Page 155 of On Merit Alone
“You’re not mad?” he asked.
“I'm not.”
“I'm sorry I’m being so selfish,” he said.
I shook my head. I didn't know what to say other than I understood. Long ago, I started wanting to covet all of Ira’s time and attention to myself. I think before I even knew what I felt for him, I’d wanted that. And in all that same time, Ira had done nothing but want the best for me. The neatest and most cordial for me. He’d never let an ounce of selfishness slip from his lips. Until now.
Now I knew he wanted me no matter what. When he wanted to protect me at the expense of his career. When he wanted our love, or soon to be that, in place of anything else. Deep, deep down, past all the things he knew were right and all the feeling he knew he was supposed to give me, he wanted me in the most basic way.
He wanted me to be his, by his side, at all costs.
It set my heart on fire. Burning like a hearth in my chest as I held onto him. Trying to convey the feelings that I couldn't yet form into words, I showed him with my movements. I kissed him again and ran my fingers through his hair. I held onto the back of his neck as I pressed my body as close to him as I possibly could.
He melted around me, holding onto me tight, his face in my neck, his arms like strong cables around my back. Tethering us, tethering our hearts, our lives, and our intentions.
He held me like I was threatening to get away when really I was right there. I wouldberight there. I’d make sure of it.
There was no place I’d rather be than there with this man.
Chapter Forty
Ira
It wasover a week ago that I saw Merit in the tunnel speaking with her piece of shit general manager, and I hadn’t seen her since. There weren’t words to describe the anger and fear I’d felt after hearing just how much contempt someone who was supposed to be on her team held for her.
At the same time I wanted to rip that man apart. I also wanted to wretch because, as I began to process what Mer’s GM not liking her actually meant for her future—the possibility of her leaving—I began to feel more and more sick with helplessness.
The truth was, I didn’t know what I’d do if she was taken away from me. I hadn’t even thought about the possibility, which was crazy given the industry we both worked in, but the prospect had never even crossed my mind. Now that it had, I knew I had to defend her spot in any way I could.
I walked into her empty kitchen, which was slightly less empty as it was slowly being filled with little pieces of our relationship. A saltshaker we picked up at a market, a dish towel from my kitchen, a list of our “no-go” dates pinned to the fridge so we knew what days we wouldn’t get to see each other. Evensomething as mundane as a stack of takeaway containers she’d been meaning to return to my home for weeks now on the counter made me happy.
I know it was selfish and possessive of me to like seeing myself in all corners of her life, but I was shameless in my need for her. I couldn’t help that I loved being a part of her life. Iwouldn’thelp it. I’d protect it. Or that’s at least what I planned to do.
“Mer?” I called into the quiet of the apartment. Not even Cash was at the door to greet me. She’d been acting weird for the past day, come to think of it. One-word messages and shorter phone calls meant something had to be up.
The response I heard next completely backed up my theory.
“I’m not going,” Merit said from God knows where she was skulking.
I chuckled, safely setting the things I’d brought inside on the kitchen island before moving deeper into the space. “No? And why’s that?”
“You’re too famous. You made the charity event too popular and now there’s going to be a red carpet and interviews and everything.” A beat passed and she grumbled, “And I have nothing to wear.”
“Ah,” I said, nodding. “Well, I might be able to help with part of that if you come out and see me.”
“No.”
“C’mon sweetheart, I miss you.”
“Should have thought of that when you were gone for days,” she said, and though she sounded playful, there was a slight doubt in her voice that twisted me up. Suddenly, I really wanted to find her.
“Mer, come on out, baby.”
“I’m not going.”
“I thought you were contractually obligated to all of these events, and you ‘don’t break contracts’, remember?” My hands found the back of her small gray sectional as I looked around the living room.
More grumbling. “Whatever. Rob already hates me and has it out for me. What’s the use?”
