Page 80 of On Merit Alone
He looked at me for a moment. Finger brushing my cheek again and again, even though there was nothing there. Absently, he let hisvoice lower as his eyes wandered all over my expression. Learning it. Tracing it with his eyes. “I knew I’d get to see it one day.”
I laughed. “What? Me in a bra?”
He shook his head, his thumb coming down to trace along the outline of my bottom lip. “Your real laugh. When it’s not weighed down by whatever you keep tucked up in your mind.”
For the first time in long minutes, I sobered. And with Ira wrapped around me, unbothered by his own vulnerability and accepting mine, I could do nothing but acknowledge his words from earlier.
Close your eyes and fall.
“And what do you think?” I asked him.
He didn’t even hesitate. “Beautiful.”
Close your eyes…
I did, my entire body shuddering against his as his words washed over me. His acceptance of both my serious side and the hidden, softer side that seemed to be seeping out more and more around him.
Fall.
He’d better know what he was asking for before he committed to that. Because I had a lot of dead weight, and when I finally did fall, it would be like a boulder.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ira
Transitions in lifewere hard to navigate. Slow to adjust to. Change in ourselves was harder to come to terms with because the feeling of growth was often uncomfortable until after the growing was done.
My guess was that my growth had just begun, considering how much I was struggling with this decision.Still.
Apparently Ryan wanted an answer; one I still didn’t have. Which I told him as I sat in the chairs of his cushy office away from the Mountaineer Sports Complex.
Glass everywhere, located at the top of a high rise that overlooked the city skyline. Black furniture that looked sleek while also being comfortable. And amenities on amenities available to everyone. I couldn’t resist grabbing either a cup of coffee or a smoothie every time I stepped foot in here.
My cup of coffee felt like a cup of guilt in my hand today as Ryan cut me with sharp, sharp eyes. Our meeting concluding with the knock of his next appointment at the door. “King, I implore you,please, get it the fuck together. I’m sick of having these meetings.”
“Sorry, Ry,” I mumbled.
He was already done with me though, just waving his hand dismissively. “Let my next appointment in on your way out.”
I sighed but got up to get the hell out of there. Nothing made me feel more incompetent than being injured, but being indecisive was a close second. Still, I was determined not to rush this decision. I’d been so sure before that I wanted these to be some of my last games. I’d been ready to be done, to move on. But after that last run in the tournament, I’d tasted something. A glimpse of greatness, not just goodness. And while a new path was still something I desired, so was a title. Suddenly I wasn’t so sure I was ready to give that up.
I needed advice—to talk to someone about it. And not the same people I’d already been talking about it with. I needed a new perspective. A perspective of someone who knew me, who understood my drive, who had my best interest in mind with no other horse in the race.
A vision of long braids flickered in and out of my mind as quick as a blink, and I sighed. I wanted to ask Merit what she thought, but there was something holding me back. Something in the way she acted with basketball—like it was more of a drug or a lifeline than a passion—that I didn’t fully understand yet. I understood a love for the game, but I was in a different place in my career than the desperate way I used to crave fame and fortune and accolades. I played the game because it was a part of me. A love so deep that it felt like family.
I still didn’t know why Merit played.
When I opened the door to Ryan’s office, I thought maybe I was magic—conjuring up my desires well enough that they appeared directly before my eyes. Angelic and beautiful as always stood Merit on the other side of the door. She had her hair down but those black sunglasses were pushed up over the top of her head. I guess she still hadn’t gone to the eye doctor. She wore casual athletic clothes like she usually did before and after practices. The black of them was nothing like the bright colors of her “home clothes” she’dworn to my house. As she laid eyes on me, I could see the softness of recognition hit her gaze.
I never thought a look could get me, but in that moment I wanted her in my arms. Wanted to envelope her rough exterior until I could make her soft for me. Wanted her as close as I’d had her that night in my house, or the night at the amphitheater. Even closer if she’d allow it, but it felt like as soon as I was laying eyes on her, a voice was calling out to her from behind me.
“Come in, Merit. Shut the door,” Ryan said. And again, like the last time I heard him talk to her, I thought I noticed a softness about his tone. What was it about?
Slipping past me, Mer stepped into the room and caught the door between her palm to shut it quietly behind herself. I thought for a second she wasn’t going to speak to me, and for that second I felt a little dejected. I mean sure she’d been showing up in all the right places and being everything I’d ever needed and a little bit more, but did that mean anything in the grand scheme of things? Did I really mean anything to her? And did she mean anything to me?
The question worried through my brain at warp speed, and all because she hadn’t waved hello.
But then she caught my eye, just as she was clicking the door shut and stuck her little tongue out at me before whispering, “Who’s the stalker now?”
