Page 26 of Attractive Forces
Jen’s grin just gets wider. “My answer is yes to the room too.”
“Cool.”
We stare at each other. Shit. What am I supposed to do now? What’s the etiquette for after you ask a girl to go to the ball? Am I supposed to hug her to seal the deal? Kiss her?
As that thought brushes across my mind, I take a step back.
“So, um…I’ve got chemistry tutoring now. I’ll see you around.” I manage to contort my face into a smile. At least, I hope it’s a smile rather than a grimace.
It’s okay. Jen’s smiling enough for both of us.
“Yeah, see you ‘round,” she says brightly.
I walk away, feeling hollow.
Jennifer deserves better than this. She deserves someone genuinely excited to go to the ball with her, not someone only doing it as a cover.
Fuck it, I deserve better than this too.
But I follow through on the rest of my plan. As I get into my car, I send Adam a message asking about the hotel. He replies, telling me there are still rooms available and one of them is mine if I want it. He follows his message with a winky face.
I stare at that winky face and feel like I’m going to throw up.
I’ll have to figure out something for the actual night.
Maybe Jen and I can just hang out in the room for a bit. I mean, it’s not like there will be cameras to ensure we do anything. Maybe I can play the religious card, tell her I’m waiting until marriage. Surely my dad being a pastor is the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.
Worst-case scenario, I can pretend to be sick.
Whatever happens, I know I won’t be having sex with Jen after the ball. I just want to give the impression we are.
Fuck. I’m an awful, awful person.
There’s so much talk about God not being okay with gay people, but surely any higher moral power should be more worried about the lying and deceiving that goes on when you’re hiding who you really are. Surely it’s more of a sin to deny the truth?
I start my ignition and drive to Jake’s house.
When I get there, just seeing Jake’s lopsided smile unclenches something inside me. His messy hair is long enough now to fall into his eyes, and he distractedly brushes it away as we head up the stairs.
We sit at his desk and start working. Despite the fact I’ve calmed down, I still find it hard to concentrate.
“You okay?” he asks me after I struggle through the first problem in organic chemistry.
I fiddle with my pen, spinning it in my fingers. “Yeah, just a bit of a crazy day.”
His deep-brown eyes study me. “Want to tell me about it?”
“Do you ever…?” I begin, keeping my eyes on my pen. “Do you ever think there’s just this huge gap sometimes between how everyone sees you and what you’re really like?”
When I get the courage to raise my gaze to his, I can tell he’s considering my words seriously.
“I think people often keep part of themselves back in some situations,” he says finally. “And we show different parts of ourselves to different people. I think that’s completely normal.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“What…uh…do you think is different between the way everyone sees you and what you’re really like?” Jake ducks his head as he asks the question, giving me a chance to notice the tips of his ears have turned red.
My heart speeds up.
