Page 81 of Attractive Forces
“Yeah. And he told Coach, and Coach did this whole speech to me about how people around here are still old-fashioned, pretty much warning me not to act on the gay.” I try to keep my voice casual as I say the words, but I’m sure Jake hears the quaver in my voice. Because fuck, thinking about Brewer’s and Coach’s reactions hurts. Two of the three people in this world who know who I really am, and they’ve told me to hide.
Jake’s nostrils flare, his jaw going tight. “That’s so shit. He can’t say that to you! Schools need to provide safe and inclusive places for students.”
“Coach isn’t a teacher, remember? I guess he can say whatever he wants,” I say.
There’s silence between us. Jake shuffles and my desk chair squeaks. He leans forward, interlacing his fingers.
“So, what do you want to do?” he finally asks.
I fiddle with the edge of my pillowcase. “I was thinking we shouldn’t hang out until the championship is over. It’s only three weeks. And after that, we’ll have to be more careful.”
I raise my gaze to his. He’s staring at me, his expression unreadable.
“What do you mean, more careful?” he asks.
“I don’t know, like maybe not talk at school? And spend less time together. Focus on quality, not quantity.” I try to smile, but it feels like my face will break under the strain. “And I probably should go on some dates with girls just to throw people off the scent. Maybe you should do that too.”
As I talk, Jake’s eyebrows draw in like they’re trying to join together. For a few heartbeats, he just stares at me. Then he swallows, looking down at the carpet.
“No,” he says.
I blink at him. “What do you mean, no?”
“I mean, I’m not prepared to do that. I’m not some toy you can pick up and put down whenever you feel like it.”
My breath leaves me. Because Jake’s words are angry, but there’s another emotion in his voice.
Hurt.
Which carves my heart out of my chest.
“Jake…” I get off the bed and take a few steps toward him, but he ducks out of my way. He continues to avoid looking at me.
“I get that for you, you can’t be out. I get that. And I never, ever want to force you to come out when you’re not ready.” He bites his lip for a second before he continues, “But for me, I can’t be in a relationship where everything has to be a secret. I just can’t.” His face crumbles as he says the last words, and it sets off a crumbling feeling inside me too. Like my heart is dismantling down to dust-sized fragments.
“And I can’t be continually doing what’s right for you,” he continues, his voice quiet. “I have to do what’s right for me too. So, I can’t keep being your dirty secret. I can’t keep lying to everyone. It’s just too hard.”
My throat thickens.
“I can’t be out,” I whisper hoarsely.
“I know.” Jake’s voice is soft.
A sudden heaviness settles over me like my whole body is coated in lead.
I claw my hands through my hair. “So, this is it?”
Jake’s deep-brown eyes meet mine. There’s anguish in there, but he’s also resolute. “Yeah, this is it.”
25
Jake
I can’t believe I did that.
I stumble home on numb legs. In fact, my whole body feels like I’ve been dipped in a giant vat of lidocaine.
But I sat there listening to Logan tell me we had to stay apart for weeks, then I had to watch him date girls and potentially go on dates myself, and a single thought took over my brain.
