Page 81 of On Merit Alone
I couldn’t help the soft laugh that escaped, and I realized the question wasn’t did Merit mean anything to me? The real question was, how much?
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this, Six,” I said as I slid into the passenger seat of Merit’s SUV.
She snorted right away. “What? You showing up uninvited?”
“No.” I smiled. “With you showing up everywhere I am.”
“Youare everywhereIhappen to be,” she sputtered.
I swear I could time her reactions on a loop; outraged, exasperated, amused, but not wanting to admit it. I was starting to look forward to her predictable, yet totally addicting, reactions. It made me want to pull more out of her.
Which is why I leaned a shoulder in and said, “Hate to break it to you, Six, but if I’m here first then that means you’re the one following me.”
She pinched the bridge of her nose, her head shaking and her glasses scooting down her forehead some. I tapped them. “No appointment yet?”
“Nuh-uh,” she mumbled, averting her eyes and immediately changing the subject. “How are you feeling?”
“Terrible,” I said, which made her flinch, giving me a pitying look that I didn’t quite like. So I added, “But not too bad, considering. Just a little confused.”
“Confused?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said. That’sallI said. And after a while I could feel her looking at me, waiting on me to elaborate. I grumbled, “So do you ever, like, drive this thing, or is that just some kind of illusion?”
“What is up with you and your obsession with me driving?” she chuckled.
“I don’t know,” I said, shifting uncomfortably. “I feel like there’s a lot of attention on me right now.”
“You don’t want me to pay attention to you?”
“I want all of your attention, Merit. It’s sick how much of it I want. It’s just, with this, I don’t know—I guess I haven’t said it to anyone outside of my family, so telling you makes it feel sort of real,” I admitted.
This seemed to peak her interest, shifting her in her seat to sit up taller. Her shoulders went rigid. “You’re not hurt badly after all, are you? More surgery?”
“No,” I breathed. “No, Mer. I’m already feeling almost a hundred percent again. It’s not that.”
“Oh,” she breathed, and the amount of relief she felt for me made my chest move. Made me certain that she was the right person to ask about this. “So, what is it then?”
Nerves took me as I looked down at my hands. Big, ambitious hands that had carried me so far. It felt like a betrayal to them and to everyone who’s taken a hold of them on this journey to be saying this. But if I was going to figure it out once and for all and stop making excuses, I would have to start somewhere.
So I’d start here. With her.
“I um.. My contract is ending. It’s actually ended, technically,” I said, not looking at her.
She didn’t say anything right away, but I could feel her looking at me. Contemplating. After a second of silence, she reached her hand across the space between us and slid it into mine, squeezing reassuringly to coax me along.
I took a breath, readying myself to say what I needed to. What I needed to start considering seriously. “My contract is ending and I don't know if I’m going to re-sign.”
“You… don’t know?” she asked slowly. “Are you moving?”
“No,” I answered.
“No,” she echoed. Turning her shoulders more toward me, she shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“C’mon, are you really going to make me say it, Six?” I asked a little miserably.
She just blinked. “I truly don’t know what you're talking about. I’m confused, Ira.”
I took a breath, letting it seep out in a dejected stream. “I don’t think I want to renew my contract orhavea contract anywhere. I don’t know if I want to come back, Six.”
