
“I’m gonna head to bed, Ira. Not feeling so great,” I said to the floor.
He let me pass, but changed his mind a moment later, latching onto my hand just as I was passing through the living room. “Six. I don’t want to leave things like this.”
I huffed, laughing without humor. “Things just are the way they are.”
“Please don’t be mad at me.”
